But why didn’t he say anything?
My friends and I were dumbfounded. After a long period of ghosting, it suddenly struck us. Our best high-school friend, a member of our inner circle, our ‘brother from another mother’ – isn’t constantly too busy to hang out with us. He doesn’t want to anymore.
We realized we haven’t seen him in ages. We realized we don’t know what is going on in his life. We realized we haven’t had a real talk for a while.
We realized we have lost a friend.
It hurt like fuck. It was a major blow to our egos. How can anyone reject our friendship when we are so majestic? His act shook our self-image and threatened our very identities.
But that was only half of the problem. An even bigger source of pain was the shock. It came completely unexpected. And we didn’t understand what caused him to do so.
With hindsight, it shouldn’t have been THAT surprising. We weren’t exactly ideal friends. We also weren’t that compatible – the main reason we hanged out was history. We have known each other since high-school and held ourselves together ever since. None of us recognized that with years, priorities and values change. People change.
Friendships change.
Back in the day, we were unable/unwilling to figure that out. And our friend was unable/unwilling to talk to us. He simply disappeared and never returned. And left a gaping hole in our hearts and minds.
That is not to say he OWED us an explanation. But we would have appreciated one. We would have liked to hear it all from him.
We would have liked to get closure.
What is (cognitive) closure?
The term cognitive closure was coined by social psychologist Arie Kruglanski (who devoted his life to its research). In 1996, he defined it as “individuals’ desire for a firm answer to a question and an aversion toward ambiguity”. 1
We all feel the need for cognitive closure on a daily basis. Whether it is a terrible book you can’t give up 2 or an awful movie you watch until the end even though it lasts way too long 3, we all want to know how things end.
Naturally, closure is most often mentioned in the context of our relationships. Getting closure is often recommended as a way of getting over a break-up. Various dating sites advise contacting your ex and asking him for an explanation.
It makes sense – we all like to get definite answers. We all like to know where and why it went wrong.
Do we need closure?
However, just because we like something doesn’t automatically mean it is good for us. 4 There is a lot of debate revolving closure. People wonder if it really IS useful. Do we really NEED it?
The opponents of closure are numerous and loud. There is a number of articles out there that try to convince us of its futility.
For example, this article in Elite Daily states that „ A lot of times, breakups have no explanation and are just based on how someone feels at the moment.“. It also tells us to „stop stalking him on social media“. 5
Another article on Thoughtcatalog tells us we are not broken glass dolls. The third one on Bolde tells us life is to short. Finally, this one on TheMindsJournal tells us seeking closure is seeking external validations. And that all relationships that end are just like in Dawson’s Creek – toxic, full of drama and tears. Oh, and they make you miserable.
However, there are also more credible closure critics. First of all, Kruglanski – the „alpha and omega“ of research on closure – made a curious discovery in one of his studies. According to him, the need for closure varies from individual to individual: 6
It is also possible that there exist stable individual differences in the extent to which persons cherish closure. Those differences may derive from a variety of sources, including norms, and socialization practices that differ in the extent to which judgmental confidence, orderliness and clarity are culturally appreciated (Hofstede, 1980). Individuals growing up in cultures placing a high value on those attributes may develop a stronger need for closure than individuals where they are de-emphasized or regarded negatively.
Another fervent opponent of closure is Nancy Berns, author of the book Closure: The Rush To End Grief And What It Costs Us. In her book and two Psychology Articles, titled Why People Hate Closure and How To Get Beyond Closure she takes a firm stance against the need for closure and states closure is overrated.
She also gave a very interesting TedTalk on the topic, in which she goes a step further and ascertains that closure doesn’t even exist:
I know you are asking yourself: Hey Vjeko, if even social psychologists are against closure, why did you title your article Power of Closure? We knew you are scum, but does that mean you are also a scam?
Well…allow me to defend my click-baiting and my integrity 7 in the next part of the post.
The Power Of Closure
Despite all the arguments against it, I still believe closure is powerful.
Opponents of the closure are quick to point out that we are often unable to find out answers. That seeking them in the face of adversity can be harmful. But I think that assertion highly depends on how we approach closure. On its definition in the first place.
Berns herself admits there are several definitions of closure. In the afore-mentioned Ted Talk, she described closure as „End To Our Grief“. She assumes „closure“ leads to the absence of negative emotions. That it leads to a delusional false positivity. And as the reader might remember – being constantly positive is one of the worst advice anyone can ever give you.
I don’t think closure should have anything to do with the avoidance of grief. On the contrary, it is precisely the ability to grief. Many people are unable to express their sadness, anger and sorrow. The goal of the closure is to let those emotions go. To accept the grief.
