Author: Vjekoslav Nemec (page 2 of 3)

When I am not playing chess or table tennis, I write about stuff I don't know much about. And also wondering what the hell am I doing in my life.

11 Shitty Things You Do Yet You Never Admit

A couple of months ago, I drank myself to death.

It was quite devastating. We entered the club around 11 PM. By 12 PM, we have already shattered two bottles of vodka. By 1 AM I was lying on the couch in the club unconscious. By 2 AM, the Uber driver my friends called for me left me in front of my house. It was only the second time in my life I don’t remember how I returned home after a night out. (1)Fortunately, this time I did have my SHIRT on. Although I have apparently ripped it at some point

Even though it was not the most beautiful sight in the world, it was not extraordinary. I am not the first nor the last twenty-something who did this to himself. Although excessive drinking is not commendable, it happens to us all from time to time.

The only problem was – I wasn’t able to accept it. The next day I was not only hungover – I was full of anger and shame. How could have I done it to myself? My need to be perfect, to adhere to my own principles was killing me from the inside. I was borderline depressed until I sat down across my therapist. I will never forget her ironic smile before she sympathetically said:

„Dear me, Vjeko doesn’t permit Vjeko to do anything wrong, does he?“


We all do shitty things. It is a part of being human. We are not perfect, flawless robots. Making mistakes and fucking things up happens from time to time. It is normal.

What is not normal is behaving like Vjeko with hungover. Having a desperate need to be Mr. Perfect, Mr. Absolutely Moral, Mr. Principled all the time. Not allowing yourself to do any mistakes whatsoever. Not permitting yourself to do anything wrong. (2)Note: I  am not including extreme mistakes like raping other people or driving drunk and killing someone. It is a philosophical issue I don’t want to address this time

We would all benefit if we admitted we all do shitty things from time to time. We would be able to forgive ourselves when we do them. We would be less judgmental toward other people. We would be able to forgive others when they do the same. We would get to know ourselves and accept we are flawed and imperfect human beings. Just like everybody else.

And maybe, just maybe – it might change our behaviour.

But okay, enough foreplay. Without further ado – here’s a list of shitty things we all do yet we never admit.

1.YOU THINK WHITE LIES ARE OKAY BECAUSE YOU DON’T HURT OTHER PEOPLE’S FEELINGS

When I was young, whenever I didn’t want to go out with my friends, I would come up with some silly excuse. A table tennis practice suddenly moved three hours forward. An urgent homework I forgot to do earlier.  (3)Like “urgent” and “elementary school homework” fit in the same sentence  A non-existing visit to a non-existing family.

It was easy to justify these white lies. A general consensus is they help us avoid hurt other people’s feelings. But it is well known general consensuses are often bullshit. There are several problems with white lies:

  • White lies break the trust

In the story about the shepherd boy and the wolf, the boy falsely signals that the wolf is attacking the sheep. The whole village arrives and sees he is only pulling their legs. The third time, when the wolf actually appears, the boy makes the signal again. And nobody comes. Because nobody trusts a liar.  (4)If you haven’t heard this story before, I am sorry you had such a difficult childhood

White lies are still lies. And most lies get discovered. When they do, they completely shatter the trust in someone.  And with it, the relationship as well.

  • White lies lead to bigger lies

The problem with white lies is they create a moral reference in which lying is justified. Which inevitably leads to bigger lies. The guilt involved with the act of lying slowly wears off. After a while, the white liar is “hooked” to lying. Just like weaker drugs lead to stronger drugs, white lies lead to bigger lies.

  • White lies are a vague form of communication

In the 21st century, we have become champions of indirect communication. We are afraid to express our opinion because someone might take it personally.  We are afraid to say we like someone so we resort to hints and manipulations instead. We are afraid to state the obvious so we use euphemisms and soft language instead.

White lies are another step in that direction. They are easy and they are vague. Even when not discovered, they leave the other side guessing. They leave the other side wanting to know what is really going on.

Girls using white lies to reject a coffee invitation is a good example. Instead of hurting the guy’s feelings, they often come up with some “I’m busy/I have to study” excuse. (5)AT LEAST THAT’S WHAT I HAVE HEARD More often than not, it creates confusion. Sometimes guys don’t take the hint and become obnoxious. Sometimes they take it too personally.

That’s why most guys prefer “I’m not interested” over white lies. They know where they stand.

Simple and direct language leads to clarity. Just like my friends preferred when I started saying I don’t want to go outside. They didn’t make a fuss. They didn’t get their feelings hurt.

Even if they did, it wouldn’t be my problem. Because other people’s feelings aren’t your responsibility.

  • White liars are bad with responsibility

White liars are bad at dealing with responsibility. We just saw one aspect of the problem. Not hurting other people’s feelings assumes we are responsible for their feelings. While we are not. (6)Note in passing there is a huuuuge difference between refusing the responsibility for other people’s feelings and not taking them into consideration whatsoever. We cover this topic in the next point

Another part of the problem is – we don’t make white lies because of others. We make it because of ourselves. White lying is selfish. White liars refuse to take responsibility for their own actions and their own decisions.

When I lied to my friends, I didn’t do it to preserve them of my words. I did it to preserve myself from their reaction. Even though I DECIDED not to go out with them, I avoided the responsibility for that decision.

 And that is not how adults behave.

2.YOU THINK BRUTAL HONESTY IS OKAY EVEN THOUGH YOU HURT OTHER PEOPLE’S FEELINGS

In his book Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Fuck (7)A.K.A one of the books that changed my life, Mark Manson invented a curious anti-hero – Disappointment Panda. His superpower is telling people unpleasant truths about themselves they don’t want to hear. Things like: „Yeah, sure you are making a lot of money at your job, but you are completely ignoring your family and friends.“  As Mark himself describes it:

Disappointment Panda would be the hero that none of us would want but all of us would need.

So, you dream of becoming a writer? Open Matlab and get back to work, you puny human

In life, we often behave like Disappointment Panda. We tell other people truths that might hurt them. We call it being brutally honest and pride ourselves with it. Many people don’t see anything wrong with it. Shouldn’t we all strive toward honesty? Is it really my problem if someone can’t handle the truth? Why shouldn’t I be the one to say it?

Nobody denies the value and importance of truth. But, just like everything in life, honesty is not black and white. This is not the debate about honesty vs. dishonesty. This is a debate about different types of honesty. Brutal honesty is the bad type – honesty that disregards the other person. It ignores other person’s feelings and willingness to accept the truth. It is a display of cruelty and borderline hostility.

Just as white lies, it is easy to justify brutal honesty as something we do for the sake of others.

But the truth is – it is a narcissistic act.  Brutal honesty helps us feel good about ourselves at the expense of others. It is an opportunity to indulge in our self-righteousness. It is an opportunity to display how smart and omnipotent we are. It is an opportunity to project your insecurities onto others and tell them how to live their life. It is honesty that often begins (or ends) with the dreaded „no offense, I am just being honest!“ sentence.

Instead of being brutally honest, you might try honesty with compassion. Not only does it display your care about the other person, there is more chance he/she will actually hear what you are saying. I hope you can the difference between these two sentences:

Brutal honesty: „Man, you are such a lousy writer. Why do you keep blogging? You will never be able to make a living out of it!“

Honesty with compassion: „Yeah, I am not a big fan of your writing or the topics you are covering, but I can appreciate your efforts and the love you put into it. I am just worried a bit about the future. Do you have a plan B in case it doesn’t work out?”(8)Any reference to real life persons is completely arbitrary

Therefore, when you are being brutally honest with someone, you are not being an altruist.

You are being an asshole! (9)If you are still not convinced, check this blog entry by one of my favourite Quora writers, Franklin Veaux: Some Thoughts on Radical Honesty or Honesty Without Compassion Is Cruelty. Or a Quora answer by yours truly

3. YOU GET JEALOUS OF YOUR FRIEND’S ACCOMPLISHMENTS

When I was younger, I’d get insanely jealous whenever one of my friends „scored“.

Afterward, I would feel bad. I would be angry, ashamed and worried at the same time. How can I be jealous? It is not what friends do. I am better than that. But crap, how can that bastard have everything I wanted to have.

The reasons for jealousy were my own issues. It had nothing to do with my friends and a lot to down with me. In general – we get jealous when we are not content with something in our life. As any teenage boy, I was very concerned about my sex – life and deeply unsatisfied with it. Being jealous was the way of dealing with this insecurity. (10)This article elaborates more: 7 Reasons Why We Envy Our Friend And Vice Versa

It  took me a lot to realize jealousy is a natural condition deeply rooted in biology. Although we can reduce its intensity by improving our well-being, we can’t completely eliminate it. Since we are naturally wired for comparison, we are always going to feel jealous. It is stupid to feel ashamed about something we have no control over.

What we DO have control over is what we do with our jealousy. As usual, we may use our suffering to extract positive lessons. (11)Check this article for more info: How To Cope When You Are Envious Of Your Friend We may practice self-compassion. We may detect the real reason for our jealousy. We may use it as a motivation and try to improve ourselves. We may realize we are jealous of something that is not at all important of us. (12)It is not easy to do so. A good therapist might help. Only after one year of meticulous and painful sessions do I have I managed to embrace my sexual insecurities. And to reduce my envy

Alas, more often than not, we may cause it to do something stupid and shitty. Something like sabotaging your best friend’s romantic chances by thrashing him behind his back. (13)Man, if you are reading this, I don’t know what to say apart from I am deeply sorry

Also known as gossiping.

4.YOU GOSSIP

I can hear you.

I can hear you talking about how your boss screwed you up and how he is a total asshole.

I can hear you talking about Sally and John’s relationship and how she is way too good for him.

I can hear you talking about how Mark treats Martha badly and how his kids are spoilt because he is such a lousy father.

I know – we all do it. We all gossip. We all talk behind the backs of our colleagues, our acquaintances, our friends and even our family members. Many people don’t think there is anything wrong with it. Hell, a number of articles claim gossiping is actually good for us.(14)For instance: Gossiping Is Good For You or Gossip Is Good or Why Gossiping is Not All Bad

I am not convinced, though. Just because we all do it, just because gossiping has become customary, it doesn’t mean it is healthy. What these articles fail to recognize, what most of us fail to recognize, is that there are different ways in which we can talk about others. And that gossiping is the worst of them all.

