5 Common Pieces Of Life Advice You Should Never Listen To

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1.     NEVER GIVE UP!

What it’s about?

You have all heard it.

You are doing something and it is not really going anywhere? Harden up, you wuss. All you got to do is believe in yourself. Just keep going. Never give up. Never surrender. Whether it is that famous Michael Jordan quote about missed shots, Sia’s song or a scene from Galaxy’s quest, the notion of not giving up is constantly being marketed to us.

There is a good reason for it – not giving up is a key to success. In the book Drive: Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us, author Daniel Pink wrote that persistence and „grit“ are the most reliable predictors of success:

The best predictor of success, the researchers found, was the prospective cadets’ ratings on a noncognitive, nonphysical trait known as grit—defined as “perseverance and passion for long-term goals.

Numerous examples of successful people show it is true. Michael Jordan. J.K.Rowling. Elon Musk. Oprah Winfrey. Stephen King. And many others.

Why you should never listen to it?

Like almost all generalized advice, it doesn’t tell you the whole story. It doesn’t tell you that being gritty and persevering is not the same as never giving up. It doesn’t tell you that there is a whole white difference between NEVER giving up and not giving up TOO EARLY.

The people mentioned above all have one thing in common – they eventually succeeded. But you never hear stories from the other side of the spectrum. What about all the people who didn’t make it? Who poured infinite amounts of time, money and energy into an endeavor that never really worked.

It is easy to get carried away by such a simple and „inspiring“ concept. Not giving up no matter what sounds nice. But getting carried away is potentially very dangerous. It makes us detached from reality. Believing in yourself and never giving up ultimately makes you completely delusional. ⁽¹⁾The same goes for other variations of this notion, such as „Follow your passion“ and „The sky is the limit“

It is not how life works. We can’t just ignore real-life circumstances. If you are trying to write a book or invent „the next big thing“ while your wife has two jobs and works during the weekend and your children are starving, you are not a visionary.

You are an idiot. ⁽²⁾If you don’t believe me, please read this article from the pen of celebrated author and Executive Editor of Cracked.com, David Wong

What you should do instead?

I  first encountered someone doubting the „Never Give Up“ phrase during the read of Eric Barker’s life-changing book, Barking Up The Wrong Tree. The author devoted an entire chapter, aptly titled „Do Quitters Never Win and Winners Never Quit?“, exploring this question.

Barker introduces the concept of „strategic quitting“. It basically means „deciding which things are worth pursuing and which are not and maximizing your time spent pursuing them“. Although it sounds self-evident, it requires flexibility and thinking. It requires a healthy dose of introspection and the ability to check your priorities – which change throughout the years.

What if you don’t know what is worth quitting and what not? The author advises trying a lot of things and taking it from there:

Quit doesn’t have to be the opposite of grit. This is where strategic quitting comes in. Once you’ve found something you’re passionate about, quitting secondary things can be an advantage

[…]

If you don’t know what to be gritty at yet, you need to try lots of things – knowing you’ll quit most of them – to find the answer.

[…]

Use trying and quitting as a deliberate strategy to find out what is worth NOT quitting. You’re not being a total flake but someone who strategically tests the waters.

Put simply. Try a lot of things. See what works for you. Don’t hesitate to quit those that don’t.

Because we all need to quit sometimes.

2.     ALWAYS STAY POSITIVE!

What it’s about?

Throughout the history of the self-help industry, one idea keeps getting conveyed from one generation to another.

The Law of attraction.

The Law of attraction is the belief that our thinking influences what happens in our life. If we think positively, positive things are going to happen to us. Vice versa, if we focus on the negative, we are going to get beaten badly by life.

The recipe for improving our lives is obvious – always staying positive. Ignoring all negativity. It allows us to leverage the Law of attraction to our advantage. By focusing on the positive thoughts, we ensure only positive events occur in our life.

Which ultimately makes us happier.

Why you should never listen to it?

Because it is non-scientific bullshit. I mean, the very definition of the Law of attraction on the Wikipedia sounds absurd:

The belief is based on the idea that people and their thoughts are both made from pure energy, and that through the process of like energy attracting like energy a person can improve their own health, wealth, and personal relationships.

Historically, few self-help authors have tried to explain why exactly the Law of attraction works. Those who few HAVE tried haven’t bothered to improve Wikipedia’s definition significantly. For example, in her celebrated book The Secret, Rhonda Byrne „explains“ that The Universe is made of energy. Your mind emanates thoughts at a certain frequency that they resonate with the „energy“ of the Universe. ⁽³⁾Jesus, how can anyone believe in this crap?

