Cover photo design by Helena Nemec. You can follow her on Instagram or Behance and see her complete portfolio.

This is the second of the two articles in which I talk about things I learned from James Altucher.

You can read the first part, 16 Things I Learned From James Altucher, here. 

1. college is overrated

Not every person in the world should avoid college. But the best colleges cost a lot of money and it’s a burden for young people. And most things that you can learn in the college you can learn for free outside of the college thanks to the Internet.

A large portion of Altucher’s writing is dedicated to ranting about college education. He even wrote a whole book – 40 Alternatives To College – on this topic. Long story short, the arguments are as follows:

• College tuitions are too high
• The college creates an enormous amount of debt
• Very little you learn at the college matter in the real world
• Learning at college is not the most effective way of learning
• Kids waste 5 years being guided instead of trying things and creating
• Yes, this applies even to law and medicine
• Etc.

Although I am not as radical as him, I agree that college education is overrated. That many people hold on to the belief that „college is neccessary“. That this belief should be examined. That the role and the purpose of the college education should be discussed. That we should take a look at both sides of the story, at the very least.

Because I agree that college education is not for everyone.

Hell, in the 21st century, it maybe isn’t for anyone. ⁽¹⁾More on this topic in one of the subsequent articles #cliffhanger

Go to college they said. It will be fun they said. You will learn a lot!

2. Pick up the phone. And call a friend

It’s good to talk to a friend. I don’t have a lot of friends. I have about three people on my call list. Maybe four if I stretch it. Maybe five. I don’t know. Maybe fifty. I like a lot of people, but I’m too shy to call them. Maybe I should. And just chat for a few minutes. Like we all used to do when we were kids. “Hey, how are you doing? What’s up?” This feels good. It’s like a vocal hug with someone we like. Vocally hug people today.

You still haven’t done it, even though I told you to do it in the previous article? At least do it know when James tells you to do it.

What are you waiting for?

3. Mediocrity, as a result, is okay

That said, all people should be so lucky. We can’t all be grand visionaries. We can’t all be Picassos. We want to grow our business, make our art, sell it, make some money, raise a family, and try to be happy. My feeling, based on my own experience, is that aiming for grandiosity is the fastest route to failure.

I think it’s OK for “ordinary” people to be ordinary also. Ordinary is beautiful.

In the era of individualism, the idea of being special is constantly sold to us. What, you haven’t traveled 5346 countries, found 50 companies and married 3 virgins by the age of 25? What are you doing in your life?

The point is that we can’t all be extraordinary. By the very definition.

Because if we were, who would then be ordinary?⁽²⁾This is not the first time I’ve heard the idea that there is nothing wrong if we aren’t extraordinary. It is a central theme of another brilliant article by Mark Manson: In Defense Of Being Average. „Mediocrity as a goal is okay“ is the first part of the key quote of the article. As for the second part – read on.

4. Mediocrity, as a goal, sucks

But I think every day it’s worth trying to be a little better (even just 1%, an amount so small it can’t be measured) in physical health, emotional health, creativity, and gratitude. Maybe that is a path to extraordinary as that 1% compounds. But I don’t want the pressure of “future extraordinary.” I just want to be a little better today.

Now, everything above doesn’t mean we shouldn’t even TRY to be extraordinary. It just means we shouldn’t be dependant on the final result. There’s a big difference between a goal and a result.

Another point is that it is silly to be engrossed in grandiose schemes. That it is better to focus on today than on tomorrow. That it is important to start small. To seek to improve for just 1 %. And to let it compound.

Therefore, in my best Yoda impersonation, allow me to say: “Try, or try not. There is no do.”

5. Don’t watch the news

I do standup comedy 3–5 times a week and I help run a very profitable business that will do over 50 million in revenues this year. Plus I’m an investor in over a dozen companies that I keep regular track of and involved in many charities.

I’m only productive because I don’t spend 65 minutes a day reading the news and another 44 minutes a day (which is the average) arguing with people on social media.

I’m blissfully uninformed. And I’m living the dream.

The quote above was taken from Altucher’s Quora answer to the question: „What “life hack” is very obvious but nobody seems to know about it?“ It is one of those answers that remains etched in your brain forever. I reread it at least once a week.

The whole argument makes perfect sense. Most of the things we read in the news do nothing to improve our knowledge. Well-being. And happiness. Who cares who is dating the Kardashians? Do I really need to find out how many people died in the hurricane in the Philippines? Whether Philipp Kohlschreiber beat Marin Čilić in tennis?

Does this information have a permanent effect on my life? Will I remember any of it in 10 years?

The whole idea of not watching the news might seem radical. It’s because it is. I haven’t started implementing it completely.

But I try to be very selective about what kind of news I read. I try to minimize the amount of time I spend on bullshit. And irrelevant stories.

I prefer to do something else with my time.

For instance, to create.

Yeah… Who the fuck gives a shit?

6. Be a creator. Not a consumer

“When I was a kid, I constantly had all of these stories in my head,” she said, “but then I got trapped on this ‘normal’ path—the marriage, the suburbs, the kids, and I let the stories stop.

Nothing wrong with suburbs and kids. But every day, I feel she is telling me, you have to unlock your creativity. If you don’t let it flow, it will be trapped inside, it will mutate, it will kill you. Every day, create.

Although studies show people know watching the TV won’t make them happy, the first thing most of them do when they come home is – watch TV.

Or play computer games. Or go out. And drink a beer.

I find it hard to understand. There is so much creativity in each and every one of us. You can draw. You can compose. You can write. You can make videos. Take photos. Dance. Sing. Woodwork. Sew. Possibilities are endless.

I find it hard to understand. There is so much creativity in each and every one of us. You can draw. You can compose. You can write. You can make videos. Take photos. Dance. Sing. Woodwork. Sew. Invent a game. The possibilities are endless.

You might remember that in his book Barking Up The Wrong Tree, Eric Barker wrote that Legacy constitutes 25 % of well-being. As a creator, you do exactly that. Create your legacy.

That is not to say you should never watch TV, play computer games or go out to drink a beer.

But why you chose to NEVER let that creativity out is beyond me.

7. You have a lot to tell the world

People say, “Everything has already been written.” Everything has already been said. But that’s a lie. I think every outline has already been written. But each human has a unique fingerprint. Just putting that fingerprint on an outline makes it yours, different, unique. And through practice and vulnerability, you make that fingerprint something others want to see.

Please, don’t give me that bullshit that you are not like that. That you are not creative. That you don’t have anything to tell the world.

Yes, you do. You might not be as special as you think. But you ARE unique. You have your talents. Your values. Your story. Why do you think no one is interested in hearing it?

Remember, you can learn something from everyone.

Even from you!

8. Nobody remembers your bad stuff

Mac Lethal is a rapper who has gotten over 100 million views on his YouTube videos. Even Ellen had him on her show to demonstrate his skills. I asked him, “Do you get nervous if one of your videos gets less views than others?” He gave me valuable advice: “Nobody remembers your bad stuff. They only remember your good stuff.” I live by that.

Think about a famous person. George Clooney, for instance. You are probably familiar with great movies he starred in. Ocean’s Eleven. Confessions of a Dangerous Mind. Argo. Syriana. Burn After Reading. Gravity ⁽³⁾Although whether that last one is „good“ is highly debatable

Unless you are a filmophile, you probably don’t remember his bad movies, though. And god, there were so many. Batman and Robin. Grizzly II: The Concert. Unbecoming Age.

The point is that nobody remembers everything you create. And it is easier to forget the forgettable. The bad stuff.

Many people are afraid to express themselves because „what if people will think it is not good enough?“ But the truth is, people don’t care that much about you and your content. They don’t pay attention to what you do. Unless it is so great it blows their mind.

Even if people remembered your bad stuff, would it really be so terrible? In 50 years, they will be dead.

And so will be you.

9. Everyone is going to like what you are doing ONLY if you are not doing anything at all.

Nobody escapes the HATERS. Why? Because they hate themselves.

If you are creating something, there will be people who will not like it. Fact. Some of them will not bother to tell you. Others will say it politely. But some of them won’t hesitate to tell you how much they hate it.

There is nothing to do about it than to accept their existence. And then to ignore them. Because it doesn’t matter whether other people like your content.

It is only important whether you like it. ⁽⁴⁾As they say – the only way you can never upset anyone is if you don’t do anything. Which makes me wonder – why on Earth do people in my company all love me? And no, I am not writing this article at my job. I promise!

10. You can’t do everything on your own

I find that many entrepreneurs are trying to do everything when it would be cheaper and more time-efficient to delegate, even if there are upfront monetary costs associated with that. In my first business, it was like a lightbulb went off in my head the first time I delegated a programming job to someone. Why did I decide finally to delegate at that particular point? I had a hot date. Which was infinitely better than me sweating all night on some stupid programming bug (thank you, Chet, for solving that issue).

When I started my chess blog, I did everything by myself.

I wrote posts. I maintained the website. I ran social media. Everything.

But after a while, I realized that A) I don’t have enough time to do everything, B) I don’t know how to do everything and C) I don’t want to do everything. That’s when I publicly asked for a co-contributor. And privately asked a friend to help me with the technical aspect. Because I realized how much I suck.

As a result – the blog looks better. It operates more smoothly. I have more time. And I am satisfied.