When talking about others, our intentions and the tone are the keys. The emotions we convey behind the words. We can talk about others in a very positive tone. We can admire them, find them inspiring, worry for them or simply be happy for them.

Gossiping is never positive. Gossiping is tightly connected to envy. We don’t do it because we care for others. We do it because we care for ourselves. We do it because we want to solve our insecurities by hurting other people. We make ourselves feel better by putting other people down. When they are not even there to defend themselves.

I agree that the difference between talking about others and gossiping is not always clear. That is why we often cross it. When in doubt, a following rule of thumb helps: Would I say something about someone if the person I am talking about was there? If the answer is anything but a resolute: „Fuck yes!“, then you should probably refrain from saying it.

Just like with brutal honesty – gossiping doesn’t necessarily need to be untrue (15)Although it often is. But just like brutal honesty – it doesn’t really help anyone. It is a form of indirect communication that doesn’t resolve anything.

If you have the urge to talk about someone in a negative fashion, why don’t you tell it to that very person instead?

5. YOU PICK YOUR NOSE WHEN YOU THINK NO ONE IS WATCHING

Plot twist: they do. They even see you pulling the „treasure“ out and rubbing it on the wall. Or the floor. Or your mom’s furniture. And it is groce. Please stop doing it. And carry a handkerchief.

6. YOU CHECK YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA WAY TOO OFTEN

I don’t get it.

I don’t get it what the fuck is so important it can’t wait for 30 seconds? Kim Kardashians’ new Facebook photo? Your crush’s Instagram story? Donald’s Trump most recent tweet? Why on Earth do you have the need to check your god damn smartphone everywhere? In the supermarket, while you are driving, even when you are having a coffee with your friends or dinner with your date. Are you really going to miss all that much if you are not connected at any given point in time? Can’t you delay your gratification for just a bit?

The reason I got so angry is that the „you“ in the sentences above is really „me“. I am becoming more and more aware of the effect of the social media and smartphones have on me. Apart from making me anti-social and dangerous for the environment (16)Seriously, people, put the phones away while you are driving, I am most afraid of the effect technology has on my brain.

I can feel my attention span is reducing on a daily basis. I have trouble reading longer articles. I have trouble writing a single paragraph without alt-tabbing. Hell, I can’t even take a crap any longer without solving some chess tactics on my Samsung Galaxy A8.

The scary thing is this is not incidental – technology can indeed shape our brains. In the brilliant book Shallows: What The Internet Is Doing To Our Brain (17)A 2011 Pulitzer Prize Finalist the author Nicholas Carr devotes an entire chapter describing the neuroplasticity of the brain. In a series of experiments on monkeys, neuroscientist Michael Merzenich has discovered that the structure of the adult brain is not fixed – it has the ability to undergo rapid and extensive restructuring. This is true of all neural circuits – whether they’re involved in feeling, seeing, hearing, moving, thinking or perceiving.

Our mental activity can also alter your neural circuitry. It means that when you are checking your social media, you are altering your brain. You are creating a shitty habit that is going to stick, which will, in turn, lead to even more social media checking in the future. This vicious circle can be interrupted, but with every subsequent iteration, it gets more difficult.

What is there to do?

In his book Deep Work, the author Cal Newport offers multiple tips that help you deal with technology and reach the state of „flow“. His advice can be summed up as: unplug yourself. Instead of trying to fight the distractions, he basically suggests removing them instead. Sometimes in a radical fashion like quitting social media, locking yourself up in your office and creating extended periods of „deep work“.

The advice is not revolutionary, but we often forget its significance. I have decided to adopt it before I started writing this article, I installed ColdTurkey for the first time and used it to block a number of websites. I put my smartphones out of sight, I closed myself in my room to avoid talking to my family. (18)This last step was somehow the easiest and most natural I can’t remember when was I focused this much.

Therefore, next time you are having a coffee with your friends, don’t just put your phone on the table and pretend you have enough control to resist the temptation.

Move it the fuck away.

Talk to strangers? Nah, I’ll rather read that click-bait article

8.YOU WRITE CLICKBAIT TITLES FOR YOUR BLOG POSTS IN HOPE OF ATTRACTING INNOCENT VISITORS

And no, the title was not even my own idea.

Sue me!

9.YOU STALK PEOPLE YOU ARE INTERESTED IN WAY TOO MUCH

Look, there is nothing wrong with checking someone’s facebook in order to see how he usually looks like. To get the general impression about the person. To get a basic idea who are you dealing with.

However, if you find yourself going through someone’s pictures from 2009,  browsing through the third page of the google search including his/her name or adding him/her on LinkedIn before actually meeting in person, you might have a problem.

First of all, you are robbing yourself of the joy of getting to know someone in person. Of discovering his joys and dreams. His passions and fears. Reading about someone is dull and boring, hearing about someone from his own perspective, observing his emotions and body language and listening to the tone of his voice is exciting and thrilling.

More importantly, when you are stalking, you are immediately forming an opinion about a person. Everybody knows the first impression is often wrong, especially the one formed on the basis of the limited information. While stalking, you are immediately judging a person’s online image, not the person itself.

Also, you might be considered as a creep if you accidentally slip you know something you have no business knowing.

Don’t do it, man!

10.YOU COUNT YOUR LIKES ON SOCIAL MEDIA AND TRACK EXACTLY WHO PRESSED THE BUTTON

Whenever I post a facebook post/Quora answer/Instagram story, I follow its impact. I follow the number of likes, the composition of likes and the names of the persons who pressed the button. I analyze the significance and importance of every individual like. If there is someone I am interested in, I interpret the existence of like as an open invitation to sex, and the lack of it as the end of the world.

Okay, I am maybe exaggerating a bit, but it is not far from the truth. I enjoy people mocking me for it. I also kinda hate myself for doing it. It is utterly ridiculous and narcissistic. It’s like I am 15-years-old again. It has a negative effect on my happiness. Either I am getting way too little likes and am therefore unhappy. Or I get a sufficient amount of likes and realize Facebook likes don’t really matter.

Not to mention I get offended if someone comments against me WITHOUT liking the content. But at least getting offended in the 21st century is easier than ever before.

11.YOU GET OFFENDED BECAUSE A RANDOM GUY ON INTERNET SKIPPED A NUMBER ON HIS LIST

I bet none of you realized I skipped a number earlier on this list.

I bet you are all scrolling up now in order to check it.

I bet you have all realized it by now and are now cursing the author because who the fuck he thinks he is to pull such immature and cheeky jokes that waste your time.

I bet you are now very angry and offended.

Just like you get offended by when someone makes a comment you disagree with.

Or when someone disagrees with a comment you make.

Or when someone makes a joke you think isn’t funny.

Or writes a swear word in his blog post.

Or calls you fuckface in it.

This is one of the main problems of the Internet nowadays. We live in the age of outrage. People are discovering new ways of getting offended on a daily basis. The Internet allowed us to display our narcissistic tendencies and we started taking everything very very personally. Dealing with this narcissism, holding a brake over our keyboard is one of the most important challenges technology poses us with.

“Wait, why you only put green lasers? Aren’t red lasers also worthy?”

Therefore, let me clarify: I am not writing this for you. Or writing about you. I am writing this for myself. So if you are offended because you don’t like my writing, or by my swearing, or the fact you recognized yourself on this list, there is only one thing to say.

Get the fuck over it!

Fuckface!

Footnotes

Footnotes
1 Fortunately, this time I did have my SHIRT on. Although I have apparently ripped it at some point
2 Note: I  am not including extreme mistakes like raping other people or driving drunk and killing someone. It is a philosophical issue I don’t want to address this time
3 Like “urgent” and “elementary school homework” fit in the same sentence
4 If you haven’t heard this story before, I am sorry you had such a difficult childhood
5 AT LEAST THAT’S WHAT I HAVE HEARD
6 Note in passing there is a huuuuge difference between refusing the responsibility for other people’s feelings and not taking them into consideration whatsoever. We cover this topic in the next point
7 A.K.A one of the books that changed my life
8 Any reference to real life persons is completely arbitrary
9 If you are still not convinced, check this blog entry by one of my favourite Quora writers, Franklin Veaux: Some Thoughts on Radical Honesty or Honesty Without Compassion Is Cruelty. Or a Quora answer by yours truly
10 This article elaborates more: 7 Reasons Why We Envy Our Friend And Vice Versa
11 Check this article for more info: How To Cope When You Are Envious Of Your Friend
12 It is not easy to do so. A good therapist might help. Only after one year of meticulous and painful sessions do I have I managed to embrace my sexual insecurities. And to reduce my envy
13 Man, if you are reading this, I don’t know what to say apart from I am deeply sorry
14 For instance: Gossiping Is Good For You or Gossip Is Good or Why Gossiping is Not All Bad
15 Although it often is
16 Seriously, people, put the phones away while you are driving
17 A 2011 Pulitzer Prize Finalist
18 This last step was somehow the easiest and most natural

10 Lessons I Learned While Travelling Alone

 „Yeah, man, I love travelling, too.“

„We are totally going somewhere this summer.“

„Whatever you are planning, count me in. BRUH!“

In the summer of 2015, I wanted to go abroad. The replies I got were promising. I got stoked. I started exploring the options. I looked for Ryanair tickets, cheap hostels and bars that offer good beer – everything an average college student requires when organizing a trip.

When I arrived with the concrete plans, however, the old story repeated itself:

„ Uhm, yeah, I don’t have much money right now.“

„ I thought you were talking about next year.“

„ What’s wrong with going to Croatian seaside instead. It IS beautiful, you know.“

In July 2015, I have had enough. After experiencing how difficult it is to maintain a male-female friendship, my heart was broken. I needed an escape. I needed to get away. I needed a trip. (1)A trip, not TO trip. Although I did visit Amsterdam in the end. Nice and cultural city, I’ve got to say!

So, I said – fuck it. If the mountain won’t come to Muhammad, Muhammad can go to the mountain. After a lot of googling and zillion of requests on Couchsurfing, at the beginning of August, I did something I have never done before.