Although most proponents of the Law of attraction swear all they want is to improve your life, most of them make significant amounts of money from their „teaching“. In Croatia, self-help guru and motivational speaker Ana Bučević recently gained a lot of recognition. Her philosophy is largely based on the Law of attraction. She even quotes The Secret as a major influence. ⁽⁴⁾No I am not going to link to Ana’s website. Nor to put an affiliate link to The Secret.  Please, please, please, never buy this book in your life

She has several income streams. She sells her books. She holds speeches. But most absurdly – as a service, she offers „positivity seminars“ where the participants go on a sailing tour.

The price? Not a big deal. 16 000 kunas. ⁽⁵⁾Approximately 2500 euros

Even if these self-help gurus earned money by advocating something that has zero effect, it would be ethically debatable. But the reality is even bleaker – their advice is often harmful. For example, in one of her videos, Ana Bučević advised a depressed person to stop using benzodiazepines. As psychologists pointed out in this article, due to strong side-effects, you can’t just stop using these strong narcotics – it is fraught with danger. The standard procedure is to prescribe some weaker drugs first. ⁽⁶⁾I guess she forgot that „small detail“.

In the long run, the Law of attraction can have a significant NEGATIVE impact on your life. In his fantastic article titled The Staggering Bullshit Of The Secret Mark Manson decimates the book (and the whole self-help industry). Among other things, he explains why the Law of attraction doesn’t quite work. ⁽⁷⁾I highly suggest reading the whole article. It is probably one of my favorite Mark Manson articles of all time Here are the main points:

• The Law of attraction is based on the old psychological concept known as „confirmation bias“ – the tendency of the human mind to notice and pay more attention to objects and experiences that reinforce our preexisting beliefs.
• Power of positivity advises us to go into extreme and become delusionally positive so your confirmation bias can kick in and shape our viewpoint.
• In the short run, this shift of perspective might be helpful. Especially for someone who is in a deep dark spot.
• But the problem is that, in the long run, ignoring negative outcomes negatively influences our decision making in every sphere of our life. It makes us less critical and rational.
• For example, in our relationships, we may completely ignore all the red flags because we are focusing only on the positive sides of our partner. In business, we may decide on a risky venture without consideration and justification. Just because „the Universe told us to go for it“.
• Research shows that engaging in positive thinking actually leads to poorer outcomes. Instead of visualizing the result you have to… you know… actually do something.
• You can’t just suppress negative thoughts. Research shows that it only makes it more likely for these thoughts to occur later in life.
• The same is true of negative emotions. Your anger, jealousy, sadness and anxiety all have a purpose. You can’t decide to feel awesome whenever you are feeling sad. You are not Barney Stinson, for Christ’s sake.

Long story short, the power of positive thinking is a recipe for disaster.

And for making some charlatan very rich in the process.

What you should do instead?

Let me make myself clear – I am not saying you should indulge in the negativity. Going into the extreme is harmful, no matter if we are talking about the positive or the negative side of the spectrum. From the afore-mentioned book Barking Up The Wrong Tree:

„Seligman found that when you shift your explanatory style from pessimistic to optimistic it makes you feel better and you become grittier.“

However, there is a huge difference between „shifting your explanatory style“. And ALWAYS being positive. You can’t just ignore all the negativity. The world is often a shitty place. Bad things do happen to everyone. I think the right solution is to search for the balance.

By trying to devoid your life of them, you are devoiding yourself of the right to feel and think as a human being.

3.     BUDGETING! YOU SHOULD ALWAYS BE BUDGETING!

What it’s about?

Ahhh, budgeting! The holy grail of personal financing. It is one of the most common financial advice out there. If not THE most common.

Budgeting essentially means keeping track of your finances. Of how often you spend your money. How much money you spend. And what you spend your money on.

It revolves around writing down your expenses – even the smallest ones. The idea is that it will make you more financially responsible. More stable. It helps you become aware of how much money you spend on necessities and how much on „pleasure“. It helps you establish short-term and long-term goals. And fulfill them.

In short – budgeting is supposed to help you manage and save your money.

Why you should never listen to it?

Because I am afraid budgeting doesn’t really work.

I have tried it several times in my life. It would usually go like this. I’d create a spreadsheet in Excel. I’d happily write things down for a couple of days. Weeks, even! Then I would get tired. And irritated. And then gradually give it up.