The point is that most of us think we have to do everything on our own. The society convinced us that we should never admit we don’t know how to do something. Or don’t want to do it. That asking for help is a sign of weakness.

But in order to climb, you need other people’s hands. You need to lean on their shoulders. You need to swallow your ego. And seek help. You’d be surprised how many people are willing to give it.

You just need to ask.

11. Dishonesty wins in the short run. Honesty wins in the long run

I get that question a lot in my Twitter Q&A sessions: Why is it that you have to be dishonest to succeed in this world? And people don’t believe me when I say that’s not true. In fact, the exact opposite is true. Only honesty will succeed.

It compounds exponentially. No matter what happens in your bank account, in your career, in your promotions, in your startups. Honesty compounds exponentially, not over days or weeks, but years and decades. More people trust your word and spread the news that you are a person to be sought out, sought after, given opportunity, given help, or given money. This is what will build your empire.

In his book Barking Up The Wrong Tree, Eric Barker devotes a whole chapter to the question: „Do Nice Guys Really Finish Last?“ He concludes that being a dick does pay off in the short run. But that it ultimately makes everyone worse. And that, under certain conditions, Nice Guys do indeed finish first in the long run.

Croatia and Moldova are good examples of what happens when dishonesty takes over. But the dishonesty in society starts with the dishonesty on an individual level. You might remember the Shepherd Boy and The Wolf story. Yes, he did get to laugh first two times.

But in the end, his lies cost him a lamb.

12. Talk openly about your imperfections and failures

The shame of imperfectionism takes at least 20 percent of my intelligence away. Because people sense and appreciate honesty, and honesty about imperfections, believe it or not, creates enormous opportunities.

While we are at honesty. Ever since starting Popsychle, many people asked me: Gee, Vjeko, why do you share your dirty laundry so openly. Aren’t you afraid someone might use it against you? What is the point of it all?

Today, we are all taught we should hide our faults and imperfections. I admit that sharing certain things on this blog sometimes makes me uneasy. I always think twice if I am comfortable before pressing the „Publish“ button.

But I think it is the right thing to do. In his books, Altucher constantly points out how he blew up a fortune. And failed. And screwed up. Mark Manson shares a lot from his past on his blog as well. As do several other bloggers. And great authors. From the present and the past.

The point is that having imperfections and faults is a part of being human. The fact these authors are authentic and honest gives credibility to their writing. It helped me relate to it. And it certainly gives them more topics to write about.

Marina Orsag taught me the first rule of stand-up is to write jokes about ourselves. I think the first rule of good writing is the same.

I do filter what I write about. But I can’t think of a single reason to hide things or lie. We all fuck up. It is hard to deal with yourself from time to time. But why is that a bad thing? If it weren’t like that, we would never learn anything.

And no one would ever grow.

13. Patience is a virtue

Today everyone wants to “go viral.” They want the Internet to make them an overnight success. But sometimes you just need to work insanely hard […]

Stop getting carried away. There’s no such thing as overnight success. Or fame. Or „get-rich-quick“ schemes. Grit and persistence are your best bet.

Shut up and be patient.

14. Sometimes, you simply need to stop and breathe

In modern society we all feel like we have to be Darth Maul. Pacing, finding a “purpose,” being anxious, stressed, waiting for doors to open. But it is great to just rest and be happy and not move when you don’t have to. Those doors will open eventually.

The pace of life these days is insane. In the last two days, I worked for 16 hours. I had a psychotherapy session. I had a table tennis practice. I watched a TV show at one friend’s place. I drank beer with another. I rushed from one place to another. I barely had time to eat at home. Let alone to talk to people who live there.

Jesus. Just writing about it makes me exhausted!

My therapist and I lead constant battles over this issue. She keeps hinting I should take a break. Remove things from my schedule. Take it more slowly. Spend some time alone.

I find it very hard to listen to her. This internal resistance, all those „I musts“ and „I have tos“ keep blocking me. The fear of missing out. The need for instant gratification.

Even though I would never admit it to her ⁽⁵⁾Shhh. Please don’t tell her, I know she is right. Spending so much time on the accumulation of experiences barely gives me time to…you know… experience them. I am aware constant running is unhealthy. Because it is not entirely clear if I am actually running toward something.

Or running away from myself.

15. Go to sleep

Sleep 8-9 hours a day and never gossip. Sleep is the No. 1 key to successful health. It’s not the only key. It’s just No. 1. Some people write to me and say, “I only need four hours of sleep” or “in my country sleeping means laziness.” Well, those people will fail and die young.

I assume you are reading this on your mobile phone.

There is a high probability you are doing it in your bed. During late night hours. Even though you know you should go to sleep. Even though science knows sleep deprivation has a devastating effect your cognitive functions. On your brain. ⁽⁶⁾For instance, see: Alhola P, Polo-Kantola P. Sleep deprivation: Impact on cognitive performance. Neuropsychiatr Dis Treat. 2007;3(5):553-67 or How Sleep Deprivation Makes It Harder To Deal With Distractions

Don’t do this to yourself. Put your phone down. Turn off the light. And go to sleep.

Good night!

References and further reading

James Altucher: Choose Yourself

James Altucher: Reinvent Yourself

James Altucher: 40 Alternatives To College

James Altucher Confidential

James Altucher Quora profile

Cover photo design by Helena Nemec. You can follow her on Instagram or Behance and see her complete portfolio.

This is the first of the two articles in which I talk about things I learned from James Altucher. I initially envisioned it as a single article, but when it got too long I decided to split it into two parts.

You can read the second part, Another 15 Things I Learned From James Altucher, here. 

James Altucher is a fascinating person. A Forbes article called him „The Most Interesting Man In The World“.

It is hard to describe him in a single sentence. He is an entrepreneur. An angel investor. A podcaster. A chess master. Former hedge fund manager. Stand up comedian to be.

But above all – a writer. Insanely productive one. He has written 20 books. And god-knows-how-many articles for his blog. And 924 LONG answers on Quora.

He has a very distinctive style. He writes likes this. Short. And to the point. And he hits you with unpleasant truths. On every other step.

He also makes you think. With provocative and controversial titles. Like „I Want To Die“. Or „How To Quit Your Job The Right Way“. Or „40 Alternatives To College“.

For the last couple of months, I have been devouring his content. It started with his Quora answers. It continued on his website. It ended with three of his books. The afore-mentioned 40 Alternatives To College. His Wall Street Journal bestseller Choose Yourself. And another aptly titled Reinvent Yourself.

I purchased several more. I Was Blind But Now I See is the next on my reading list.

His writing influenced my thinking. I consider him my teacher. Even though I have never met him. But he wrote that you don’t need to meet your mentor. That you can turn anyone into a virtual one. By studying everything he has ever written. Or said. Or done.

Hey! That’s already one thing I learned from him. Here’s a list of another 15. In no particular order:

1. Learn how to say NO

Every time you say yes to something you don’t want to do, this will happen: you will resent people, you will do a bad job, you will have less energy for the things you were doing a good job on, you will make less money, and yet another small percentage of your life will be used up, burned up, a smoke signal to the future saying, “I did it again.”

When I was young, my friends would ask me if I want to go out with them.

I often didn’t feel like it. ⁽¹⁾Read: I preferred to stay home and play World of Warcraft But it was hard to say NO. So I would say yes instead. Or invent some shitty white lie „to protect their feelings“.

We are all programmed to say yes. But way too often, we say it even when we don’t feel like it.

When our friends ask us to change the music while driving.

When our mother insists we must join the family lunch on Sunday.

When our boss asks us to meet an impossible deadline.

Learning how to say NO was one of the biggest victories I achieved during psychotherapy. It allowed me to develop healthy boundaries. To cut draining activities. ⁽²⁾Or to reduce them to the minimum

And to preserve time and energy to say yes to things in my life that really matter.

2. Stay away from people who make you feel like crap

The key is: acknowledge that the person is driving you crazy. You can’t suppress that. But with observation, the pain will begin to wither. And the less you engage with the person, the less overall effect that person will have on you. Even if that person is close to you (and they often are. That’s why they get to push all of those buttons), find out ways to not engage. Say hello in the hallway, smile nicely, but no engagement. Put a quota on yourself how much you can complain or feel anxious about that person in a day.

I didn’t just cut draining activities. Another big victory of psychotherapy, a direct consequence of saying NO, was cutting the draining people as well. Or minimizing the time I spent with or around them.

We all have people like that in our lives. Some of them are not simply compatible with us. Some of them make us happy only in small doses. Some of them are plain assholes.

But we often don’t recognize it. Or don’t want to recognize it. So we don’t stay away from them. We try to change them.

As if changing other people is that easy.

Or possible at all. ⁽³⁾Note in passing there is a huge difference between staying away from people and being a dick toward them. There is no need to close any doors forever. Sometimes even the worst relationship of the present has the potential to blossom in future

3. You can’t change other people. Or their opinion

Nobody is ever going to change his mind. For instance, if I say something like “kids shouldn’t go to college,” everyone either already agrees with me or disagrees with me. Very few minds will be changed no matter how correct I am (and I am correct).

Here are some of my other opinions: buying a home is ALWAYS bad. Voting is stupid. Shakespeare is Boring. ZERO wars have been justified. Wyoming, North Dakota, and Montana should be handed over to the Jews and they should move from Israel to the United States.