I travelled alone.

I was scared.  I felt pathetic. A lot of people asked me what’s wrong with me. But I did it.

In total, I spent 12 days in Belgium and the Netherlands. I slept in the homes of four people I haven’t met before. I hanged out with new people every day. I cycled in the countryside around Brugges. I smoked pot in Amsterdam. (2)Whoops! Busted! I drank beers with three Americans and one Taiwanese. (3)Who got drunk from one choco beer which contained 3.5% of alcohol. Everything they say about Asians and alcohol is true!

All in all, the trip was a memorable experience.

Nevertheless, I thought it was a one-time experience. „Okay, Vjeko, you have tried it now, you have proven to yourself you are able to do it, but it is not something you will repeat.”, I thought. I doubted I would ever travel alone again.

Naturally, three years later, in August 2018, I found myself alone on the road again. The circumstances were different – I combined pure travelling with a chess tournament. But out of 15 days, I spent 7 days completely on my own.

The second trip was much more difficult. Despite spending less time on my own, despite having gone through a solo journey before, I was uneasy. Already before setting my foot in the first aeroplane, I somehow felt isolated and depressed. Even though there were numerous beautiful moments, even though once again I met a multitude of different people, I couldn’t get rid of these negative emotions. Toward the end of the trip, I was fed up with everything and couldn’t wait to return home.

Upon my return, I started thinking about my experience. What has changed in these three years? How come one trip was challenging and rewarding and the other just plain difficult?

That’s when I realized both trips were a big learning experience. I learnt a lot about people. I learnt a lot about places. But most importantly, I learnt a lot about myself.

The lessons often happened where I least expected them. They were not always pleasant. Some epiphanies were rather painful. Some truths were rather unwanted. But they were valuable. They helped me reshape my thinking and alter my behaviour.  I firmly believe travelling alone helped me grow.

Of course, it is up to you to decide. Here are 10 lessons I learned during the 19 days I spent travelling alone. (4)I know, I know, 19 days is not THAT much. But considering most people score 0 in this category, I think I am kinda qualified to share my 2 percent

  • The best thing about travelling alone is being alone

Have you ever travelled somewhere with someone only to discover your wishes are completely different? Or that you’d rather not see that person every day over an extended period of time? In general, the size of the group is positively correlated with the amount of problems members are going to have between themselves. Especially in a foreign country.

The most exhilarating aspect of travelling alone is that the group consist of – yourself. You are not accountable to anyone. You don’t have to arrange things in advance. You don’t have any responsibility toward other people. You can go around and do anything you want, without worrying about whether somebody else will like it, whether he has had his lunch in time, whether he needs to go to the toilette, etc.

If you want to change your plan in the middle of the day, if you suddenly want to have a kebab or grab a beer – you are able to do so. If you want, you can visit all the museums you want, without someone complaining you can’t really take selfies at a museum or asking when are you going to do some shopping instead.

This freedom is liberating and beautiful. The ability to do what you want, whenever you want, is the best thing about travelling alone.

  • We are poor at predicting what is going to make us happy

The first destination I visited in Greece was the biggest city on the island of Crete – Heraklion. Since I am a history buff, I looked forward to visiting the Palace of Knossos. I expected to learn a lot about life in Ancient Greece – after all, the place is celebrated for a reason, right?

After waiting for more than an hour in the queue, however, I had to embrace the greatest disappointment of my life. The palace is primarily an archaeological site. Most of the signs tell a lot about the reconstruction of the palace, but nothing about ancient Greece. Basically, I paid 15 euros to watch a pile of rocks.

At 12’o clock.

On 35 degrees.

The ‘breathtaking’ Palace of Knossos

Ironically, if you asked me beforehand, I would have said visiting the Palace would make me extremely happy. Much happier than everyday things like reading a book on Kindle during my flight. Or drinking coffee in a no-named street with a Vietnamese guy I just met. After all, major sights and grand events comprise the hearth of every journey, right?

My expectations were completely misguided. But it is not so surprising, though. I have already elaborated how we humans are terrible at predicting what makes us happy. How we often confuse pleasure for happiness. Since travelling is the ultimate form of pleasure, we often overestimate how content we will feel just because we have gone somewhere.

This discrepancy between expectations and reality is amplified by the social media. Not only do we rely on our own predictions about happiness, we increasingly often rely on other people as well. FOMO or Fear Of Missing Out influences us all. When someone posts a photo from/of an exotic location on Facebook, we completely disregard everything that led to that photo. We forget the photo is a highlight reel. We want to go there. NOW. We can’t delay our gratification – we want it instantly.

We rarely stop to think with our own head. Which brings me to the next point.

  • We have the power to think with our own head

It definitely wasn’t the first time I thought mainstream tourist attraction is… well…shit. Checkpoint Charlie in Berlin, (5)A photo of a man in the middle of the street?, Acropolis in Athens, (6)20 euros to climb a hill and see 18 columns of Parthenon? more or less whole of Venice, (7)Seriously, have you ever felt the smell of the sewers? just to name a few. Quite often, I found hidden gems and less touristic spots way more attractive.

For years, however, I thought there is something wrong with it. I would express my opinion and face the „What is wrong with you, how can you not like XYZ“ comments. It took me a while to realize I have the power to decide what I like and what not. That many attractions are popular just because they are popular. That many people read reviews and go with the flow instead of thinking with their own head.

When you are travelling alone, you remain alone with your impressions. There is no one to influence your point of view. You can hear your thoughts and decide for yourself. You are able to think with your own head.

In fact, the very decision to go travelling alone requires you to think with your own head. Had I listened to other people’s reactions, I would have probably never dared to leave my room. (8)There is one caveat in the whole „thinking with your own head“ philosophy. It is not the same as being different for the sake of being different. Many extremists are proud to go „against the flow“, whereas they are merely repeating somebody’s thoughts. Most notable example: Flat Earth Movement

Because it seems, everybody thinks people are dangerous. Whereas in reality, they are not.

  • People are inherently good

In the book Leviathan, British philosopher Thomas Hobbes wrote: Homo homini lupus. (9)Actually, it would appear Plato was the first to use this expression. But Hobbes made it famous.  He assumed people are each other’s worst enemies. He assumed people are inherently evil.

Although Hobbes is not the first philosopher to take the pessimistic stance in the Good vs. Evil debate, everything I experienced while travelling alone disproves his theory. During my travels, I haven’t had a single bad experience with other people. Hosts I found through Couchsurfing are the most notable example. (10)The whole idea of Couchsurfing is based on human kindness and generosity

But it is not just them. Hostel owners and cashiers, waiters and stewardesses, free tour guides and free tour visitors were all friendly and helpful. Not once did I feel judged or mocked in the „look at this alone loser guy“ style. I found dealing with other people easy and pleasant.

That is not to say things can’t get dangerous out there. I am not that naive or idealistic. As the recent tragic death of four foreign cyclists showed, morbid people are willing to hurt even innocent people. There ARE people who are lupuses. But I still believe THE MAJORITY is not.

To an extent, it is easy for me to talk about people being good when I haven’t experienced anything remotely scary and terrible as that. That is not to say I might not change my opinion one day.

Hopefully, I won’t.

  • We are creatures of habit and routine

I recently watched a podcast with Francisco Vallejo Pons, the best Spanish chess player, World’s number 39. Among other things, he talked about the boemic lifestyle of a professional chess player. A lifestyle that involves a lot of travelling. He complained about how difficult it is to remain in shape and have a work out routine when you are constantly on the road.

His words were relatable. One of the reasons why I usually get nervous after 15 days of travelling alone; after 15 days of spending time away from home in general, is the inability to stick to my habits and my routine. I get nervous if I can’t have a table tennis practice, write, play the piano or eat food made at home in a while.  (11)What can I say – my mother is a fantastic cook! While travelling alone, I realized how important the certainty and the routine of everyday life are.

Of course, that is not to say you should never leave your neighbourhood. We all need to go on adventure sometimes. Occasional novelty is exciting. Occasional novelty is thrilling. Occasional novelty helps us grow.

But constant novelty gets gruesome and tiring. We don’t need a constant change – we need a constant.

  • Being alone for short periods of time is healthy

During one of the sessions, my psychotherapist asked me if I spend some time completely on my own. Without technology, without music in the ears, without gadgets or smartphones, without other people. Completely on my own.

„What for?“ I asked, in genuine surprise. For someone like me, obsessed with work and being productive, this was a sin. A terrible waste of time. I couldn’t conceive why anyone would want to do that. I completely forgot I spent a lot of time on my own during my 2015 Belgium/Netherlands trip. And I completely forgot how healthy that is.

Many successful persons ensured they have some alone time. Immanuel Kant and Sigmund Freud, for instance, are both famous for taking extended walks in nature between their clinic work and writing endeavours. Stephen King, Marcel Proust, Bill Gates and Warren Buffet are also famous for taking breaks and devoting some time to themselves. (12)You may recall Archimedes had his „Heureka“ moments in a bath. If you experience something similar, running around the city completely naked is not the best idea, though It is not a coincidence that meditation – the ultimate form of being alone – is often featured on „Top 10 habits“ lists.

Spending time alone has multiple benefits. It increases your concentration and productivity. It helps you become more creative. It actually helps you to become more productive. But the most importantly – in our fast-paced world, spending time allows you to pause and evaluate who you are and where are you going. (13)Read more: Psychology Today: 6 Reasons You Should Spend Some Time Alone and Psychology Today: 7 Ways Spending Time Alone Will Change Your Life

In other words, it makes you more self-aware.

  • Travelling alone makes you self-aware

When you are alone, you are your only company. You get to know yourself. One of the main reasons why people avoid being alone is a fear of finding out that this company is not pleasant at all. When you are alone, you find out whether you are OK with yourself, or not.

This is not only important for obvious reasons like self-respect or confidence, but also your relationships. A healthy relationship consists of two people who are OK with themselves. When one of them isn’t, you get the „I need you to feel complete“ type of toxic relationship, prone to manipulation, drama and boundary issues. The good old „you can’t hang out with your friends without me“ type of relationship.

When you are travelling alone, you have a lot of time to breathe and think in greater depth. You become more aware. Not only of yourself, but also of the situation you left at home. You become aware of how the situation at home affects your well-being.