It is no wonder closure is a vital part of the therapeutical process. It is one of the pillars of the Gestalt approach to psychotherapy. From Allen R. Barlow: Gestalt Antecedent Influence On Historical Accident:
. . . one of the basic laws of Gestalt formation — the tension arising out of the need for closure is called frustration, the closure is called satisfaction . . . With satisfaction, the imbalance is annihilated, it disappears. The incident is closed.
Just as balance and discovery are met on all levels of existence, so are frustration, satisfaction and closure.
(Perls, 1969b, pp.86-87)
I know most of the time other people don’t give us the answers we are looking for. And that it can cause us pain. But it is unreasonable to expect it from them in the first place. Seeking closure through confrontation with expectation doesn’t lead anywhere. Counterintuitively – the best path toward closure is having no expectations from the other side at all. According to this BlogCognifit article:
It can be extremely therapeutic to let the source of your need for closure how you feel. Do you miss them? Are you angry they left you so early? Or maybe you want to say sorry because you should have been there with them. The important thing with confrontation, whether they are dead or alive, is don’t expect a reaction.
That’s why, in the end, the closure has nothing to do with knowing out all the answers. And everything to do with how you approach the search for ambiguity. We can’t always resolve things with other people. But we can always resolve things with ourselves. And search for peace within.
As the author of a great article on Luvze put it:
Therapists argue that instead of trying to find closure, which may never be possible, it is best to find meaning, even if there is no final “end.” The take-home message is to be OK with not knowing “why” things ended. Being OK with not having all the answers can then lead to deeper personal growth because it bolsters our ability to tolerate anxiety associated with ambiguity or uncertainty in our lives. In other words, we can never know all the reasons that some of our relationships end. Accepting this (even when it is uncomfortable to do so) makes dealing with other uncertainties in life easier.
An Open Letter To My Ex-Crush
Now, why have I indulged in all this debate about closure? Because recently, I was approached by a female friend of mine 8 and asked whether I would be interested in another guest post.
Considering I don’t get guest post requests any day and that the previous guest post about depression is one of the better articles on this website, 9 I said maybe. When she told me what it’s about and sent me the draft, that maybe quickly became Hell Yes!
Back in the day, my friend had a huge crush on her friend.
They talked a lot.
They laughed a lot.
They hanged out a lot.
However, nothing ever happened between them. As time passed by, due to lack of communication and maturity, the friendship started eroding. Until one everything collapsed in a shitstorm of drama.
They stopped communicating. They haven’t seen each other for years. They had zero contact whatsoever.
It bugged her for a while. But she didn’t do anything about it. As people most often do. She subscribed to the „time heals all wounds“ quote. And tried to move on with her life.
Everything changed when she started going to therapy. She discovered that this wound is still open. And affecting her current relationships.
Her therapist advised her to seek closure. And since we all know writing is a healthy habit, she advised her to write a letter to her ex-crush. She didn’t even advise her to send it. Just to put her thoughts and emotions on paper.
There is a reason for it. According to another Psychology Today article, titled Why We Need Closure From Broken Relationships:
You may find peace in confronting your ex-partner’s hurtful actions by writing him or her a letter without expecting a response, which you may or may not choose to send. A specific type of writing, research shows, can be particularly effective in lessening post-dissolution distress: Examining the relationship through a redemptive lens, wherein one focuses on the positive outcomes that arise from a break-up or a negative event. Writing about the relationship in this way, over the course of 4-days, has been shown to reduce the emotional suffering that can come from a relationship ending.
So, my friend did it. She wrote a letter. As you will soon see, she wrote it without expectations. She wrote first and foremost – for herself. She expressed herself freely.
The result is beautiful. The whole letter is radiating with emotions and pain. You can feel how much that friendship meant to her. And how much she regrets losing it.
I didn’t venture to ask if she actually sent the letter. But it was a perfect example of closure. I hope it helped her.
And I do hope it might inspire the reader to do the same.
That it might also help you.
So without further ado, I give it to my friend:
Dear Ex-Crush,
I just sat at my computer, ready to write you a letter. And I immediately got stuck. I honestly don’t know how and where to begin.
With cliche greeting? How are you? How’s life? Sounds lame even before I put it on the paper.
With a silly joke? Do you still guard 10 our memories? Cringe even for my standards.
So, even though it might turn out melodramatic, maybe it is the best to start in medias res. To start on a serious note. Let me explain why I am writing this letter in the first place.
You might remember how we met during the concert last week. How I greeted you joyfully.
I have to admit your cold reaction hurt like hell.