There! Go argue with that one.

I always fall into this trap. You see, I am sort of a smartass. I like to think I know things better than other people. I like to point it out to them. And try to change their opinion.

Or them.

The problem is: even when I am right (and I almost never am), I achieve nothing. All I meet is resistance. I merely make them angry. Or resentful. Because it is impossible to change other people. Unless they themselves want to change.

What IS possible though is – changing ourselves.

4. In order to improve the society, we need to improve ourselves first

This is how we form a better society. First we become better as individuals. You can’t help others if you look in the mirror and hate what you see. And it’s very easy to hate what is there. We live most of our lives hating the mirror.

The last sentence is one of those brilliant Altucher quotes that make you shiver. A bit melodramatic. But painfully truthful.

The main reason I tried ⁽⁴⁾And still try! changing others is because I wasn’t happy with what I saw in the mirror. It is much easier to tell other people what to do and how to behave. Then to admit yourself you don’t like you.

And then to do something about it.

5. Be yourself. Everybody else is already taken.

As I write this, I’m forty-five and I still have no idea what I want to be when I “grow up.” But I’m starting to finally accept the fact that all I want to be is ME.

Yes, it is cliche. But many people are occupied being what others expect them to be. They forget it is more important and fulfilling be authentic. Genuine. Free.

I agree there are caveats connected with „Be Yourself“ phrase. People use it to justify all sort of shitty behavior. It is a bit more tricky and complicated than „Give Up Your Day Time Job And Travel The World“. Starting a blog or telling a silly joke is one form of being yourself. Insulting your boss or raping a child is, I think you will agree, something completely else.

As this excellent Psychology Today article puts it:

“Be yourself,” but choose wisely the self you want to be.

The problem is not that people don’t know which self to choose.

The problem is they don’t even start choosing it to begin with.

6. Don’t aim for money. Aim for opportunities

Blogging is not about money. Blogging is about trust. You don’t sell ads on your blog (rarely), you don’t get the big book deal (rarely), but you do build trust and this leads to opportunities. My own blog has made me a total of zero cents but has created millions in opportunities.

I don’t want to turn this into another rant against materialism. I have already had one when I wrote about depression.

I merely want to point out it is not all about money. I agree with James that it is more important to create opportunities.

Although my experience is modest compared to his, my chess blog is a perfect example. Its total net revenue is fairly negative. But it has allowed me to write for other chess websites. ⁽⁵⁾International Chess School and ChessWarehouse To get published in the official publication of the Croatian Chess Federation. To interview the European Chess Champion. And to make connections with wonderful people from the chess world.

7. Write 10 ideas every day

Write down ten ideas. About anything. It doesn’t matter if they are business ideas, book ideas, ideas for surprising your spouse in bed, ideas for what you should do if you are arrested for shoplifting, ideas for how to make a better tennis racquet, anything you want.

A couple of years ago I performed stand-up comedy regularly at amateur evenings in a Comedy Club in Zagreb. I wasn’t particularly good. But I did attend a couple of workshops led by renowned Croatian stand-up comedian Marina Orsag.

Her secret of success? The brain is a muscle. You need to train it. In terms of comedy: always carry a writer’s pad. Observe the world around you. Write jokes on a daily basis. Keep your brain cells in shape. And do it consistently.

Altucher basically tells us the same. If you want to become an idea machine, you need to come up with ideas. You need to create a habit of thinking about them. It is not important if most of them will suck. Eventually, you WILL come up with an idea you will like.

8.Idea sex

I bet you didn’t know that ideas have sex. And they have children.

The more ideas you have running around in your little rabbit cage, the more rabbits you will get. And generations evolve fast.

Some of the greatest inventions were a result of an idea sex. Guttenberg’s printing machine was a result of two individual ideas (coin punch + wine press).

Other examples: fax machine (telephone + copier), alarm clock (bell + clock), cocktails (anything with… anything?).

Go figure.

9. The 25/25 rule

It’s hard to be the greatest at any one endeavor, but by combining passions, it’s much easier to be the greatest in the world at the intersections of those passions (because there are billions of things that can intersect, you can find your own place in the “long tail of passion” to be the master of).

It is hard to be among top 1% in one field. It is much easier to be among top 25% in several fields. Altucher says that if we are able to intersect two (or more) of our 25% fields, we are likely to become top 1% in the intersection.

Perhaps you have heard about Jared Dines. The founder of the popular music and comedy youtube channel, with more than 2 million subscribers.

The thing is, Jared is not the best comedian. He is not the best guitarist out there. ⁽⁶⁾Although he is devilishly good But he became the best in combining comedy and music.

Another example. Agadmator. He is currently the leading chess Youtuber. His channel numbers over 300 000 subscribers.

The thing is – Agadmator is not the strongest chess player ever. But he is better than an average Joe.

Nor is he the best broadcaster ever. He never had any experience. He is not a professional. But he is entertaining enough.

By combining his chess and broadcasting skills, he became one of the best chess broadcasters. ⁽⁷⁾If not THE very best – opinions are divided And is living his dream.

10. Everyone in this world has something to teach you.

Try this exercise: pretend everyone was sent to this planet to teach you. Famous people, dead people, your neighbors, your relatives, your co-workers. This will give you a strong feeling of humility. And guess what, you will learn from people, you will appreciate them more, and they will actually appreciate you more. Because everyone loves to teach.

My first Couchsurfing host ever, Simon, introduced me to the concept of „stealing talents“. He loved trying to understand how people think and what they did to acquire certain skills.

The point is that everyone has something to teach you. Everyone is better in at least one thing than you. Some are even better at everything. Instead of being jealous, isn’t it more sensible to approach people as a student?

I know some people make it painfully difficult. But here’s an idea – instead of learning only how to think and behave, you can as easily learn how NOT TO think and behave.

11. Never stop learning

Learning never stops. Many people die at 25 but are not put in the coffin until 75. The learning stopped for them early.

This idea was not new to me. I have written a whole article on this topic a long time ago. But the way Altucher puts it gives me chills.

Dead by 25, not put in the coffin until 75.

Powerful.

12. Read. A lot

Every day, read/skim chapters from books on at least four different topics. This morning I read from a biography of Mick Jagger; I read a chapter from Regenesis, a book on advances in genetic engineering, a topic I know nothing about. I read a chapter in Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed. Her other recent book, Wild, is an Oprah pick and was also excellent. I read a chapter from Myths to Live By by Joseph Campbell, and also, to waste time, I played a game of chess online.

It is well known that reading is beneficial. I don’t want to go in lengths here. ⁽⁸⁾I am actually planning to write a separate article on the topic. You can find arguments why all over the Internet. ⁽⁹⁾Say, in the article titled Why Reading Book Should Be Your Priority According To Science

Let’s just say that the majority of successful people are voracious readers. ⁽¹⁰⁾One notable exception is Donald Trump. Although we could debate whether he can be considered as a successful person at all James Altucher, Bill Gates, Warren Buffet and Mark Cuban are just some names.

There is a plenty of others.

13. Exercise gratitude

Do this every day: wake up and think of five people you are grateful for in your life right now. Not people who you were grateful for in the past. And not people you hope to be grateful for in the future if they do what you want them to do. Five people RIGHT NOW.

The „Law Of Attraction“ is an utter and complete bullshit invented to take delusional people’s money.

It got one thing right, though – a lot of it depends on the perspective. Changing it can affect our well-being.

This is precisely where exercising gratitude comes into play. There is hardly a list of „life-improvement“ tips that doesn’t mention it. Articles backed up by concrete arguments advocate it. ⁽¹¹⁾For example: Giving Thanks Can Make You Happier Even scientific studies have indicated there is indeed a correlation between being grateful and being happy. ⁽¹²⁾See: 7 Scientifically Proven Benefits Of Gratitude

In contrast to the „power of positive thinking“, it actually focuses on reality. On things going on in our life.

On people around us.

14. There is nothing shameful in (moderate) self-promotion

I first heard about Spanx when Sara Blakely was on the Donnie Deutsch show. But millions heard about it through Oprah, an opportunity that Sara created for herself. She also spent a season on Richard Branson’s reality show, defying every fear she ever had. She promoted herself down every avenue. That’s what you have to do to succeed. You can’t have any shame. I have a lot of shame in promoting myself, which I have to get over. She had no shame. Not to over-repeat a catchphrase, but Sara didn’t wait for anyone to choose her. She chose herself in every way.

Many people consider self-promotion as something negative. I understand why. There are people who do it shamelessly. Who spam relentlessly. Who try to scam you. Who just care about your money. Who don’t offer anything substantial in return.

But unless you are one of them, what is wrong in putting your name out there?

You can’t really expect somebody else to do it instead of you, can you?

15. You don’t just wake up one day and find your passion. It has been within your reach forever. You have been just too blind to see it

Try to think back to all the things you were ever passionate about from the age of five on. You’ll be surprised how many things there were. And how many ways these passions can now be cross-fertilized and mate with each other to provide your next set of passions and ideas.

When I was young, I enjoyed playing table tennis. I loved playing chess against my uncle. And I loved writing. I was really passionate about all three.

But with years, these passions died one by one. I realized I suck at table tennis so I gave it up. I stopped visiting my uncle so often, so I didn’t play chess. And writing assignments in school were so retarded they convinced me I actually hate writing. ⁽¹³⁾Seriously, the person who invented „The location and the time of the plot“ categories in book reports deserves to be shot

For a long time, there was a big vacuum in my life. When I started searching for a way to fill that vacuum, I didn’t have to search too far.