This is the main reason why my two solo trips were so different. When I was fooling around Belgium and the Netherlands, I was just a carefree student. I didn’t have so many obligations, I had all the time in the world to pursue my hobbies and I was constantly hanging out with other people. Sure, my heart was broken, but when you are 21 and going around Europe, you don’t really care all that much.

Or at least it is easier to pretend you don’t.

In contrast, the trip to Greece was difficult because it was highly influenced by the „adult world“. My life changed compared to my student days. Apart from the quarter-life crisis, the realization I am not fully satisfied with my job and lack of time for all my hobbies, the biggest changes happened in my social life.

I remember my therapist asking me: „Do you ever feel lonely?“ and me answering with a firm and resolute: „No, never!“. Later I realized that there is a difference between alone and lonely. That, despite being surrounded by people, I sometimes feel lonely.

A number of factors contributed to this feeling:

  • Established patterns within my family where I felt unimportant
  • A full-time job which leaves you with less time for friends
  • Like 18-year-old Vjeko, I have a tendency to make myself unavailable.  It let some valuable relationships out of my hands.
  • I also have a tendency to take important relationships for granted and to devote myself to other, less important ones. Which are often shallow. And shallow friendships add to the feeling of loneliness.
  • I also maintained a number of unhealthy friendships. The main effect of therapy was establishing boundaries and moving out of harm’s way. It reduced my social circle, though – these persons weren’t immediately supplemented.
  • Constant longing for a girlfriend which arises when you are single for a long time.

Don’t get me wrong – things I wrote above sound worse than they are. Some of them are healthy (getting rid of toxic friendships), some of them can be resolved (Vjeko’s unavailability) and some of them have to be accepted as such (family patterns). The feeling of loneliness appears here and there – it is not a constant state of mind. And it is normal – I believe everyone feels like that once in a while.

While I was in Greece, this feeling resurfaced once again. While Croatia was united and celebrating the success of football national team, I was stuck at the Athens airport. While I was watching other people going to the seaside with their friends and/or girlfriends, I was afraid to take a nap because there was no one else to guard my stuff.

This awareness led to a small crisis. Everything written above was comprised in a single question I asked myself on the very first day of my trip:  „Why on Earth am I travelling alone again?“

  • The worst thing about travelling alone is being lonely

Being alone for longer periods of time is not quite healthy. We, humans, are social animals – we are not wired to spend a lot of time in isolation. Anyone who tells you he doesn’t need other people is either lying to you… or to himself. One of the most popular Ted Talks of all time claims the meaning of life is relationships. The other says the meaning of life is a sense of belonging. (14)Both talks were given by psychologists, who based them on real-life studies. So it is not just some self-help guru babbling.

Apart from my own issues, the very nature of travelling alone inevitably led to the feeling of loneliness. You have just visited an amazing sight, but you have no one to share your impressions with? (15)Don’t forget – not mainstream touristic one!! You want to have lunch, but you have no one to split the menu for two with? You need to take a crap, but no one can guard your stuff?  And I haven’t even mentioned all the banter and jokes, small talk and deep talk and bonding that happens when a group of people is relaxed and away from their problems.

As good as being alone is, after a while, you have enough of it. You want to have someone beside you. If no one familiar has arrived with you, there is only one way of finding company – meeting new people.

Fortunately, meeting new people is quite easy.

  • Meeting new people is easy

I often say I am a natural introvert who has learned how to be an extrovert. Although many people find it hard to believe, anyone who knew me in high school should be able to remember that shy and socially awkward kid who had serious trouble having a proper conversation. The first couple of years in college weren’t really different.

Student trips to Albania in 2013 and Russia 2014 were the first step toward change. But the real catalyst was  Belgium/Netherlands visit in 2015. For the first time, I realized meeting new people is not at all that scary, but rather interesting and.. fun?

 That’s the main beauty of travelling alone. It puts you out of comfort zone and forces you to be social. You don’t have the safety of your friend or group – if you wish to have a conversation, you need to have it with someone new, in another language.

Never before have I met so many people in such a short span of time, as during my two solo trips. It surprised me how easy it is – how willing other people are to make friends. The most obvious ‘targets’ were other solo travellers and Couchsurfing hosts, but I met different groups of people in hostels, during Free Tours, in pub crawls, etc.

There is one caveat, though – after a while, meeting new people becomes exhausting. As I have previously described, the constant feeling of novelty is draining. After 12 days in Greece, I was tired of telling my life story over and over again, listening to small talk or serious talk, other people’s families and dreams. These friendships were short-term and shallow – I was perfectly aware I wouldn’t see most of these people ever again.

After a while, I realized the meaning of life is not any sort of relationships. But deep, meaningful ones. Which brings me to the final point of this article.

  • The meaning of life is depth

The first day in Greece, I met Mike. Mike is a gay from America who spent the last 2.5 travelling alone around the world. He spent 8 months as a Scuba Diving Instructor. He travelled to Greece without a plan.

“I just go and see where it takes me”, he said.

Mike has a unique, carefree, „go with the flow“ attitude which makes him incredibly interesting and engaging person. When you first hear his story, you get jealous – it sounds like he is driving a dream life and has nothing to complain about.

However, when you scratch the surface, a number of problems connected to the ‘constant travelling alone’ becomes apparent. Mike was a bit concerned because his lifestyle makes it incredibly difficult to form any sort of meaningful and deep relationship. (16)Another issue no travel blogger will talk about

Travelling alone taught me to value depth. Lack of depth was what made me lonely. That’s the problems with shallow relationships – it is hard to show your true self. We, humans, have the need to feel understood. But can you feel understood if you can’t express who you are without fear of being judged?

Think of the most memorable conversations of your life. Were you talking with your neighbour about the weather in the elevator? Or were you talking about your greatest fears, your hopes and dreams, about love and about the meaning of life with your half-drunk friend at 2 AM while you were waiting in the queue for the best kebab in the city?

But it is not just about relationships.

I firmly believe that, in order to find meaning in life, we have to find depth. This is the central theme of two fantastic books: The Shallows: What the Internet Is Doing To Our Brains by Nicholas Carr and Deep Work: Rules for Focused Success in a Distracted World by Cal Newport. Whether we are talking about relationships, your day-time job, your creative endeavours or something mundane as reading a book, depth is what makes it worthwhile. In the words of Cal Newport:

„Human beings, it seems, are at their best when immersed deeply in something challenging.“

Footnotes

Footnotes
1 A trip, not TO trip. Although I did visit Amsterdam in the end. Nice and cultural city, I’ve got to say!
2 Whoops! Busted!
3 Who got drunk from one choco beer which contained 3.5% of alcohol. Everything they say about Asians and alcohol is true!
4 I know, I know, 19 days is not THAT much. But considering most people score 0 in this category, I think I am kinda qualified to share my 2 percent
5 A photo of a man in the middle of the street?
6 20 euros to climb a hill and see 18 columns of Parthenon?
7 Seriously, have you ever felt the smell of the sewers?
8 There is one caveat in the whole „thinking with your own head“ philosophy. It is not the same as being different for the sake of being different. Many extremists are proud to go „against the flow“, whereas they are merely repeating somebody’s thoughts. Most notable example: Flat Earth Movement
9 Actually, it would appear Plato was the first to use this expression. But Hobbes made it famous
10 The whole idea of Couchsurfing is based on human kindness and generosity
11 What can I say – my mother is a fantastic cook!
12 You may recall Archimedes had his „Heureka“ moments in a bath. If you experience something similar, running around the city completely naked is not the best idea, though
13 Read more: Psychology Today: 6 Reasons You Should Spend Some Time Alone and Psychology Today: 7 Ways Spending Time Alone Will Change Your Life
14 Both talks were given by psychologists, who based them on real-life studies. So it is not just some self-help guru babbling.
15 Don’t forget – not mainstream touristic one!!
16 Another issue no travel blogger will talk about

An Open Letter To My 18-Year-Old Self

DEAR VJEKO

This is you from 7 years in the future. I know it’s weird. But no, time travel is still a huge terra incognita. No, I can’t explain how this works…No.. IT DOESN’T MATTER. Look, I’ve got things to say that might be important. Would you shut up and listen for once?

What you are about to hear will not be pleasant. But you are able to weather it. And it is necessary you hear it. Because there are things you should know. Things I wish I knew when I was your age. (1)Yes, I know I WAS your age – this time travel back-and-forth shit is kinda confusing. But you know what I meant.

First of all, I know you are in a lot of pain. I know it broke your heart. I know you are devastated. I know you are burning with anger and jealousy. There is nothing wrong with it. It is understandable you feel that way after seeing your crush making out with your friend in the middle of a nightclub.

Displaying negative emotions is normal – you are not a robot, for Christ sake. As long as you aren’t acting on them, harming other people (or yourself), you are good to go. Grieving periods are a part of growing up. Of being a human being. (2)Yes, I made myself happy with this, you intolerable kid

It is also important to identify the object toward which the emotions are pointed. With blunt honesty – you can only be angry with yourself. Your crush had every right to make out with your friend instead of with you. No, it didn’t have anything to do with your physical looks, although the glasses, the haircut and clothes your mother bought you weren‘t quite helpful.

It had a lot more to do with your behavior. Never once in these two years did you express your interest. Not once did you take the move. You tried to extort the confession out of her mouth. Things don’t work that way. Sometimes you have to risk hearing an answer you don’t want to hear.

So, don’t be an idiot – learn something from this experience. Or the same thing will happen four years later with much more dramatic consequences. But that time you will be much more in love. The pain will be much worse. And you will be unable to control your actions. You will behave like a person you don’t want to be.

I am writing you this letter from the roof of the hostel in Heraklion. You might be wondering what on Earth I am doing in Greece. Sometimes, I am wondering, as well. But in a couple of days, I am participating in a chess tournament.

It is important to emphasize you went there alone. I know it sounds scary and strange. Many people will tell you it is weird. Many people will think you are a loser. But as the Beatles would say – Let it be. It was about time you stopped caring about what other people think. It was about you listened to Mark Manson and stopped giving a fuck. ((Yes, I know you are not familiar with this Mark guy. But 7 years from now you will be quoting him to death to everyone willing to listen. So I don’t want to spoil the surprise).

