„Man! That was some good talk!“, he said while sipping the last drops of the beer from the bottle of his table in his mouth. „Glad we decided to hang out today!“
„What do you mean good talk? We just talked about regular, everyday stuff. It’s not like we touched upon the meaning of life or anything deeper!”, I replied, with a healthy dose of pompousness and lack of any social intelligence.
„You fucking pretentious moron!“, he retorted.
„Did it ever cross your mind that is exactly what made it so great?“
Ever since I was a young kid, I was perfectly aware of how completely unassuming and unremarkable I am.
Even though I don’t consider myself unattractive, I am also not particularly attractive – definitely not the kind of person whose face and body you remember for days and/or weeks after our initial meeting.
I was also never very socially adept. Nor a particularly charismatic person. I was never one of those guys standing in the middle of the room, telling story after story, joke after joke, entertaining the entire audience.
At parties, I was one of those guys standing awkwardly next to the near wall, licking the top of their over-expensive beer-bottle, occasionally exchanging a set of formalities with the nearest person and spending the majority of the evening staring at the nearest floor. 1
If you ever encountered me on the street, you’d probably acknowledge my existence and then forget all about it the moment our paths diverged…
Thus, since my youngest days, I was searching for ways of breaking away from my default state of anonymity.
Since those friendships, I did manage to establish mainly revolved around common activities (playing football, training table tennis, raiding 10- or 25- man dungeons in World of Warcraft), since I always prided myself with the extent of my intellect and since I devoured a lot of crappy PUA and self-help books advising me to work on myself, I devised an obvious solution.
If my default state was being ordinary and uninteresting, the only way of changing that was becoming as special and interesting as humanly possible. I realized I had to add maximum value to every social interaction I ever have. I had to have something in common not just with a handful of friendly geeks, but everyone that ever lived.
Since there was nothing special about the regular old Vjeko, it was mandatory to try to be „special“ in more than one way.
Therefore, from a certain point in my life (somewhere between 17-20 years of age), I started doing all in my power to become as special as humanly possible. I started saying yes to almost any opportunity. I immersed myself in learning new skills and trying out new hobbies. I intentionally went outside of my comfort zone and exposed myself to new situations. I got obsessed with achievements and productivity. Citius, Altius, Fortius became my new motto. In the immortal words of the Pokemon theme song, I had to be „The very best!“.
There is no denying all these efforts weren’t in vain. Over the course of the last decade, I managed to differentiate myself from others to the point of being singular.
It is not my overinflated ego or illusion of own importance speaking – it is just a cold hard fact. I mean – how many Chess Candidate Masters who play the piano and also have the experience of playing the guitar in a hardcore band, who compete in both table tennis and chess national leagues, who have some basic experience in salsa dancing, who run and maintain chess and pop-psychology blogs and who quit their electrical engineering job to work for a chess start-up do you know?
(Oh, I forgot to mention I am also the type of person who would google his name, screenshot a snippet of that google search and include it in the article to prove a point and gloat his own greatness)
I had the premonition that being such a remarkable, unique individual would solve all my social problems. That I would immediately enlighten every room I would walk into. That people would hoard just to hear me share one tiny bit of my incredible wisdom and knowledge.
Needless to say, nothing of the sort happened. In fact, not only didn’t my „uniqueness“ solve many of my existing problems.
It introduced a completely new set of ones…
Even though the reasons behind drug use are numerous and psychology behind them nuanced and complicated, 2 one of the common explanations behind drug addiction is „numbing your pain by running away from your current situation“. For example, an article titled The Science of Drug Use: Discussion Points, National Institute on Drug Abuse on the official website of the National Institute of Drug Abuse states that:
„Drug use can start as a way to escape […]“.
The constant pursuit of „specialty“ is very similar to drug addiction – it can (and often is) used as a mean to escape/divert yourself from your problems rather as an end of dealing with them. This issue is very typical of all „work hard and never keep improving“ mottos prevalent in the self-help industry and social media world.
You simply embark on a path of pursuing that goal. Without every thinking whether that goal is well-defined.