When I wanted to compete, I went to a chess tournament.

When I lacked physical activity at 19, I decided to take up table tennis once again.

When I wanted to write, I started my chess blog. And this one soon followed.

The point is that when we are young, we don’t think about consequences too much. If we love something, we simply do it.

Why can’t we do the same as adults? ⁽¹⁴⁾Okay, I agree you can’t simply ignore ALL the consequences. But for those who say „I can’t“ before they even begin, allow me to borrow a line from an article by Mark Manson, where he talks about the same topic in similar manner, titled Screw Finding Your Passion: „ Fuck you, have you even tried?“

References and further reading

James Altucher: Choose Yourself

James Altucher: Reinvent Yourself

James Altucher: 40 Alternatives To College

James Altucher Confidential

James Altucher Quora profile

 „Yeah, man, I love travelling, too.“

„We are totally going somewhere this summer.“

„Whatever you are planning, count me in. BRUH!“

In the summer of 2015, I wanted to go abroad. The replies I got were promising. I got stoked. I started exploring the options. I looked for Ryanair tickets, cheap hostels and bars that offer good beer – everything an average college student requires when organizing a trip.

When I arrived with the concrete plans, however, the old story repeated itself:

„ Uhm, yeah, I don’t have much money right now.“

„ I thought you were talking about next year.“

„ What’s wrong with going to Croatian seaside instead. It IS beautiful, you know.“

In July 2015, I have had enough. After experiencing how difficult it is to maintain a male-female friendship, my heart was broken. I needed an escape. I needed to get away. I needed a trip. ⁽¹⁾A trip, not TO trip. Although I did visit Amsterdam in the end. Nice and cultural city, I’ve got to say!

So, I said – fuck it. If the mountain won’t come to Muhammad, Muhammad can go to the mountain. After a lot of googling and zillion of requests on Couchsurfing, at the beginning of August, I did something I have never done before.

I travelled alone.

I was scared.  I felt pathetic. A lot of people asked me what’s wrong with me. But I did it.

In total, I spent 12 days in Belgium and the Netherlands. I slept in the homes of four people I haven’t met before. I hanged out with new people every day. I cycled in the countryside around Brugges. I smoked pot in Amsterdam. ⁽²⁾Whoops! Busted! I drank beers with three Americans and one Taiwanese. ⁽³⁾Who got drunk from one choco beer which contained 3.5% of alcohol. Everything they say about Asians and alcohol is true!

All in all, the trip was a memorable experience.

Nevertheless, I thought it was a one-time experience. „Okay, Vjeko, you have tried it now, you have proven to yourself you are able to do it, but it is not something you will repeat.”, I thought. I doubted I would ever travel alone again.

Naturally, three years later, in August 2018, I found myself alone on the road again. The circumstances were different – I combined pure travelling with a chess tournament. But out of 15 days, I spent 7 days completely on my own.

The second trip was much more difficult. Despite spending less time on my own, despite having gone through a solo journey before, I was uneasy. Already before setting my foot in the first aeroplane, I somehow felt isolated and depressed. Even though there were numerous beautiful moments, even though once again I met a multitude of different people, I couldn’t get rid of these negative emotions. Toward the end of the trip, I was fed up with everything and couldn’t wait to return home.

Upon my return, I started thinking about my experience. What has changed in these three years? How come one trip was challenging and rewarding and the other just plain difficult?

That’s when I realized both trips were a big learning experience. I learnt a lot about people. I learnt a lot about places. But most importantly, I learnt a lot about myself.

The lessons often happened where I least expected them. They were not always pleasant. Some epiphanies were rather painful. Some truths were rather unwanted. But they were valuable. They helped me reshape my thinking and alter my behaviour.  I firmly believe travelling alone helped me grow.

Of course, it is up to you to decide. Here are 10 lessons I learned during the 19 days I spent travelling alone. ⁽⁴⁾I know, I know, 19 days is not THAT much. But considering most people score 0 in this category, I think I am kinda qualified to share my 2 percent

• The best thing about travelling alone is being alone

Have you ever travelled somewhere with someone only to discover your wishes are completely different? Or that you’d rather not see that person every day over an extended period of time? In general, the size of the group is positively correlated with the amount of problems members are going to have between themselves. Especially in a foreign country.

The most exhilarating aspect of travelling alone is that the group consist of – yourself. You are not accountable to anyone. You don’t have to arrange things in advance. You don’t have any responsibility toward other people. You can go around and do anything you want, without worrying about whether somebody else will like it, whether he has had his lunch in time, whether he needs to go to the toilette, etc.

If you want to change your plan in the middle of the day, if you suddenly want to have a kebab or grab a beer – you are able to do so. If you want, you can visit all the museums you want, without someone complaining you can’t really take selfies at a museum or asking when are you going to do some shopping instead.

This freedom is liberating and beautiful. The ability to do what you want, whenever you want, is the best thing about travelling alone.

• We are poor at predicting what is going to make us happy

The first destination I visited in Greece was the biggest city on the island of Crete – Heraklion. Since I am a history buff, I looked forward to visiting the Palace of Knossos. I expected to learn a lot about life in Ancient Greece – after all, the place is celebrated for a reason, right?

After waiting for more than an hour in the queue, however, I had to embrace the greatest disappointment of my life. The palace is primarily an archaeological site. Most of the signs tell a lot about the reconstruction of the palace, but nothing about ancient Greece. Basically, I paid 15 euros to watch a pile of rocks.

At 12’o clock.

On 35 degrees.

The ‘breathtaking’ Palace of Knossos

Ironically, if you asked me beforehand, I would have said visiting the Palace would make me extremely happy. Much happier than everyday things like reading a book on Kindle during my flight. Or drinking coffee in a no-named street with a Vietnamese guy I just met. After all, major sights and grand events comprise the hearth of every journey, right?

My expectations were completely misguided. But it is not so surprising, though. I have already elaborated how we humans are terrible at predicting what makes us happy. How we often confuse pleasure for happiness. Since travelling is the ultimate form of pleasure, we often overestimate how content we will feel just because we have gone somewhere.

This discrepancy between expectations and reality is amplified by the social media. Not only do we rely on our own predictions about happiness, we increasingly often rely on other people as well. FOMO or Fear Of Missing Out influences us all. When someone posts a photo from/of an exotic location on Facebook, we completely disregard everything that led to that photo. We forget the photo is a highlight reel. We want to go there. NOW. We can’t delay our gratification – we want it instantly.

We rarely stop to think with our own head. Which brings me to the next point.

• We have the power to think with our own head

It definitely wasn’t the first time I thought mainstream tourist attraction is… well…shit. Checkpoint Charlie in Berlin, ⁽⁵⁾A photo of a man in the middle of the street?, Acropolis in Athens, ⁽⁶⁾20 euros to climb a hill and see 18 columns of Parthenon? more or less whole of Venice, ⁽⁷⁾Seriously, have you ever felt the smell of the sewers? just to name a few. Quite often, I found hidden gems and less touristic spots way more attractive.

For years, however, I thought there is something wrong with it. I would express my opinion and face the „What is wrong with you, how can you not like XYZ“ comments. It took me a while to realize I have the power to decide what I like and what not. That many attractions are popular just because they are popular. That many people read reviews and go with the flow instead of thinking with their own head.

When you are travelling alone, you remain alone with your impressions. There is no one to influence your point of view. You can hear your thoughts and decide for yourself. You are able to think with your own head.

In fact, the very decision to go travelling alone requires you to think with your own head. Had I listened to other people’s reactions, I would have probably never dared to leave my room. ⁽⁸⁾There is one caveat in the whole „thinking with your own head“ philosophy. It is not the same as being different for the sake of being different. Many extremists are proud to go „against the flow“, whereas they are merely repeating somebody’s thoughts. Most notable example: Flat Earth Movement

Because it seems, everybody thinks people are dangerous. Whereas in reality, they are not.

• People are inherently good

In the book Leviathan, British philosopher Thomas Hobbes wrote: Homo homini lupus. ⁽⁹⁾Actually, it would appear Plato was the first to use this expression. But Hobbes made it famous.  He assumed people are each other’s worst enemies. He assumed people are inherently evil.

Although Hobbes is not the first philosopher to take the pessimistic stance in the Good vs. Evil debate, everything I experienced while travelling alone disproves his theory. During my travels, I haven’t had a single bad experience with other people. Hosts I found through Couchsurfing are the most notable example. ⁽¹⁰⁾The whole idea of Couchsurfing is based on human kindness and generosity

But it is not just them. Hostel owners and cashiers, waiters and stewardesses, free tour guides and free tour visitors were all friendly and helpful. Not once did I feel judged or mocked in the „look at this alone loser guy“ style. I found dealing with other people easy and pleasant.

That is not to say things can’t get dangerous out there. I am not that naive or idealistic. As the recent tragic death of four foreign cyclists showed, morbid people are willing to hurt even innocent people. There ARE people who are lupuses. But I still believe THE MAJORITY is not.

To an extent, it is easy for me to talk about people being good when I haven’t experienced anything remotely scary and terrible as that. That is not to say I might not change my opinion one day.