Besides, it is not all that bad. Nor is it the first time you are doing a solo trip. A solo trip that will be beneficial. Because these journeys force you out of your comfort zone. They force you to socialize and meet new people. And in the process, you learn a lot about yourself.

You will realize that you are capable of socializing with people you don’t know. You went to grab a beer with three Americans and Taiwanese in Bruxelles two years ago. As I like to joke, I am now an introvert that learnt how to behave like an extrovert. You don’t believe it? Dude, I spent the whole day with a Vietnamese guy I picked up at the hostel.

The reason you are unable to socialize at this very moment is your perception of yourself. You believe you are not able to conversate with people – and this belief becomes a reality. Like during your college days you will convince yourself people think chess players are nerds. And people will perceive you as such.

Since I have mentioned college – you are currently in a difficult and an important crossroad in life. You are about to make a dubious decision. A decision that will have a dramatic effect on your future.

You are about to start your engineering study. But deep down inside you know you chose engineering out of all the wrong reasons. Because it was the ‘right thing to do’. Because people thought engineering is potent. Because people thought engineering leads to a promising career. But what have we said about the opinion of others?

You know you want to study history. I know you are afraid to do it because you think you can only become a teacher with it. But fear is a pretty silly reason not to pursue your passion and do the things you love.

Many years later you will be afraid to go out in front of an audience and do your stand up comedy routine. You will be afraid of opening two blogs and sharing your scribblings with the broad public. You will still be afraid to speak with new people. But bravery is not the absence of fear. Bravery is choosing to act despite the fear.

Besides, what if I told you I am seriously considering a career switch – to teaching. Kinda ironic, isn’t it?

So, please keep insisting on doing what you love. If at any moment you aren’t sure what it is, dig in your past. You learned to play chess as a kid. Chess is now a huge part of your life.

You stopped playing table tennis because your results suffered. You are now a synonym for table tennis training in those circles.

Do you remember how much you loved to write essays as young? Formal education killed this affection, but you are about to rediscover it. The whole point of career switch would be to create more time for writing. You love writing – you are currently running and maintaining two independent blogs. Who would have thought? Pretty astonishing, huh?

Anyway, this is getting kinda long. A couple of quick tips before I go.

Always, ALWAYS, make time for friends. You have a tendency to become unavailable. Don’t do this mistake with people who DO matter.

Many people DON’T matter. Adopt no regret policy here and cross them out.  Do what’s best for yourself!

Remember to tell the parents how much they mean to you. Yes I know they made their share of mistakes. But stop blaming them – it leads nowhere. Take responsibility for yourself and start accepting them. You’ve been taking them for granted for way too long. One day they will be gone. And you will miss all the ‘Love you’s’ you haven’t said.

Start treating girls more like humans and less like fleshes of meat. You are actually solid on this one, but sometimes you forget it – being empathetic and vulnerable is not anti-macho. I know you have read many pick-up books that claim otherwise, but listen to me on this one. Burn those books, while we are at it. You are not happy with quick hookups anyway. 

Buy some Bitcoin. No don’t ask me what it is – I don’t understand it completely. But don’t worry – nobody does. Go and buy it. What are you waiting for? You are already late! You should have bought it 5 minutes ago! Yesterday!

Promise me you will never grow up. There is nothing worse than people who take themselves seriously. You aren’t living the in the 1940s anymore. I beg you to keep writing those punny jokes.

Finally – never stop believing in yourself. You are full of flaws. So is everybody around you. But you are also a wonderful human being. More wonderful than anybody around you thinks.

More wonderful than even you think.

With best regards

Your friend

Vjeko

Footnotes

Footnotes
1 Yes, I know I WAS your age – this time travel back-and-forth shit is kinda confusing. But you know what I meant.
2 Yes, I made myself happy with this, you intolerable kid

The Power of Delayed Gratification Or: Why To Stop Worrying About Your Facebook Likes

THE MARSHMALLOW EXPERIMENT

Throughout the 1960s, Walter Mischel led more than 600 children, one by one, into a room with nothing but a chair and table in it, and gave them a marshmallow. He then left the room for 15-20 minutes, but told the children beforehand if they don’t eat the marshmallow while he is gone, they will get another one upon his return.

No, Mischel was not a perverted sexual predator, but a brilliant psychology professor at the University of Stanford. (1)Cynics would say one doesn’t necessarily exclude the another, but as you all know, this blog is a cynicism-free zone! In the series of experiments which would later become known as Stanford Marshmallow Experiments, Mischel investigated the matters of self-control and willpower. He wondered whether the children are able to delay their gratification for the sake of future gains.

The experiments showed they are. Only one-third of the children ate the marshmallow immediately. Another third hesitated for a while, but then succumbed. And the last third managed to delay their gratification for the entire 15-20 minute period – which must have seemed almost like an eternity for a child who had something sweet in front of his eyes.

Now, Mischel wasn’t interested in the very nature of willpower. Back in the day, it was assumed willpower is a predetermined trait.  (2)As we will see later in the article, that is not quite true What Mischel WAS interested in were the methods that helped the children to resist. As he himself said in a recent interview: (3)Source: https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/09/what-the-marshmallow-test-really-teaches-about-self-control/380673/

„[…] we were studying the kinds of things that kids did naturally to make self-control easier or harder for them. Four-year-olds can be brilliantly imaginative about distracting themselves, turning their toes into piano keyboards, singing little songs, exploring their nasal orifices.“

You see, Mischel assumed the very same cognitive processes used by children to delay their gratification are used by adults in face of adversity:

„The most interesting thing, I think, about the studies is not the correlations that the press picks up, but that the marshmallow studies became the basis for testing all kinds of adults and how adults deal with difficult emotions that are very hard to distance yourself from, like heartbreak or grief.“

Also, Mischel wanted to find out whether a child’s age has anything to do with the ability to delay the gratification. As the studies showed, the correlation was quite significant – the older the child, the longer it took him, on average, to give up and eat the marshmallow.

In the 1970s Mischel published his findings (4)For instance, see: Mischel, W., & Ebbesen, E. B. (1970). Attention in delay of gratification. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 16(2), 329-337 and Mischel, W., Ebbesen, E. B., & Raskoff Zeiss, A. (1972). Cognitive and attentional mechanisms in delay of gratification. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 21(2), 204-218  – and suddenly, that was it! The kids went home, he continued his professional life and everybody lived happily ever after. Although the results of Marshmallow Test were important, there were by no means revolutionary. There was no stir in the scientific community, no headlines in the newspapers and no viral posts on fantastic Internet blogs. (5)Is it just me, or you have heard this joke before. I mean, „joke“

Mischel and marshmallows would have probably never become famous, were it not for the series of follow-up studies conducted by Mischel almost 20 years later.

THE POWER OF DELAYED GRATIFICATION

Mischel’s three daughters, together with a number of their friends, were also the Marshmallow experiment subjects. Throughout the 1970s, mostly during the occasional dinner conversations, Mischel would often ask them about their friends. About how they are doing in their lives. (6)Apparently, good parents take interest in their children’s lives! So stop watching that fucking football game and ask your kid about his/her day. Yes, I know it is World Championship, but you can’t tell me Uruguay – Egipt match is more interesting than your own child! He began to notice that kids who were able to delay their gratification did very good in the academic environment.

In order to convince himself that is not just a coincidence, in 1981 he sent surveys to the teachers, parents and academic advisors of the original study subjects. He asked them to evaluate a broad variety of traits, like the ability to plan, to think ahead, to cope with the problems, etc. He even asked for their SAT scores.

Approximately one third answered the surveys. Mischel analyzed them. And the rest is history –the results he obtained were earth-shattering.  One follow-up study concluded that children who were able to wait longer are ‘more academically and socially competent, verbally fluent, rational, attentive, planful, and able to deal well with frustration and stress’.  (7)Mischel, W., Shoda, Y., & Peake, P. K. (1988). The nature of adolescent competencies predicted by preschool delay of gratification. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 54(4), 687–696 Another two stated they ‘developed into more cognitively and socially competent adolescents, achieving higher scholastic performance and coping better with frustration and stress’. (8)Mischel W, Shoda Y, Rodriguez MI. Delay of gratification in children. Science. 1989 May 26;244(4907):933-8. Review. PubMed PMID: 2658056. and Shoda, Yuichi & Mischel, Walter & K. Peake, Philip. (1990). Predicting Adolescent Cognitive and Self-Regulatory Competencies From Preschool Delay of Gratification: Identifying Diagnostic Conditions. Developmental Psychology. 26. 978-986. 10.1037/0012-1649.26.6.978.  Other psychologists also conducted similar studies and showed childhood delay of gratification ‘predicts physical health, substance dependence, personal finances and criminal offending outcomes.’  (9)Moffitt TE, Arseneault L, Belsky D, Dickson N, Hancox RJ, Harrington H, Houts R, Poulton R, Roberts BW, Ross S, Sears MR, Thomson WM, Caspi A. A gradient of childhood self-control predicts health, wealth, and public safety. Proc Natl AcadSci U S A. 2011 Feb 15;108(7):2693-8. doi: 10.1073/pnas.1010076108. Epub 2011 Jan24. PubMed PMID: 21262822; PubMed Central PMCID: PMC3041102. It is even correlated with mental health – children being able to delay the gratification suffered from fewer mental illnesses, such as depression. (10)Mischel W, Ayduk O, Berman MG, Casey BJ, Gotlib IH, Jonides J, Kross E, Teslovich T, Wilson NL, Zayas V, Shoda Y. ‘Willpower’ over the life span: decomposing self-regulation. Soc Cogn Affect Neurosci. 2011 Apr;6(2):252-6. doi : 10.1093/scan/nsq081. Epub 2010 Sep 19.