And I know I am not the only one. The big problem is that it’s extremely time-consuming. In the world where we all lack time, who wants to spend between 30 minutes and an hour today entering some dumb numbers in a Microsoft Office tool? ⁽⁸⁾What am I, an accountant? Heh, heh… heh?

It also makes you obsessed with money. You start freaking out whether you spend 1,01 or 1,03 dollars on a can of yogurt. It also makes you rigid. If you reached your daily budget and your friend invites you to grab a beer, do you really want to say no just because you have already spent too much?

In general, budgeting makes you think about money more often. And I don’t want to think about money the whole god damn time. I want to think about money as little as possible.

Ideally, I’d want to NOT think about money at all.

What should you do instead?

Now, I am not the first ⁽⁹⁾Nor the last opponent of budgeting. There are tons of „Say No To Budgeting And Do This Instead…“ articles out there. But for me, nothing comes close to Ramit Sethi’s advice from his bestselling book I Will Teach You To Be Rich. In the fourth chapter, he excessively criticizes budgeting and introduces the concept of Conscious Spending:

Create a budget!“ is the sort of worthless advice that personal-finance pundits feel good prescribing, yet when real people read about making a budget, their eyes glaze over faster than John Goodman’s lips at Krispy Kreme. Who wants to track their spending?

[…]

Forget budgeting. Instead, let’s create a Conscious Spending Plan. What if you could make sure you were saving and investing enough money each month, and then use the rest of your money guilt-free for whatever you want?

[…]

I want you to consciously decide what you’re going to spend on. No more „I guess I spent that much“ when you see your credit card statements. No. Conscious spending means you decide exactly where you’re going to spend your money – for going out, for saving, for investing, for rent – and you free yourself from feeling guilty about your spending

Conscious spending is just like strategic quitting – it revolves around prioritizing. It basically means spending on things you love in such a way that the costs align with your income. It involves a lot of thinking with your own head. YOU get to decide what is important to you.

It also involves not giving a fuck about what other people think. In the course of the chapter, Sethi quotes several studies that show how your environment affects how you spend our money. Conscious spending allows you to minimize that influence. If someone tells you to buy something you don’t really want to buy, conscious spending tells you it is okay not to buy it:

My friend „John“ spends more than $21,000 a year going out. „OMG, THAT’S SO MUCH #%#%#% MONEY!“, you might say.

[…]

John makes a healthy six-figure salary, so he’s been able to make a Conscious Spending Plan without much difficulty. But even he has to decide what he doesn’t want to spend on. For example, when his coworkers took a weekend trip to Europe from the United States, he politely passed.

[…]

The point here is that whether or not I agree with his choices, he’s thought about it. He sat down, considered what he wanted to spend on, and is executing that plan. He’s doing more than 99 percent of the young people I’ve talked to. If he had decided he wanted to spend $21,000/year on furry donkey costumes and Faberge eggs, that would have been great, too. At least he has a plan. ⁽¹⁰⁾Please note here: „Spending on what you want“ is not the same as „Ignoring other people who depend on you“. Conscious spending is not the same as taking the #YOLO attitude and giving in to your heart’s desires. That is just spending – the key difference lies in the word ‘Conscious’

As we see, conscious spending does involve a great deal of planning. It is a constant search for the balance between your salary, your fixed expenses and your costs. But at least the planning happens once in a while. In contrast to budgeting.

Where it happens once every minute.

4.     PLAY HARD TO GET!

What it’s about?

When we are in kindergarten, we never let our crush we like her. We argue with her, fight with her, pull her by the hair. We insult her and call her names. We display our affection by pretending we don’t care.

By playing hard to get.

As we go through life, the pattern doesn’t fade. We are constantly taught we should be playing hard to get. Girls are told they should „test“ the guy by telling him “no” when they really want to say „yes“. Men are thought they should be cool and uninterested and „manly“ and „wait for three days before sending the second message“.

Playing hard to get is common dating advice in Western cultures. Numerous articles, such as this one in the „Bible for females“ – Cosmopolitan, explains why playing hard to get works. Even a more serious website like Psychology Today mentions scientific studies that suggest it indeed works.

The idea is simple. It is well-known we humans value something that is rare. We value scarcity. When something is not available to us, we want it more. And we get attracted to it.

Irrespective of whether that is the new game from the GTA series. Or another human being.

Why you should never listen to it?

I know I have just said playing hard to get works. But I still think it is terrible advice you should never listen to.