Hopefully, I won’t.

• We are creatures of habit and routine

I recently watched a podcast with Francisco Vallejo Pons, the best Spanish chess player, World’s number 39. Among other things, he talked about the boemic lifestyle of a professional chess player. A lifestyle that involves a lot of travelling. He complained about how difficult it is to remain in shape and have a work out routine when you are constantly on the road.

His words were relatable. One of the reasons why I usually get nervous after 15 days of travelling alone; after 15 days of spending time away from home in general, is the inability to stick to my habits and my routine. I get nervous if I can’t have a table tennis practice, write, play the piano or eat food made at home in a while.  ⁽¹¹⁾What can I say – my mother is a fantastic cook! While travelling alone, I realized how important the certainty and the routine of everyday life are.

Of course, that is not to say you should never leave your neighbourhood. We all need to go on adventure sometimes. Occasional novelty is exciting. Occasional novelty is thrilling. Occasional novelty helps us grow.

But constant novelty gets gruesome and tiring. We don’t need a constant change – we need a constant.

• Being alone for short periods of time is healthy

During one of the sessions, my psychotherapist asked me if I spend some time completely on my own. Without technology, without music in the ears, without gadgets or smartphones, without other people. Completely on my own.

„What for?“ I asked, in genuine surprise. For someone like me, obsessed with work and being productive, this was a sin. A terrible waste of time. I couldn’t conceive why anyone would want to do that. I completely forgot I spent a lot of time on my own during my 2015 Belgium/Netherlands trip. And I completely forgot how healthy that is.

Many successful persons ensured they have some alone time. Immanuel Kant and Sigmund Freud, for instance, are both famous for taking extended walks in nature between their clinic work and writing endeavours. Stephen King, Marcel Proust, Bill Gates and Warren Buffet are also famous for taking breaks and devoting some time to themselves. ⁽¹²⁾You may recall Archimedes had his „Heureka“ moments in a bath. If you experience something similar, running around the city completely naked is not the best idea, though It is not a coincidence that meditation – the ultimate form of being alone – is often featured on „Top 10 habits“ lists.

Spending time alone has multiple benefits. It increases your concentration and productivity. It helps you become more creative. It actually helps you to become more productive. But the most importantly – in our fast-paced world, spending time allows you to pause and evaluate who you are and where are you going. ⁽¹³⁾Read more: Psychology Today: 6 Reasons You Should Spend Some Time Alone and Psychology Today: 7 Ways Spending Time Alone Will Change Your Life

In other words, it makes you more self-aware.

• Travelling alone makes you self-aware

When you are alone, you are your only company. You get to know yourself. One of the main reasons why people avoid being alone is a fear of finding out that this company is not pleasant at all. When you are alone, you find out whether you are OK with yourself, or not.

This is not only important for obvious reasons like self-respect or confidence, but also your relationships. A healthy relationship consists of two people who are OK with themselves. When one of them isn’t, you get the „I need you to feel complete“ type of toxic relationship, prone to manipulation, drama and boundary issues. The good old „you can’t hang out with your friends without me“ type of relationship.

When you are travelling alone, you have a lot of time to breathe and think in greater depth. You become more aware. Not only of yourself, but also of the situation you left at home. You become aware of how the situation at home affects your well-being.

This is the main reason why my two solo trips were so different. When I was fooling around Belgium and the Netherlands, I was just a carefree student. I didn’t have so many obligations, I had all the time in the world to pursue my hobbies and I was constantly hanging out with other people. Sure, my heart was broken, but when you are 21 and going around Europe, you don’t really care all that much.

Or at least it is easier to pretend you don’t.

In contrast, the trip to Greece was difficult because it was highly influenced by the „adult world“. My life changed compared to my student days. Apart from the quarter-life crisis, the realization I am not fully satisfied with my job and lack of time for all my hobbies, the biggest changes happened in my social life.

I remember my therapist asking me: „Do you ever feel lonely?“ and me answering with a firm and resolute: „No, never!“. Later I realized that there is a difference between alone and lonely. That, despite being surrounded by people, I sometimes feel lonely.

A number of factors contributed to this feeling:

• Established patterns within my family where I felt unimportant
• A full-time job which leaves you with less time for friends
• Like 18-year-old Vjeko, I have a tendency to make myself unavailable.  It let some valuable relationships out of my hands.
• I also have a tendency to take important relationships for granted and to devote myself to other, less important ones. Which are often shallow. And shallow friendships add to the feeling of loneliness.
• I also maintained a number of unhealthy friendships. The main effect of therapy was establishing boundaries and moving out of harm’s way. It reduced my social circle, though – these persons weren’t immediately supplemented.
• Constant longing for a girlfriend which arises when you are single for a long time.

Don’t get me wrong – things I wrote above sound worse than they are. Some of them are healthy (getting rid of toxic friendships), some of them can be resolved (Vjeko’s unavailability) and some of them have to be accepted as such (family patterns). The feeling of loneliness appears here and there – it is not a constant state of mind. And it is normal – I believe everyone feels like that once in a while.

While I was in Greece, this feeling resurfaced once again. While Croatia was united and celebrating the success of football national team, I was stuck at the Athens airport. While I was watching other people going to the seaside with their friends and/or girlfriends, I was afraid to take a nap because there was no one else to guard my stuff.

This awareness led to a small crisis. Everything written above was comprised in a single question I asked myself on the very first day of my trip:  „Why on Earth am I travelling alone again?“

• The worst thing about travelling alone is being lonely

Being alone for longer periods of time is not quite healthy. We, humans, are social animals – we are not wired to spend a lot of time in isolation. Anyone who tells you he doesn’t need other people is either lying to you… or to himself. One of the most popular Ted Talks of all time claims the meaning of life is relationships. The other says the meaning of life is a sense of belonging. ⁽¹⁴⁾Both talks were given by psychologists, who based them on real-life studies. So it is not just some self-help guru babbling.

Apart from my own issues, the very nature of travelling alone inevitably led to the feeling of loneliness. You have just visited an amazing sight, but you have no one to share your impressions with? ⁽¹⁵⁾Don’t forget – not mainstream touristic one!! You want to have lunch, but you have no one to split the menu for two with? You need to take a crap, but no one can guard your stuff?  And I haven’t even mentioned all the banter and jokes, small talk and deep talk and bonding that happens when a group of people is relaxed and away from their problems.

As good as being alone is, after a while, you have enough of it. You want to have someone beside you. If no one familiar has arrived with you, there is only one way of finding company – meeting new people.

Fortunately, meeting new people is quite easy.

• Meeting new people is easy

I often say I am a natural introvert who has learned how to be an extrovert. Although many people find it hard to believe, anyone who knew me in high school should be able to remember that shy and socially awkward kid who had serious trouble having a proper conversation. The first couple of years in college weren’t really different.

Student trips to Albania in 2013 and Russia 2014 were the first step toward change. But the real catalyst was  Belgium/Netherlands visit in 2015. For the first time, I realized meeting new people is not at all that scary, but rather interesting and.. fun?

 That’s the main beauty of travelling alone. It puts you out of comfort zone and forces you to be social. You don’t have the safety of your friend or group – if you wish to have a conversation, you need to have it with someone new, in another language.

Never before have I met so many people in such a short span of time, as during my two solo trips. It surprised me how easy it is – how willing other people are to make friends. The most obvious ‘targets’ were other solo travellers and Couchsurfing hosts, but I met different groups of people in hostels, during Free Tours, in pub crawls, etc.

There is one caveat, though – after a while, meeting new people becomes exhausting. As I have previously described, the constant feeling of novelty is draining. After 12 days in Greece, I was tired of telling my life story over and over again, listening to small talk or serious talk, other people’s families and dreams. These friendships were short-term and shallow – I was perfectly aware I wouldn’t see most of these people ever again.

After a while, I realized the meaning of life is not any sort of relationships. But deep, meaningful ones. Which brings me to the final point of this article.

• The meaning of life is depth

The first day in Greece, I met Mike. Mike is a gay from America who spent the last 2.5 travelling alone around the world. He spent 8 months as a Scuba Diving Instructor. He travelled to Greece without a plan.

“I just go and see where it takes me”, he said.

Mike has a unique, carefree, „go with the flow“ attitude which makes him incredibly interesting and engaging person. When you first hear his story, you get jealous – it sounds like he is driving a dream life and has nothing to complain about.

However, when you scratch the surface, a number of problems connected to the ‘constant travelling alone’ becomes apparent. Mike was a bit concerned because his lifestyle makes it incredibly difficult to form any sort of meaningful and deep relationship. ⁽¹⁶⁾Another issue no travel blogger will talk about

Travelling alone taught me to value depth. Lack of depth was what made me lonely. That’s the problems with shallow relationships – it is hard to show your true self. We, humans, have the need to feel understood. But can you feel understood if you can’t express who you are without fear of being judged?

Think of the most memorable conversations of your life. Were you talking with your neighbour about the weather in the elevator? Or were you talking about your greatest fears, your hopes and dreams, about love and about the meaning of life with your half-drunk friend at 2 AM while you were waiting in the queue for the best kebab in the city?

But it is not just about relationships.