Thus, Mischel discovered that children’s ability to delay gratification is highly correlated with his/her overall well-being achieved later in life. (11)Okay, to be completely honest, this is not completely true. There is an ongoing discussion about the validity of Mischel’s studies and his conclusions as a whole. Some critics claim the sample was too small, some critics claim the environment wasn’t controlled, some critics claim the sample consisted only of rich children whose background was a greater predictor of later success than the actual delay of gratification. One study that tried to replicate Mischel’s experiment didn’t quite get the same results: Tyler W. Watts, Greg J. Duncan, and Haonan Quan, Revisiting the Marshmallow Test: A Conceptual Replication Investigating Links Between Early Delay of Gratification and Later Outcomes, Psychological Science, First Published May 25, 2018. It is above the paygrade of the author of these lines to determine who is right and who is wrong. For those of you who are interested, I have provided links to a number of articles that criticize the Marshmallow Experiment at the end of this post. For the sake of this article we have taken the stand that, even if the correlation between gratitude delay and well-being is not as high as Mischel thought, it is definitely existent. Mischel himself addressed a number of issues regarding the Marshmallow Experiment in his recent book The Marshmallow Test: Why Self-Control Is The Engine Of Success. When asked why he decided to publish the book so many years after the actual test, he said: „There have been so many misunderstandings about what the Marshmallow Test does and doesn’t do, what the lessons are to take from it, that I thought I might as well write about this rather than have arguments in the newspapers“

Now that we have established it, a natural question arises. Is there any way of becoming better at delaying our gratification? How does one do it? How does one get better at delaying his gratification?

HOW TO GET BETTER AT DELAYED GRATIFICATION

In 2013, a group of psychologists from the University of Rochester decided to repeat the Marshmallow experiment with one significant difference.  (12)Celeste Kidd, Holly Palmeri, Richard N. Aslin, Rational snacking: Young children’s decision-making on the marshmallow task is moderated by beliefs about environmental reliability, Cognition, Volume 126, Issue 1, 2013, Pages 109-114, ISSN 0010-0277

They divided the children in two groups:

  • The first group was exposed to a set of unreliable experiences. They didn’t get the promised reward after the tests and very quickly refused to trust the researcher.
  • The second group was exposed to a set of reliable experiences and found the researcher trustworthy.

As expected, the second group was able to delay its gratification for much longer. The child’s ability to delay gratification was not a predetermined trait – it was affected by the experiences and environment surrounding them. And it happened almost instantly – only one unreliable/reliable experience was enough to significantly alter the actions of a child in one direction or another.

The results of this study are consistent with other findings regarding willpower and self-control. In 1998, psychologist Roy Baumeister discovered that the more people were forced to exert willpower, the worse they were at actually doing it. He discovered that willpower is finite and can be drained. He called this phenomenon ‘ego-depletion’. (13)Baumeister, R.F., Bratslavsky, E., Muraven, M. & Tice, D.M. (1998), Ego depletion: is the active self a limited resource?, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74 (5), 1252

But the good news is – the basic level of our ability to delay our gratification can be increased. As much as the willpower can be drained, its loss can be slowed and it can be replenished.

Think of something mundane as making your bed. When you were a child, doing it was probably a drag. You weren’t able to delay the gratification of doing literally anything else, which led to a number of arguments with your parents, especially your mother. (14)Every similarity with real life persons and events is completely arbitrary However, over the years, you have probably managed to make your bed thousands (or at least hundreds) of times.

This is why willpower is often compared to a muscle. After many repetitions, making the bed isn’t such a huge problem –  it becomes a habit. It doesn’t drain your willpower any longer. Making the bad isn’t an issue of willpower. It doesn’t require a delay of gratification any longer.

And this is precisely the way of improving our ability to delay gratification. Developing habits over the extended period of time is what leads to a greater level of willpower. Developing habits is the key to self-control.

But how does one set about establishing habits? A lot has been written on the matter and it is beyond the scope of this article to dwelve into the matter too deeply. Let us describe a couple of important ingredients of habit building:

  • Start small

When starting a new habit, people get overenthusiastic and set the bar at the heights which aren’t sustainable. A person who starts going to the gym will hit the gym five times a week during the first couple of months. As a result, willpower will be drained very quickly and the person will start feeling burnt out. Sooner or later, this will lead to lack of motivation and breaking of the habit.

You wouldn’t go to a gym and try to break the world record in weight-lifting on your first day. Don’t do the same with the willpower. Remember – it is a muscle. And muscles have to been trained properly!

  • Focus on the process

We have all heard the old „It’s all about the journey, not about destination“ cliche. In the context of habit building, this cliche is very relevant. Way too often, people decide to exercise habit with a specific goal in mind, like running one marathon or losing 20 pounds. (15)See: any New Year’s Eve Resolution ever

What happens is that A) The goal is overambitious and people give up or B) The goal has been achieved, but what next? The outcome is the same – breaking of the habit.

Therefore, it is much better to focus on something process related – love for exercise, hanging out with people at the gym, becoming healthier in general, etc.

  • Forgive yourself

Very often, during the habit-building period, people are too harsh toward themselves. A person who wants to give up cigarettes and smokes one on a Saturday night might kick him/herself for giving in to the temptation. This guilt is counterproductive

Realizing that you are human permitting yourself to fuck up here and there is a much better approach.

  • Control the environment

Research about habits shows that the most effective way of developing a new habit is to focus on the routines, the triggers that lead to a certain behaviour.

For instance, it is well known that smokers often light a cigarette when drinking a coffee, during a break at work or after sex.

A person wishing to quit smoking should focus on these pre-cigarette rituals. Not having a cigarette/lighter in the vicinity during these rituals helps to eliminate the behavior associated with them.  (16)Ideally, you’d wish to stop these rituals completely, but I think you will all agree it might not be the best approach here. The key to developing habits is the control of the environment.

And in the 21st century, it is getting increasingly difficult to do so.

B-B-B-B-BUT WHAT DOES FACEBOOK HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

In 2009, Facebook introduced a revolutionary new feature – the ‘Like’ button – and screwed our generation for decades to come.

Out of nowhere our every action, our every Facebook status, our every comment became something measurable. A subject of evaluation. A subject of a judgment of other people.

And since we humans are especially sensitive when it comes to approval of others, the mechanism behind the ‘Like’ button introduced a whole set of challenges connected with the gratification of delay. We humans are wired to seek validation, and Facebook has allowed us to do so instantly, in front of a broader audience.

And the problem is that instant gratification, just like in many other areas, has grave consequences.

Allow me to share my experience. I am pretty much aware I am definitely one of the ‘victims’ of the social media. Whenever I post something, I always keep track of the number of likes on Facebook. The number of upvotes on Quora. A number of views on the Instagram story.

And although I am aware I am behaving like a total narcissist, although I know how silly it is, although I am very much ashamed whenever I refresh my social media feed to see if someone new has validated me, I can’t help it. I laugh at this habit, I mock myself, I know I am behaving stupidly and irrationally.

Yet I still do it.

However, the biggest problem is that the number of likes doesn’t actually make me happy. Waiting for likes is a lose-lose situation  – if they don’t come it is a disaster and if they come, the dopamine rush lasts very shortly. Instant gratification is actually very brief. Instant gratification is fleeting gratification.

In a way, it is like an addiction. In the book Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How To Say No To Take Control Of Your Life, the authors have written that:

 „People who overuse technology display many of the same qualities associated with alcohol and drug addiction. A person receives a psychological jolt or reward (or anxiety reduction) for repeatedly checking social media, email, texts, or whatever it is the he or she engages with digitally. When the sensation or relief has passed, the person has a need for another “hit,” and the “addictive” cycle begins.“

And although social media are the most obvious example, instant gratification is more difficult to resist in other areas of life as well. Modern times are full of challenges related to instant gratification. Many problems in life are connected with the increasing need for having everything AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

Instant gratification is degrading the overall quality of our life. Expecting instant gratification refers to long-term career growth, making relationships work and achieving goals. Expecting instant gratification initially and not getting it can make you impatient and give up on your dreams.

For instance, many people are not satisfied with their jobs not because their jobs objectively suck, but because they have unrealistic expectations. The first sign of discomfort and they try finding something new. Something better. (17)Hypocrite alert! Hypocrite alert! But I will be fair – I actually think this lack of patience is one of the reasons my quarter-life crisis is alive and kicking

It is not surprising there are so many „get-rich-quick-schemes“ nowadays. I mean, there are so many millionaires younger than 25, what are you doing with your life? A big group of people became rich only because they promise to make others rich. Who wants to, like, invest and make financial plans when you can have it all now?

It is not surprising that divorce rates are plummeting. The approach to relationships is very much based on instant gratification nowadays. Fewer people are willing to put in work, willing to compromise, willing to delay their gratification. Many people don’t focus on the long-term value of the relationship. Many people approach the relationship in a transactional way: ‘I have a need, I want it fulfilled, the other people are unable to do so at the moment, time to move on.’

This impulsiveness is how kids approach life. Which brings me to the final part of the article.

DELAYING OUR GRATIFICATION LEADS TO ADULTHOOD

When you think of it, Mischel’s work is just another example of a scientific study confirming something all of us intuitively know. We encounter the positive side-effect of gratification delay in our own lives on a daily basis. For example:

  • We would very much like to skip going to the gym today, but we delay our gratification because we know we will feel good afterward
  • We would very much like to eat a box of chocolate, but we delay our gratification because the summer is coming and we don’t have a six-pack
  • We would very much like to play computer games now instead of working on this article, but we delay our gratification because we know we often use computer games as an escape from obligations and not as a source of fun

Now, although the children in the Marshmallow experiment were able to delay their gratification, they were able to do so PRIMARILY because of external factors (they got rewarded!). We, on the other hand, are able to take the CONSEQUENCES into account and act on the basis of the EVALUATION of these consequences. Understanding that immediate pleasure has its price, being guided by a certain set of VALUES and higher-level PRINCIPLES and considering the ‘bigger picture’ while making our decisions are characteristics of true adulthood.

And it has nothing to do with the actual age of the person.

For instance, just the other day a guy in Zadar beat his ex-girlfriend because she ‘behaved conspicuously’. He was unable to control his impulses, unable to delay the gratification of pleasure that beating other people gives him. He is definitely not an adult. (18)Source: https://www.jutarnji.hr/vijesti/crna-kronika/tko-je-nasilnik-koji-je-prebio-djevojku-u-zadarskom-kaficu-darka-kovacevica-u-zadru-znaju-skoro-svi-ali-nitko-o-njemu-nema-niti-jednu-lijepu-rijec/7500885/

Similarly, a person with a drinking problem who can’t delay his gratification and decides to grab the bottle is definitely not an adult.