Not that it wasn’t expected. After everything that has happened, after everything I have done, it is quite logical. As they say: You reap what you have sown.
But it hurt nevertheless. More precisely, it made me very sad. Sad, because it unexpectedly struck me how quickly relationships go awry. How easy it is to destroy a friendship. How quickly good friends become total strangers.
Of course, this was not the first time we met after college. But I would always find a way to suppress my sorrow. I would convince myself I am all grown up now. That it’s the course of life. Or I was too proud to admit the sorrow still exists.
Now we (FINALLY) come closer to the reason I am writing this letter. I simply wanted to express myself.
A part of me wanted to do so sooner. But I didn’t know how. I was afraid of simply inviting you to grab some coffee. Afraid you would think it is yet another manipulation, yet another try of winning you over, yet another try to violently change things.
It is honestly NOT my intention – the whole idea behind is letter is to tell you some things I never got to tell you.
First of all, I would like to tell you how much your friendship meant to me during college. Our relationship is one of those relationships that marked my days at the uni.
There aren’t many people with such an incredible intelligence you could talk with about literally anything.
There aren’t many people with such an incredible sense of humor, who could always make me laugh. Who are immune to my toilet humor.
There aren’t many people with such an incredible spirit, such an incredible curiosity, with whom it is never boring to conversate.
Never boring to hang out.
Never boring to live.
Once I told you that you are one of the most wonderful persons I have ever met. Back then I probably did so out of the wrong reasons – I had an idea it is something you want to hear. That similar compliments might make you change your mind.
Today, I can honestly say I mean it.
Unfortunately, sometimes you don’t know how to value something until you lose it. But, despite the final outcome, I will forever cherish the moments we shared. Some experiences will remain etched in my brain forever.
Furthermore, I would like to say I am sorry.
Sorry because I thought your “I consider you as a friend” meant “I consider you as a friend until I start considering you otherwise”. I didn’t know how to respect your boundaries. I felt entitled to your love because I was, like, “nice” toward you.
Sorry because I spent the whole period after your sentence trying to change your mind. I resorted to unclear sentences and manipulation. The best example is my invitation to a “date”. Instead of stating my desires clearly, I used some stupid bet and assumed you would figure out the rest. I am sorry for my dishonest, manipulative and untransparent behavior.
I am sorry I pretended everything is okay and then exploded with accusations. Only now can I see how confused and frustrated you must have felt – in one moment I am telling you there is nothing bothering me; in other I am passive-aggressive, angry and resentful.
I am sorry I couldn’t have controlled my emotions. Or rather, my actions resulting from these emotions. Fuck it, I was WAAAAAY TO MUUUCH in love. It inhibited my ability to think clearly. To judge clearly. To decide clearly.
The most obvious manifestation of my behavior is the decision to delete you from Facebook. I regret it deeply. Not because I think friendship on Facebook is worth anything. But because this act was the final nail in the coffin of our friendship.
Thanks to Captain Hindsight, I have realized only later how immature I was. It’s too bad time travel isn’t invented yet. I would return with my current knowledge. With my current state of mind.
And act more wisely.
Act with more consideration.
Act differently.
Alas, as Gibonni 11 once said: “This was my school!” I am sorry the price for “my school” was very high – our friendship.
As you have probably realized, since I have started quoting Gibonni, we are getting close to the end. I just want to say one last thing.
In this particular moment, I am not sure I will send this letter. For starters, I don’t know how, considering the brilliant decision regarding Facebook mentioned earlier.
Still, since you are holding it in your hands, you have probably realized I have found a way to send it.
I would like to make it clear I don’t expect a reply. I wouldn’t want you to feel obligated to answer it. In contrast to the past, this time I am really doing something without expecting anything in return.
For the very end, I just want you to know that, no matter what, I will always greet you joyfully.
I hope you are happy and content in your life. I wish you all the best!
- Kruglanski W. A., Webster M. D., Motivated Closing of the Mind: “Seizing” and “Freezing”
- A book like The Secret
- Titanic, I am looking at you
- If you don’t believe me, ask any heroin addict
- Because looking at their highlight reel on social media has everything to do with finding out genuine answers and seeking closure
- M. Webster, Donna & Kruglanski, Arie. (2011). Cognitive and Social Consequences of the Need for Cognitive Closure. European Review of Social Psychology – EUR REV SOC PSYCHOL. 8. 133-173. 10.1080/14792779643000100
- I know, I know…What integrity?
- Who preferred to stay anonymous
- Which is logical since it was not written by me
- His daytime job is nightguard. Get it? Daytime job? Nightguard?
- Croatian singer known for emotional songs