The level of communication in our culture is low as it is. We all have trouble expressing our desires openly and honestly.  ⁽¹¹⁾I know this might come as a huge shock, but it includes the author of these lines This is especially true in the world of dating, where being open and vulnerable includes a certain risk. Imagine if you get rejected. What a shame. Oh, horror!

As a consequence, we all resort to „hints“ and other indirect forms of communication. When I asked my female friend out, I didn’t simply say: „Hey, I like you. Wanna go for a cup of coffee?“ I preferred to bet with her, with the stake being her going on a date with me. Except that she didn’t realize it was one.

Which underlies the main problem of playing hard to get. When we operate in such a fashion, we hide our true intentions from the other side. They constantly have to guess our thoughts. Which results in confusion and misunderstanding. A perfect example of this are various forms of the question: „I told him, NO, but I wanted him to push harder. Why he didn’t?“ that keep appearing on the website Quora.

Another thing I don’t like with the whole „hard to get“ approach is pretending. Do you really have to PRETEND you are busy/unavailable? If you are intent on playing the scarcity card, isn’t it better to do so because you actually have interesting things going on in your life? To avoid deliberately manipulating people?

Instead of pretending you are hard to get, isn’t it better to…you know… actually BEING so?

What you should do instead?

Pretending you like her less than you do so that she’ll like you more than she says she does so you can then like her more than you say you do so she feels comfortable liking you back more than she says she does — I’m exhausted just writing about it.

~ Mark Manson, The Dismal State of Flirting in English Speaking Cultures

Stop playing hard to get. Cut the tiring crap. State your desires openly. Practice direct communication. Remember it is a skill that needs training. But you will never master it if you don’t even try.

If you don’t where to begin, Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner and More Than Two: A Practical Guide To Ethical Polyamory by Franklin Veaux are fantastic books about honest and direct communication, full of real-life examples and useful tips. You might also follow Franklin on Quora and read his answers. ⁽¹²⁾Answers such as this one. I have learned more about relationships and open communication from him than from all other people I met in my life combined

Also, if you have a copy of Cosmopolitan nearby – feel free to burn it.

5.     LOVE CONQUERS ALL!

What it’s about?

From Holywood movies to Romeo and Juliet, from Virgil quotes to Beatles songs, we are constantly taught that there is an ultimate solution to all our problems.

Love!

No matter how rough it gets, no matter how many problems you have with your partner, love helps you get through them. It helps you to survive. It makes you feel alive.

Because love conquers all!

Why you should never listen to it?

Spoiler alert: it doesn’t.

I bet you all know that one young couple that „fell in love“ in their early twenties. Who consumed their youthful love despite all the fighting and drama involved. Who went on to get married despite all the problems they faced through the years. Who started living together and even got kids.

Who are miserable and unhappy after 20 years of marriage.

There is no denying love is a key ingredient of every happy relationship. But as much it is necessary, it is not SUFFICIENT in itself. Other things, like compatibility, ability to communicate, ability to fight well, vulnerability, honesty.

You shouldn’t just ignore all the differences and problems and pursue someone just because you „fell for him“. Love is an emotional process. We can fall for someone we should have never fallen for in the first place. Even if you are a church-burning atheist, you can fall for a staunch Catholic. But no amount of love can make SUCH a relationship work.

It was doomed before it even begun.

What you should do instead?

In contrast to the popular notion that „opposites attract“, it is not quite the case. In most successful relationships, the partners have high compatibility. Especially regarding the „big things“ such as:

• Number of kids they want to have
• Where they want to live
• How they save, earn and spend their money
• Attitude toward sex and sexuality
• Type of relationship they want to be in (open, FBW, monogamy, polyamory…)
• Religious views
• Political orientation ⁽¹³⁾Note: It is, of course, possible to make a relationship work without high degree compatibility in important matters. But it is much more difficult

Think with your own head. Realize that the ideal of love marketed to us in the literature and culture has nothing to do with reality. Understand that relationships, apart from emotions, also require the use of the logical part of your brain.

Get to know thyself. Determine what traits and values are important to you in your partner. Know your non-negotiables. And stick to them when an opportunity for relationship appears.

No matter how much love is involved. Because as much as love is intoxicating. Exhilarating. Beautiful. Addictive. Priceless.

It is not enough. ⁽¹⁴⁾Yes, this part was inspired by the article Love Is Not Enough by my favorite, one and only  – Mark Manson

It doesn’t conquer all. ⁽¹⁵⁾Apart from Dushka Zapata, afore-mentioned Quora celebrity Franklin Veaux is also a fervent opponent of this myth