A person with strong sexual urge who can’t delay his/her gratification and thinks the best way of fulfilling his/her sexual desires is molesting others in real life, or even online, is definitely not adult.

Thus, delaying gratification is one of the most notable stages between maturity and immaturity. Between being a dysfunctional, impulsive prick and being a healthy person. Between being a child and being a true adult.

I think this is incredibly important. Therefore, allow me to repeat this definition once again, loudly and clearly, with a bolded and caps-locked sentence in the middle of the screen:

MATURITY IS LEARNING TO DELAY YOUR GRATIFICATION, TO EXERCISE THE RIGHT CHOICE DUE TO A SET OF HIGHER-LEVEL PRINCIPLES AND ABSTRACT VALUES

(19)Naturally, this is a vast simplification. Please bear in mind most of the things I write on this blog are simplified models of incredibly complex phenomena. It is impossible to accurately define adulthood in a single sentence. Developmental psychologists like Jean Piaget, Lawrence Kohlberg and Robert Kegan have dedicated their lives to this subject. If you are interested in a simplified wrap-up of their theories, I can’t recommend Mark Manson’s article –  How To Grow The Fuck Up: A Guide To Humans highly enough. It may be the very best he has ever written

REFERENCES AND FURTHER READING

GRATIFICATION, SELF-CONTROL, MARSHMALLOW EXPERIMENT

Walter Mischel – The Marshmallow Test: Why Self-Control Is The Engine Of Success

Thoughtcatalog: The Problem With Instant Gratification

James Clear: Delayed Gratification

whatispsychology: Deferred Gratification Stanford Marshmallow Experiment

NewYorker: Don’t

Psychologytoday: 10 Reasons We Rush Immediate Gratification

Mark Manson: Habits

INSTANT GRATIFICATION AND SOCIAL MEDIA

Elitedaily: Instant Gratification

Magazine.nd.edu: Gotta Have It Right Now

Theisthmus: Instant Gratification And The Snapchat Generation

Huffingtonpost: The Era Of Instant Gratification

 CRITICISM OF THE MARSHMALLOW STUDY

thedailybeast: Just Let Them Eat The Marshmallow

Vox: Marshmallow Test Replication Mischel Psychology

nytimes: We Didn’t Eat The Marshmallow The Marshmallow Ate Us

Slate: The Marshmallow Study Revisited

The Atlantic: Why Rich Kids Are So Good At Marshmallow Test

Footnotes

Footnotes
1 Cynics would say one doesn’t necessarily exclude the another, but as you all know, this blog is a cynicism-free zone!
2 As we will see later in the article, that is not quite true
3 Source: https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/09/what-the-marshmallow-test-really-teaches-about-self-control/380673/
4 For instance, see: Mischel, W., & Ebbesen, E. B. (1970). Attention in delay of gratification. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 16(2), 329-337 and Mischel, W., Ebbesen, E. B., & Raskoff Zeiss, A. (1972). Cognitive and attentional mechanisms in delay of gratification. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 21(2), 204-218
5 Is it just me, or you have heard this joke before. I mean, „joke“
6 Apparently, good parents take interest in their children’s lives! So stop watching that fucking football game and ask your kid about his/her day. Yes, I know it is World Championship, but you can’t tell me Uruguay – Egipt match is more interesting than your own child!
7 Mischel, W., Shoda, Y., & Peake, P. K. (1988). The nature of adolescent competencies predicted by preschool delay of gratification. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 54(4), 687–696
8 Mischel W, Shoda Y, Rodriguez MI. Delay of gratification in children. Science. 1989 May 26;244(4907):933-8. Review. PubMed PMID: 2658056. and Shoda, Yuichi & Mischel, Walter & K. Peake, Philip. (1990). Predicting Adolescent Cognitive and Self-Regulatory Competencies From Preschool Delay of Gratification: Identifying Diagnostic Conditions. Developmental Psychology. 26. 978-986. 10.1037/0012-1649.26.6.978.
9 Moffitt TE, Arseneault L, Belsky D, Dickson N, Hancox RJ, Harrington H, Houts R, Poulton R, Roberts BW, Ross S, Sears MR, Thomson WM, Caspi A. A gradient of childhood self-control predicts health, wealth, and public safety. Proc Natl AcadSci U S A. 2011 Feb 15;108(7):2693-8. doi: 10.1073/pnas.1010076108. Epub 2011 Jan24. PubMed PMID: 21262822; PubMed Central PMCID: PMC3041102.
10 Mischel W, Ayduk O, Berman MG, Casey BJ, Gotlib IH, Jonides J, Kross E, Teslovich T, Wilson NL, Zayas V, Shoda Y. ‘Willpower’ over the life span: decomposing self-regulation. Soc Cogn Affect Neurosci. 2011 Apr;6(2):252-6. doi : 10.1093/scan/nsq081. Epub 2010 Sep 19.
11 Okay, to be completely honest, this is not completely true. There is an ongoing discussion about the validity of Mischel’s studies and his conclusions as a whole. Some critics claim the sample was too small, some critics claim the environment wasn’t controlled, some critics claim the sample consisted only of rich children whose background was a greater predictor of later success than the actual delay of gratification. One study that tried to replicate Mischel’s experiment didn’t quite get the same results: Tyler W. Watts, Greg J. Duncan, and Haonan Quan, Revisiting the Marshmallow Test: A Conceptual Replication Investigating Links Between Early Delay of Gratification and Later Outcomes, Psychological Science, First Published May 25, 2018. It is above the paygrade of the author of these lines to determine who is right and who is wrong. For those of you who are interested, I have provided links to a number of articles that criticize the Marshmallow Experiment at the end of this post. For the sake of this article we have taken the stand that, even if the correlation between gratitude delay and well-being is not as high as Mischel thought, it is definitely existent. Mischel himself addressed a number of issues regarding the Marshmallow Experiment in his recent book The Marshmallow Test: Why Self-Control Is The Engine Of Success. When asked why he decided to publish the book so many years after the actual test, he said: „There have been so many misunderstandings about what the Marshmallow Test does and doesn’t do, what the lessons are to take from it, that I thought I might as well write about this rather than have arguments in the newspapers“
12 Celeste Kidd, Holly Palmeri, Richard N. Aslin, Rational snacking: Young children’s decision-making on the marshmallow task is moderated by beliefs about environmental reliability, Cognition, Volume 126, Issue 1, 2013, Pages 109-114, ISSN 0010-0277
13 Baumeister, R.F., Bratslavsky, E., Muraven, M. & Tice, D.M. (1998), Ego depletion: is the active self a limited resource?, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74 (5), 1252
14 Every similarity with real life persons and events is completely arbitrary
15 See: any New Year’s Eve Resolution ever
16 Ideally, you’d wish to stop these rituals completely, but I think you will all agree it might not be the best approach here
17 Hypocrite alert! Hypocrite alert! But I will be fair – I actually think this lack of patience is one of the reasons my quarter-life crisis is alive and kicking
18 Source: https://www.jutarnji.hr/vijesti/crna-kronika/tko-je-nasilnik-koji-je-prebio-djevojku-u-zadarskom-kaficu-darka-kovacevica-u-zadru-znaju-skoro-svi-ali-nitko-o-njemu-nema-niti-jednu-lijepu-rijec/7500885/
19 Naturally, this is a vast simplification. Please bear in mind most of the things I write on this blog are simplified models of incredibly complex phenomena. It is impossible to accurately define adulthood in a single sentence. Developmental psychologists like Jean Piaget, Lawrence Kohlberg and Robert Kegan have dedicated their lives to this subject. If you are interested in a simplified wrap-up of their theories, I can’t recommend Mark Manson’s article –  How To Grow The Fuck Up: A Guide To Humans highly enough. It may be the very best he has ever written

You Don’t Really Know What Happiness Is

Billie Bob Harrell Jr. had been struggling with his life for quite some time.

For almost two decades, he had had trouble providing for his wife and his three children. Unable to find a stable and well-payed job, they kept moving from house to house, from country to country, desperately chasing the American Dream, desperately searching for safety and stability.

The crisis reached its peak at the beginning of the 1990s. After a successful decade at Gulf Printing inc., during which he worked his way up to shop manager, the company suddenly shut down at the beginning of the 1990s. Billie was forced to take a low-payed job at The Home Depot. The economic situation even forced his wife, Barbara Jean, into the workforce, which further aggravated Billie’s feeling of worth.

Since he had always been a very religious man (1)He met his wife during a Christmas party in church back in 1972. Source – houstonpress.com: Billie Bob’s (Mis) Fortune, he was desperately hoping for deus ex machina in form of a winning lottery ticket. According to his son Billie Bob III:

„He thought about it all the time. More than anything else, he fantasized about quitting his job.“

And amazingly enough, the God Allmighty decided to listen to his prayers (2)I know this might ENRAGE religious readers, but I was under the impression that the Big Bearded Guy doesn’t always do so On June 28, 1997, a regular dance of the Lotto balls in front of the television cameras produced the numbers 3, 11, 16, 28, 40, 44. The same numbers Harrell circled on his lottery ticket earlier that day.

Although it took him a whole day to actually realize it, Harrell eventually found out he has won a 31 million jackpot. He immediately started solving his problems and fulfilling his dreams. He bought a wonderful ranch for his family to move to. He immediately took them to vacation to Hawaii. He was finally able to give back to the community – he bought cars and houses to his friends and his family. He gave 10% of his initial 1.2 million check to Calvary Tabernacle Pentecostal, the church in Trinity. For Christmas, he even purchased 480 turkeys for needy families. In an initial couple of months, it seemed like everything was falling into place.

Except that it wasn’t!