I firmly believe that, in order to find meaning in life, we have to find depth. This is the central theme of two fantastic books: The Shallows: What the Internet Is Doing To Our Brains by Nicholas Carr and Deep Work: Rules for Focused Success in a Distracted World by Cal Newport. Whether we are talking about relationships, your day-time job, your creative endeavours or something mundane as reading a book, depth is what makes it worthwhile. In the words of Cal Newport:

„Human beings, it seems, are at their best when immersed deeply in something challenging.“

DEAR VJEKO

This is you from 7 years in the future. I know it’s weird. But no, time travel is still a huge terra incognita. No, I can’t explain how this works…No.. IT DOESN’T MATTER. Look, I’ve got things to say that might be important. Would you shut up and listen for once?

What you are about to hear will not be pleasant. But you are able to weather it. And it is necessary you hear it. Because there are things you should know. Things I wish I knew when I was your age. ⁽¹⁾Yes, I know I WAS your age – this time travel back-and-forth shit is kinda confusing. But you know what I meant.

First of all, I know you are in a lot of pain. I know it broke your heart. I know you are devastated. I know you are burning with anger and jealousy. There is nothing wrong with it. It is understandable you feel that way after seeing your crush making out with your friend in the middle of a nightclub.

Displaying negative emotions is normal – you are not a robot, for Christ sake. As long as you aren’t acting on them, harming other people (or yourself), you are good to go. Grieving periods are a part of growing up. Of being a human being. ⁽²⁾Yes, I made myself happy with this, you intolerable kid

It is also important to identify the object toward which the emotions are pointed. With blunt honesty – you can only be angry with yourself. Your crush had every right to make out with your friend instead of with you. No, it didn’t have anything to do with your physical looks, although the glasses, the haircut and clothes your mother bought you weren‘t quite helpful.

It had a lot more to do with your behavior. Never once in these two years did you express your interest. Not once did you take the move. You tried to extort the confession out of her mouth. Things don’t work that way. Sometimes you have to risk hearing an answer you don’t want to hear.

So, don’t be an idiot – learn something from this experience. Or the same thing will happen four years later with much more dramatic consequences. But that time you will be much more in love. The pain will be much worse. And you will be unable to control your actions. You will behave like a person you don’t want to be.

I am writing you this letter from the roof of the hostel in Heraklion. You might be wondering what on Earth I am doing in Greece. Sometimes, I am wondering, as well. But in a couple of days, I am participating in a chess tournament.

It is important to emphasize you went there alone. I know it sounds scary and strange. Many people will tell you it is weird. Many people will think you are a loser. But as the Beatles would say – Let it be. It was about time you stopped caring about what other people think. It was about you listened to Mark Manson and stopped giving a fuck. ((Yes, I know you are not familiar with this Mark guy. But 7 years from now you will be quoting him to death to everyone willing to listen. So I don’t want to spoil the surprise).

Besides, it is not all that bad. Nor is it the first time you are doing a solo trip. A solo trip that will be beneficial. Because these journeys force you out of your comfort zone. They force you to socialize and meet new people. And in the process, you learn a lot about yourself.

You will realize that you are capable of socializing with people you don’t know. You went to grab a beer with three Americans and Taiwanese in Bruxelles two years ago. As I like to joke, I am now an introvert that learnt how to behave like an extrovert. You don’t believe it? Dude, I spent the whole day with a Vietnamese guy I picked up at the hostel.

The reason you are unable to socialize at this very moment is your perception of yourself. You believe you are not able to conversate with people – and this belief becomes a reality. Like during your college days you will convince yourself people think chess players are nerds. And people will perceive you as such.

Since I have mentioned college – you are currently in a difficult and an important crossroad in life. You are about to make a dubious decision. A decision that will have a dramatic effect on your future.

You are about to start your engineering study. But deep down inside you know you chose engineering out of all the wrong reasons. Because it was the ‘right thing to do’. Because people thought engineering is potent. Because people thought engineering leads to a promising career. But what have we said about the opinion of others?

You know you want to study history. I know you are afraid to do it because you think you can only become a teacher with it. But fear is a pretty silly reason not to pursue your passion and do the things you love.

Many years later you will be afraid to go out in front of an audience and do your stand up comedy routine. You will be afraid of opening two blogs and sharing your scribblings with the broad public. You will still be afraid to speak with new people. But bravery is not the absence of fear. Bravery is choosing to act despite the fear.

Besides, what if I told you I am seriously considering a career switch – to teaching. Kinda ironic, isn’t it?

So, please keep insisting on doing what you love. If at any moment you aren’t sure what it is, dig in your past. You learned to play chess as a kid. Chess is now a huge part of your life.

You stopped playing table tennis because your results suffered. You are now a synonym for table tennis training in those circles.

Do you remember how much you loved to write essays as young? Formal education killed this affection, but you are about to rediscover it. The whole point of career switch would be to create more time for writing. You love writing – you are currently running and maintaining two independent blogs. Who would have thought? Pretty astonishing, huh?

Anyway, this is getting kinda long. A couple of quick tips before I go.

Always, ALWAYS, make time for friends. You have a tendency to become unavailable. Don’t do this mistake with people who DO matter.

Many people DON’T matter. Adopt no regret policy here and cross them out.  Do what’s best for yourself!

Remember to tell the parents how much they mean to you. Yes I know they made their share of mistakes. But stop blaming them – it leads nowhere. Take responsibility for yourself and start accepting them. You’ve been taking them for granted for way too long. One day they will be gone. And you will miss all the ‘Love you’s’ you haven’t said.

Start treating girls more like humans and less like fleshes of meat. You are actually solid on this one, but sometimes you forget it – being empathetic and vulnerable is not anti-macho. I know you have read many pick-up books that claim otherwise, but listen to me on this one. Burn those books, while we are at it. You are not happy with quick hookups anyway. 

Buy some Bitcoin. No don’t ask me what it is – I don’t understand it completely. But don’t worry – nobody does. Go and buy it. What are you waiting for? You are already late! You should have bought it 5 minutes ago! Yesterday!

Promise me you will never grow up. There is nothing worse than people who take themselves seriously. You aren’t living the in the 1940s anymore. I beg you to keep writing those punny jokes.

Finally – never stop believing in yourself. You are full of flaws. So is everybody around you. But you are also a wonderful human being. More wonderful than anybody around you thinks.

More wonderful than even you think.

With best regards

Your friend

Vjeko

Finally, it was over.

After a very turbulent year at the university, during which I mostly felt like crap due to the fact that the girl I liked started dating a mutual friend, on 14th July 2016, I managed to defend my  Master thesis and to get my Msc. in electrical engineering ⁽¹⁾Oh yes, and in informatical technology, as well. You’ve got to admire the versatility modern college provides you with.

This was the moment I have been striving for ever since I was seven. This was the moment where I finally accomplished this major goal. This was the moment when I am finally going to make everyone close to me really proud. After all, the sole purpose of preceding 18 years of education was to have a degree in my hand and to become a „man of my own“.

I woke up the following morning feeling relieved, joyful and hungover ⁽²⁾Fuck you, we celebrated after all. The main reason for my optimism was the fact that I had a job awaiting me just around the corner. You see, during my final bachelor year, I had signed a stipend contract with a private electrical engineering company, according to which I was supposed to start working there once I graduate ⁽³⁾Which had everything to do with my qualifications and my expertise and nothing with the fact my father worked in the same company.

Roughly month and a half later, on 1st September 2016, I entered my office for the very first time. As I was approaching the grey business complex built in the typical socialistic-Yugoslavia style, I felt both excited and nervous. „This is it“, I thought. „This is the moment when my journey in the adult world begins. From this moment onwards I am my own man, with my own salary and my own life. From this moment onwards life will be as easy and smooth as baby’s bottom.“ ⁽⁴⁾Not that I know how smooth baby’s bottoms are. You perv!.

Alas, as it usually happens, things started unfolding in a very different way than I imagined. There were many questions left unanswered. Do I want to do this job for the next 40 years? When will I travel the world?When will I change the world? Dear me, I am still single, when on Earth will I get married? When will I get my own place? With what money will I get my own place? Should I get a car? Are my hobbies worth the time?  While we are at it, where is all the time going? How am I supposed to like, accomplish all I want and still manage to hang out with my friends? Actually, what DO I want? God, can’t we just all go back and play Pro Evolution Soccer the whole day like we used to do during our teens? ⁽⁵⁾Sorry, FIFA fanboys, PES is for real men

Very soon, the excitement and curiosity and feeling of novelty were gone. Very soon, repetitiveness and boredom of everyday routine started to kick in instead. Very soon, I started feeling completely overwhelmed and lost.

These feelings completely escalated on my graduation day. In Croatia, the graduation can be safely regarded as one of the most important and memorable days of your life. ⁽⁶⁾Comparable perhaps only to your wedding day. Or the day your first child is born. Or the day when Goran Ivanisevic won his first and only Wimbledon title. It was held in the grand Lisinski concert building, in the monumental main hall which can accommodate up to 3000 people.

It was one of those occasions where everybody dresses up to the best of their ability. Where men suit up and think they look like the newest James Bond actor whereas, in reality, they look like they are ready to do your tax report. Where girls spent abnormal amounts of time and money doing their hair and matching the colour of their dress with the colour of their shoes so they can look absolutely incredible when they are posing for the new profile Facebook photo with their family where they show the world how extremely happy and proud they are and overexaggerate the importance of their own accomplishments as if they have just discovered the 10th planet or something and not spent the last year writing their master thesis between drunken nights at a local disco club and romantic vacations with Juan all around Spain.