The big danger lies in the fact that this pursuit is a never-ending endeavour. There is always something to be improved, another skill to be learned, an extra flavour of „being special“ you can attain.
It is a very dangerous concept. Because it is hard to define a point where you start improving for the sake of improving.
A point where you are enough by simply… being you.
This is a trap I’ve gotten myself into over the years. I effectively started using all my hobbies and activities to numb my pain. To distract myself from the fact that, behind all the singularity and uniqueness, my underlying belief that I am not enough – that I have to be remarkable just to be worth noticing – was still very much present.
Even though I was believing I was solving my problems, I was – just like an addict – effectively running from them.
And the worst thing about it all? It didn’t even have the desired impact on the people around me.
Have you ever stumbled upon one of those people who just can’t stop talking about their life, their achievements, their accomplishments? 3
Have you noticed that their stories are initially very captivating and interesting to hear? That outstanding individuals do spark up your interest and turn you into an attentive listener…
… for a while. Have you also noticed how quickly those endless stories get boring and tiring?
How after several interactions…nay…several hours with them your interest quickly vanishes – especially if that person does it disproportionately and shares snippets from their entire life, even though you have just met them?
How you just start wishing that they also asked you a question.
Or at least started talking about something else.
Something less extraordinary.
Something less impressive.
Something mundane.
And ordinary?
This is a thing I noticed during the years of shoving my specialty into everybody’s face.
Most people either don’t care. Or they stop caring relatively quickly.
Being special/interesting/unique is a welcome „extra“ to add flavour to human interaction. But not the basis for any sort of meaningful relationship.
When people are interacting with each other, they don’t necessarily want to feel as if they are constantly reviewing an encyclopedia. That they are listening to their favourite podcast. That they are talking with god damn Socrates, Platon or Aristotle, trying to decipher the deepest secrets of life and universe.
People want something much simpler. A keen ear that will listen to them. Someone they can talk to about every day, „mundane“ things that keep bothering them. Someone who will possibly interact to them without excessive advice-giving, „smart-assing“ or judgment.
Someone they can rely on. Who will show signs of care and respect. Who will laugh with them, cry with them, outrage with them.
Who will answer the call, stop what they are doing.
Devote time to them. Devote attention to them and refrain from scrolling their Facebook feed while they are sitting at a coffee in a nearby cafe.
Who will be there for them, lift them up, help them in time of need.
Irrespective if that person is a top-class physicist and owner of three super-successful business. Or just your average Joe living an „ordinary“, „average Joe“ life.
This is what was so great about the conversation with my friend. Since we have known each other for a long time, I didn’t try to impress him. I didn’t showcase my specialty. I was simply being me, in the most human, mundane form you can possibly imagine.
I was just an ordinary friend enjoying the company of another ordinary friend talking about ordinary things in life.
And that is what made the conversation so extraordinary….
Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not claiming you shouldn’t make an effort to be interesting at all.
By all means – please do. The only thing that is worse than a person that is too interesting or special is the person that is not interesting or special at all.
But please be mindful of how you „use“ that specialty. If I may paraphrase overly-used Spiderman quote:
„With great specialty comes great responsibility!“
Don’t shove your specialty down everybody’s throat. Show it gently and slowly, one bit a time. Make sure the other person in the interaction is prepared and willing to take more. Find the golden mean – as with everything in life, moderation is the key.
Never forget that being interesting is a nice addition to a whole complete package. Not the substitute for the package itself.
You don’t need to be someone’s favourite podcast. You don’t need to be someone’s favourite encyclopedia. You don’t need to be the most charismatic and charming date. You don’t need to be the most exhilarating and memorable experience of anybody’s life.
You just need to be there for them. With a clear mind and a clear heart. Day in. Day out. Consistency is the key. Rinse and repeat.
Cover the basics. Be a nice human being. Learn how to listen. How to acknowledge other people. How to treat them with compassion and empathy.
Because being special is just an addition. An extra feature. A cherry on the top.
But being special is not enough.
- Or girls, in those rare cases where there were any at the parties we organized.
- And outside the scope of this article. And expertise of the author.
- In some cultures known as narcissists?