A photo such as this one.

Oh look at him how happy he is

For the overwhelmed and lost Vjeko the whole event was quite a drag. I have never been a huge fan of similar ceremonies. The traditional “your future is bright” and “you are the chosen ones” speech by the dean merely intensified the feeling of confusion. Also, due to my lack of interest in the electrical engineering during my final year (already!), the Latin words cum laude weren’t added next to my Msc. title. For someone as nerdy as me, who used to do quite well in the academic environment, this was quite a blow. I couldn’t admit to myself I didn’t put enough effort and that my results sucked as a consequence.

Still, I looked forward to seeing all the members of my generation at the same place. Both close friends and broader social circle were present there. I looked forward to reconnecting with everybody, even if it would last only for a couple of hours. Perhaps I am not the only one with similar problems and doubts, I thought. Perhaps talking and sharing ideas and perspectives is precisely what I need. Perhaps I am finally going to feel better.

Boy, was I wrong!

Everybody seemed like they have everything figured out. Everybody was so optimistic. So positive. So confident. So…happy. As I sat down before the start of the ceremony, I felt like I don’t belong there. Completely abandoned. Completely alone.  The interaction with my peers aggravated my state of mind even further. I felt so detached from the reality. As I sat there, waiting for the ceremony to start, I couldn’t overhear people around me talking about their plans, about their futures, about their goals:

“Oh, yes, I just got my dream job at Microsoft!”

“Oh, yes, I am moving to my new flat together with my fiance within a month!”

“Oh, yes, I have more than enough time for my friends, I have found the perfect work-life balance. I am travelling to Afrika next summer to treat the children with my newly invented medical device which is going to save millions of lives and change the world forever!”

FUUUUUUCK! YOUUUUUUU!

When the graduation ended, I returned home. The guests were to arrive at any moment. The table was done. The lunch was prepared. Everything was ready for the celebration to begin.

Except for me.

As we were driving back, I got into an argument with my parents. Being unable to take responsibility for my emotions and my choices, I started blaming them for everything in my life. Basically, acting like a complete prick. The argument got heated, voices were raised and everything resulted in me slamming the door of my room and throwing myself desperately on my bed. I was trembling with my whole body. I was unable to control myself.

And just like that, tears started rolling down my face.

THE QUARTER-LIFE CRISIS?

First of all, what is a life crisis? According to dr. Oliver Robinson from the University of Greenwich:

A crisis episode is a period in adult life that is noticeably more difficult, stressful and unstable than normal, during which you sometimes struggle to cope. A crisis is also an important turning point in your life due to challenging changes that occur during it. Crisis episodes typically last for a year or two but may be shorter or longer.

The quarter-life crisis is the first major crisis that usually occurs when people reach their mid-twenties or early thirties. It is characterized by doubt, insecurity, disappointment, loneliness, and in extreme cases, depression. Adults experiencing one often feel uncertain about what the future brings. They feel lost and confused. They feel they are never successful enough. Never rich enough. Never proactive enough.

Never good enough.

The quarter-life crisis most often happens when people enter adulthood and start dealing with the “real world”. It is very hard to pinpoint the exact moment it starts and its exact causes. Different triggers have been quoted by people experiencing it. For instance, in a study published on LinkedIn, finding a job one is passionate about was the top concern. Other complaints included not earning enough, being unable to buy a property, failing to achieve personal goals, being pressured to marry and have a baby, etc.

The results of this study are echoed in other publications dedicated to the quarter-life crisis. In his book Get It Together: A Guide to Surviving Your Quarterlife Crisis, Damian Barr interviewed a huge number of people who have gone through the damn thing.  „Not doing what I love“, „Bad relationship“, „Stuck in a job without perspective“ were most often quoted as reasons for the quarter-life crisis.

I personally think quarter life crisis has a lot to do with the end of your formal education. During our school days, we are a part of the system. There is a clear goal ahead of us and our every single action is supposed to bring us closer to it. There is not much uncertainty about the near future. Hell, most of us even rarely ever think about what will happen the next day,  let alone in a couple of years. ⁽⁷⁾Or else we would never have “just one more drink” on Saturday evening and suffer from a headache during the entire Sunday

After graduation, things abruptly change. Suddenly, you are responsible for your own life, for your own problems, for your own decisions. It seems like our every single choice comes with huge consequences – imagine if it is the wrong one. Every failure seems like the end of the world. It is one thing to ask for your parents support when you lose a year at the university and quite other to do so when you should be employed, married, independent and like, fulfilled.

There is another aspect of the quarter-life crisis I haven’t covered so far. In the LinkedIn study mentioned above, 75% percent of 25-33 years old said they experienced something similar. Why are these number higher today than ever before? It is not hard to imagine someone older reading this article and merely shrugging his shoulders, attributing the quarter-life crisis to the entitlement of the younger generations. Did our parents really know what they wanted in life so much better? Is the quarter-life crisis really something typical for us, spoilt and whiny millennials?

Well, I think these extremely high percentages have a lot to do with the dramatic changes world had undergone toward the end of the 20th century. I have a theory that three major factors have influenced the way we perceive and value our own lives:

• The world spins faster than ever before

Let’s be frank. Today, the pace of life is faster than ever before. The advances in technological development have exerted major influence here. Cell phones allow people to call us whenever wherever. If someone delivers a seen at our Facebook message or doesn’t reply in the next 10 minutes, we are immediately pissed. Hell, according to one study, it takes us a full second LESS to walk for 60 foot than it took us some 10 years ago.

This sense of urgency is apparent when we are considering our future as well. There is a lot of social pressure on those who aren’t succeeding fast enough. Members of the older generation who have kinda forgotten how it is to be 25 are especially keen on asking the unpleasant questions. If I had a penny every time a family member or an older colleague asked me when am I getting married and what am I waiting for I would have had… quite a lot of pennies.

The pressure is especially apparent when we compare ourselves to our peers. Which brings me to the following point.

• The internet and the social media

Let’s not kid ourselves – we all compare ourselves with people around us that to a certain extent. We all make occasional reality checks to see how we are doing in life in comparison to our social circle. As they say, nobody wants to be the dumbest kid in the classroom.

One of the consequences of the appearance of the Internet and social media is that today, the classroom is bigger than ever before. Many years ago, our social circle was much smaller. More importantly, we were less aware of what everyone was doing at any given moment. The internet and the social media have allowed us to compare ourselves more thoroughly with a greater number of people than ever before.

The problem is that while we make these comparisons, we fail to consider that social media present us with a distorted picture. That we are looking at someone’s highlight reel. That most of the people are simply deliberately posting the best of the best. That most of the people are bluffing. ⁽⁸⁾For instance, I am certain we all know at least one annoying couple that floods our Facebook feed with numerable photos in which they declare their everlasting love, whereas, in reality, their relationship is toxic and highly dysfunctional This state of affairs merely distorts our perception of reality. It is very easy to lose perspective and imagine everyone else is having the time of their life. That we somehow, somewhere made the wrong choice.

• The freedom of choice

In a study carried out by D.A.Redelmeier and E.Shafir ⁽⁹⁾Redelmeier D. A., Shafir E., Medical Decision Making In Situation That Offer Multiple Alternatives, physicians read about Medication X and were then asked whether they would prescribe the medication for a patient with osteoarthritis. The physicians clearly considered the medication worthwhile, because only 28 percent of them chose not to prescribe it. When another group of physicians was asked whether they would prescribe medication X or an equally effective Medication Y, 48 percent chose to prescribe nothing. Apparently, adding another equally effective medication to the list of possibilities made it difficult for the physicians to decide between the two medications.

Dan Gilbert, the author of the book Stumbling Onto Happiness, explains their behaviour as follows:

If you’ve ever caught yourself saying, „I’m having such a hard time deciding between these two movies that I think I’l just stay home and watch reruns instead,“ then you know why physicians made the mistake they did.

Everyone behaves as the physicians from this study to a certain extent. We like to have choices and number of options available. But, if we have to choose between a greater number of possibilities, we often have trouble deciding to choose between them. We fear we might have the wrong choice and that the other choices might be better. ⁽¹⁰⁾In the 21st century, two separate terms were coined describing this phenomenon: FOMO, or, Fear Of Missing Out and FOBO, or,  Fear of a Better Option The main reason this phenomenon is nowadays pronounced more than ever before is the number of choices available to us. Compared to, some 50 years ago, we are able to choose between multiple options in almost every single area of life.

Let’s consider something as mundane as watching the TV. In the past, it was a miracle if a household had a TV set, let alone multiple channels. Nowadays everything is different. Don’t know what to watch on the TV? Just grab a remote and switch between 100 channels available. Or open your Netflix and choose a documentary or TV Show of your own choice. Or open youtube and search for a random movie you’d like to watch.  ⁽¹¹⁾Or download the movie/TV Show via piratebay. You haven’t heard it from me

Your career is arguably an even better example. It is no wonder so many people struggle to find their dream job – there are simply too many options. Some 50 years ago, there was no internet, the borders weren’t as open and travelling was much slower. It was more common to remain in the same workplace for the entire life. An average farmer in Texas was probably bound to remain a farmer for the rest of his life. Nowadays, on the other hand, you can freelance, you can become an entrepreneur/self-employed more easily, you can move to another country if you are not satisfied, etc. Once again the choice is abundant and this abundance is slowly killing our generation.

FIGHTING THE QUARTER-LIFE CRISIS

Now, this is the part of the article where I am going to disappoint you ⁽¹²⁾And pretend I haven’t done so already. Because so far I have once again detected the problem, but haven’t  offered a hint of a solution. The quarter-life crisis has been getting more and more recognition during the last couple of years. ⁽¹³⁾Remember dr. Oliver Robinson, mentioned earlier? He has devoted a greater part of his career – ten years, researching the matter Numerous publications and books have been written that tackle this problem and offer a handful of useful guidelines and pieces of advice. I have decided to combine the most common ones with my experience and present them in a form of yet another bulleted list.

Because who doesn’t like fucking bullet lists?

• You are not alone

In the months following my graduation, a great number of my close friends finished college as well and got their first job. Some of them were already in long-term relationships, some of them had their own place to live, some of them exclaimed they got the exact job they wanted. However, none of them said they got it all. Through conversations, I have discovered that most of them have their own doubts. Their own uncertainties. Their own questions. Very few of twentysomething I know claim they’ve got it all figured out.

I have written previously on this blog how our problems are rarely our own. This doesn’t mean they are not real. Nor does this cognition solve them. But the thought we have someone who is in the similar position with us, who can listen and understand us, who we can rely on, is very comforting. Talking to your peers, nurturing your relationships, hanging out with people and sharing experiences is often recommended as an efficient way of dealing with your quarter-life crisis.

All of it means we are not being irrational or unreasonable. It means things happening to us are perfectly normal.

Scary. And confusing.

But normal.

• Having problems is not a problem

In his book Subtle Art Of Not Giving a Fuck, Mark Manson wrote happiness equals solving problems. ⁽¹⁴⁾Readers might be familiar with it from the You Suck article, but since I think its importance can’t be overemphasized, I have decided to mention it here once again And not just any problems. Difficult, high-quality problems. Oh my god, I just want to go to sleep and wait for this day to finish sort of problems.

Manson was echoed by one of the most notable and influential psychologists of the 20th century, Erik Erikson. Erikson, who spent his lifetime studying identity, wrote the following in his book Identity: Youth and Crisis:

“Crisis […] is not an impending catastrophe, but rather a necessary turning point, a crucial moment, when development must move one way or another, marshalling resources of growth, recover, and further differentiation.”

When you think of it, it makes a lot of sense. Running a marathon makes us happy. Finishing college makes us proud. Raising a child makes us fulfilled ⁽¹⁵⁾At least that’s what my parents keep telling me None of this things are pleasant, or, god forbid, easy. Every single one of them includes solving a multitude of difficult problems. Every single one of them is often unpleasant and seemingly impossible. But they are totally worth the effort in the long run.

I think the quarter-life crisis is partially caused by the perspective we have in regard to our problems. We like to think problems are superfluous. That they merely ruin the perfection of our mid-twenties. But ironically, mid-twenties are full of difficult problems. I firmly believe we benefit from accepting them as a part of life. This small shift of perspective is the first step toward actually dealing with them.

• Avoiding the problems does not solve them

Now, the easiest way of dealing with your problems is to avoid them altogether. We humans really excel in this approach. Not only do we refuse to take responsibility for our problems, but we are champions of making excuses about why we fail to do so. The issue is that, no matter how much we try to avoid the problem, it is bound to return and haunt us again.

My sex life (or, lack of any, to be more precise) is a good example. It has been my soft spot for quite some time now. Over the years, I managed to convince myself that it is not actually such a huge problem. I altered my excuses but I really believed I shouldn’t be doing anything about it.  And whenever the problem threatened to surface, I diminished its significance with the help of some good old rationalization. I distracted myself with my hobbies. I spent time with my friends and thought not being alone is equal to not being lonely. I convinced myself the whole aspect of dating is not that important to me. However, under the surface, I was basically the same insecure teenager I was in high school. I have just learned to hide it very well. ⁽¹⁶⁾Or probably not so well – you can’t hide that from people around you, but I reckon most of them were considerate enough not to rub it in my face. Most. Of. Them!

This state of affairs lasted for quite some time. A couple of years really. Until yet another failed coffee triggered a chain reaction. Which hit me at the age of 24. And when I say hit me, I mean ran-me-over-like-a-bulldozer-and-jumped-on-my-lifeless-body. The sudden realization that the problem is still there hurt as fuck. It made me realize I am unable to deal with it on my own. It forced me to take responsibility. It resulted in me going to therapy and trying to solve this difficult problem.

Ultimately, it led to something good. Because, sooner or later, you have to, you know, do something.

• Res, non verba

Although my graduation has resulted in me hitting a new personal low, it had one major positive consequence. It acted as a wake-up call. I realized I can’t take this to continue any longer. I realized something needs to change. I realized I need to act. The question was only in which direction.

Roughly one month afterwards, I opened my chess blog. It was not immediately successful. But I was doing something. I was devoting myself to something I love. I was expressing myself and creating something that will last. Although I dreamt about earning some money out of it, it was never my primary motivation.

And somehow, little by little, it led to something. It is still not successful. I still haven’t managed to cover my initial expenses ⁽¹⁷⁾Which probably had something to do with the fact I managed to crash the entire thing a couple of times. But just recently, I got a message from a chess player who told me my writing has inspired him to start playing chess more actively. That comment solely is more fulfilling than anything I have ever experienced in the corporate world. Taking the action has definitely resulted in a big smile on my face.

And it seems I am not the only one with a similar experience. For instance, in his TedTalk – Refusing To Settle: The Quarter-Life Crisis Adam „Smiley“ Poswolsky, the author of the book The Quarter Life Break-Through, recommended acting as one of the pillars of resolving the quarter-life crisis. He called it making the ask:

„Take a risk, sign up for the class, volunteer, go abroad, work abroad, launch the crowd-funding campaign, start the blog, build that website… MAKE. THE. ASK.“

I think people too often wait for a magical solution to their problems. They complain about them, they ponder about them, they have wonderful ideas for resolving them. But they never do so. They remain passive and they never undertake any action. They never make the ask. Because making the ask is not easy. Making the ask is quite difficult because it is terrifying.

When I was opening my first blog, I didn’t know what I was doing at all. I made an awful lot of mistakes. Learning about WordPress, HTML, and CSS or figuring out how to display a chessboard scared the shit out of me.

But people forget bravery is not the absence of fear.

Bravery is choosing to act despite our fears.

• Think with your own head

In his book Barking Up the Wrong Tree, Eric Barker writes about regrets persons and had on their deathbeds. „I wish I didn’t work so hard“, or „I wish I spent more time with family and friends, were among top five regrets. But do you know which was the number one?

„ I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.“

I honestly think this statement contains the core of the quarter-life crisis. I think that every trigger of the crisis mentioned earlier is connected to this sentence on some level. I think one of the main reasons people are unhappy today is because they concern themselves with the lives and opinions of other people.

We want to start a new sport, but friends tell us we will suck at it? Yeah, let’s sit at home and binge watch the new season of Narcos instead.

We are considering a change in career, but we are afraid what our parents will tell? Oh fuck it, we will remain miserable for the next 40 years instead.

We are unhappy in a relationship, but we are afraid what the society will think if we are still single? Oh fuck it, let’s enter a shitty marriage and hope everything will somehow work out in the end.

I think we often do things not because we want to do them, but because we are trying to please others.  I think it is really shitty to bring major life decisions on the basis of what someone thinks. I honestly believe the key to resolving the quarter-life crisis is to stop trying to please other people. And to start pleasing yourself instead. ⁽¹⁸⁾That is not to say that you need to become an egotistical prick who ignores the needs of other people. The way I view it, as long as pleasing yourself doesn’t violate other people’s rights, doesn’t violate their boundaries and doesn’t do them any harm, there is no reason not to go for it Almost every article, book or video discussing the quarter-life crisis I have read or watched gives this advice in one form or another. For instance, in the afore-mentioned Ted Talk, Adam Poswolsky tells us to:

„Stop comparing yourself to others. Start doing what’s meaningful to you.“

Another quote from the book Get It Together: A Guide to Surviving Your Quarterlife Crisis, goes as follows:

„It’s feeling good about yourself whatever you’re earning, wherever you live, whoever and whatever you’re doing. […] The decisions we make don’t need to be popular – they just need to be right. For us. That’s not to say we should be contrary or go out of our way to harm or offend other people.“

In the end, it’s not those around you that are most important to you.  It’s not your coworkers, not your boss, not your friends, not even your spouse, parents or children.

In the end, it’s you.

REFERENCES AND FURTHER READING

Vice: The Vice Guide To Getting Through a Mid Twenties Crisis

Lifehacker: How To Overcome Your Quarter-Life Crisis

Forbes: Millennials – This is What Your Quarter-Life Crisis is Telling you

The Guardian: Quarter-Life Crisis – Young, Insecure, Depressed

CNBC: 4 Steps To Break Out Of Your Quarter-Life Crisis

Oliver Robinson: Quarter-Life Crisis – An Overview Of Theory And Research

Oliver Robinson: Emerging adulthood, early adulthood and quarter-life crisis: Updating Erikson for the 21st Century

Mark Manson: FOMO Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Instagram