The life of the Harrell family altered beyond recognition. The number of people explaining their dire situations and seeking Billie’s paycheck was increasing on a daily basis. People pestered the family so often, they virtually became prisoners of their own home. Various hedge funds and financial companies gathered like vultures and relentlessly tried to get Billie to sell his future lottery installments for a lump sum of money. Although these deals were highly unfavorable for Harrells, Billie eventually gave in and signed on with the Stone Street Company for a quick stream of cash. (3)Really surprising when you consider the nature and the ethics of financial companies

These drastic changes further aggravated already existing tensions between Billie and Barbara. The final nail in their marriage’s coffin came in the form of a young pharmacist who worked in a drug store where Billie got his blood pressure medicine. Very soon after the start of this affair, just a couple of months after the lottery win, Barbara filed for divorce.

The end of the marriage had a devastating effect on Billie’s mental state. He became moody and outright depressed. He desperately tried to reconcile with his ex-wife, but Barbara would have none of that. Finally, on May 22, 1998, less than a year after the life-changing event that made him rich, Billie borrowed the keys from his daughter, entered Barbara’s house and pulled the trigger on his Winchester 37 shotgun.

As it transpired later, shortly before his suicide, he told his financial adviser that:

„Winning the lottery is the worst thing that ever happened to me.“


Now, Billie Bob Harrell Jr. is definitely not the only lottery winner whose life ended tragically. But it is no less shocking nevertheless. How is this huge discrepancy between his expectations beforehand and the sad reality afterward possible? How is it possible something he thought would make him incredibly happy ultimately made him deeply unhappy? Hell, how is it possible something EVERYONE thought would make him incredibly happy ultimately made him deeply unhappy? Well, there is only one explanation.

We don’t really know what happiness is.

MYTHS ABOUT HAPPINESS

Human happiness is one of the most researched topics in the history. Philosophers have been trying to figure out the answer to the question regarding what makes people happy for the last 2000 years or so. (4)Which is, needless to say, a heck of a long time. So don’t get overly upset if you don’t get it on your first try Throughout the last century, scientists have decided to join their ranks and produced a number of scientific articles on the theme of happiness.  (5)A number of them decided to dedicate their entire career to the scientific study of happiness. You might remember Ruut van Veenhoven from a previous article, for instance

Yet, despite everything we have learned, despite everything we know, it turns out that, just as Jon Snow, we still know nothing. Scientific studies have shown that we humans are terrible judges of what makes us happy. (6)Wilson, T. D., & Gilbert, D. T. (2005). Affective forecasting knowing what to want. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 14(3), 131–134 It is hard to pinpoint a single factor that causes this error in judgment. However, part of the problem definitely lies in the common definition of happiness.

The common definition which propagates a number of happiness myths from one generation to another.

  • Myth number 1 – We excel at predicting what will make us happy

Although the lottery winners are the most drastic example, and the money is only one variable in the happiness equation, to an extent, we repeat Billie’s mistakes on a daily basis.

The mistakes and the reasons behind them are the central concepts of a fantastic book Stumbling Onto Happiness, written by bestseller author and psychologist Dan Gilbert. (7)One of the authors of the aforementioned study and another scientist who devoted his life to the scientific study of happiness

One of the most remarkable examples of the entire book is a study Gilbert conducted together with T.D. Wilson and J.Meyers in 2003. (8)Wilson, T. D., Meyers, J., & Gilbert, D. T. (2003). “How happy was I, anyway?” A retrospective impact bias. Social Cognition, 21(6), 421–446 Before the 2000 presidential election, the psychologists asked the supporters of the two candidates (Bush and Gore) to predict how happy/unhappy they expect to be if their candidate won/lost.

Then, a month after the election, they asked the same people how happy/unhappy they feel about the outcome. Bush supporters reported feeling less happy then they expected, whereas Gore supporters reported feeling less unhappy then they expected.

But the real shocker and the key point of the study was discovered five months after the election. The psychologists asked the supporters how happy/unhappy they remember being. Bush supporters remembered they were happier a month after the election than they actually were, whereas Gore supporters remember being unhappier than they actually were.

Gilbert uses a number of similar examples to emphasize how much we humans suck when trying to predict things that make us happy, or how much certain things make us happy. (9)For a general impression about Gilbert’s work and philosophy, you might want to watch his extremely popular TedTalk. For more information about Stumbling Onto Happiness, you might consider the review of the book on the website metapsychology, or the one on the website enotes In the book, Gilbert describes four main errors in judgment we most often commit while trying to measure/predict happiness:

  • Subjectivity

Using the example of Lori and Reba, conjoined twins who refused a splitting operation, Gilbert explains how the perception of the happiness is highly subjective and why the immortal „The Children in India can’t be happy because they don’t know better“ is invalid precisely because of the children’s ignorance:

What we can say is that all claims of happiness are claims from someone’s point of view – from the perspective of a single human being whose unique collection of past experiences serves as a context, a lens, a background for her evaluation of her current experience.“

  • Realism

One of the central arguments of Gilbert’s book is that our imagination can’t be trusted. In the chapter about realism, he describes how, when imagining future, we fill in the blanks and unknowns with details we think to be accurate. Details constructed despite the serious lack of data. Details that often turn out to be wrong.

For instance, when imagining his future, Billie Bob Harrell imagined only the good sides, like being rich and being able to help others. His imagination either failed to consider or decided to misinterpret the downsides of being a lottery winner, which ultimately led to his doom.

  • Presentism

Another drawback of our imagination is presentism – the tendency to remember the past or predict the future on the basis of the present. Billie Bob Harrell’s main concern in the 1990s were monetary issues. It is not surprising he thought everything would be solved if he were only able to lay his hands on a certain amount of cash.

Presentism is quite easy to detect in our own lives as well. For instance, if you have had a terrible day at the office during which your boss yelled at you and your friends invite you to the cinema, chances are you will not quite be in the mood for the movie. (10)Every similarity with real-life persons and events is completely accidental Naturally, your prediction of the future will be greatly affected by your present mood and it will have nothing to do with the movie itself.  (11)Unless that movie is the new Spiderman in which Peter Parker is 15 years old… Seriously, Marvel, what the fuck?

  • Rationalization

Finally, if we are bad at predicting the actual course of future events, we are even worse at predicting our feelings regarding these events. We think bad events will make us feel worse than they actually do. We fail to consider our tendency to adapt to the new circumstances.

On the other hand, we also think good events will make us feel much better than they actually do.  In the process, we overestimate the importance of our goals, our dreams and of the future events we anticipate will make us happy. Way too often we focus on accomplishing those goals and dreams. Which brings us to another common misconception about happiness.

  • Myth number 2 – The Paradox of Happiness

In the era of capitalism and materialism, many people think happiness is something one should strive to achieve. The perception that happiness is attainable is ingrained deeply in our culture, in our belief system. The American Dream promotes the algorithmic approach to achieving happiness. Accomplish goal X – become happy. Start your own business – be happy. Become a millionaire – be happy.

Take of the modern marketing methods as an example. The idea that happiness can be achieved is the basis for the majority of ads nowadays. Buy X and be happy. Learn Y and be happy. Get Snickers and beee haaaaapy.  (12)Mark Manson actually described this phenomenon excellently in his e-book about happiness and in the post How Your Insecurity Is Bought And Sold.  Btw, you didn’t really think I could write an article without mentioning my favourite blogger, did you? #Marknation

Now, it would be false to claim that pursuit of the happiness doesn’t bring any results whatsoever. For instance, during my education, I never learned for the sake of learning – getting a grade was the whole point.  I would lie if I claimed I didn’t feel happy whenever I scored an A on an exam. The problem was this happiness was usually very temporary and followed by an even longer period of even greater unhappiness.

And it would appear this psychological process isn’t restricted solely to the academic world. In his fantastic book High Price Of Materialism, psychologist Tim Kasser has written the following:

“When materialistic individuals are successful at meeting their goals (they get an A, they make a million dollars, etc.), they experience positive feelings about themselves and their accomplishments. Such positive feelings tend to be short-lived, however, and the sense of worth is fairly unstable, as new challenges and threats quickly arise that can easily deflate their self-esteem.[…] These results suggest that in their day-to-day experience, people with strong materialistic values focus on rewards rather than fun, interest, and challenge. This is notable in their work, relationships, and leisure activities. Such an attitude sabotages feelings of flow and intrinsic motivation, as people have fewer experiences conducive to the free expression of their own interests and thus less fulfillment of their needs for autonomy and authenticity.”.

The psychology professor at the University of Kansas, Ben Eggleston, has written something similar.   In one of his publications, he coined the term paradox of happiness and described it as:

„ […] the puzzling but apparently inescapable fact that regarding happiness as the sole ultimately valuable end or objective, and acting accordingly, often results in less happiness than results from regarding other goods as ultimately valuable (and acting accordingly)“

Finally, Viktor E. Frankl, a man who survived Auschwitz, had something to say about this topic as well. In his classic book, Man’s Search For Meaning: The classic tribute to hope from the Holocaust:

“But happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue. One must have a reason to “be happy.” Once the reason is found, however, one becomes happy automatically. As we see, a human being is not one in pursuit of happiness but rather in search of a reason to become happy[…]”

It would appear Frankl himself did find reasons to “be happy”. However, his path toward them was extremely difficult and definitely not easy. Which brings us to the following myth.

  • MYTH NUMBER 3: HAPPINESS SHOULD BE EASY

In a study conducted by S. Parker and T. Roberts, (13)Parker Schiffer, L & Roberts, Tomi-Ann. (2017). The paradox of happiness: Why are we not doing what we know makes us happy?. The Journal of Positive Psychology. 13. 1-8. 10.1080/17439760.2017.1279209 participants were asked to rate activities in three main categories: How enjoyable an activity is, How much effort does it take to initiate the activity and how often do they engage in these activities. A half of activities were considered as „active“ (e.g. cooking, journaling, exercise), while the other half was considered as „passive“ (e.g. checking social media, watching TV, surfing the Internet).

Although the participants were aware that „active“ activities supported long-term happiness better than „passive“ ones. However, the majority of participants reported indulging in passive activities way more often. Apparently, the effort required to initiate the activity proved to be an insurmountable obstacle. (14)This might seem contradictory with an earlier claim that we can’t really predict what makes us happy. However, Gilbert’s research revolved more about events and less about our habits and activities. Besides, predicting whether playing video games or exercising will make us happier is not a difficult task.

As the authors of the study explained:

„Csikszentmihalyi has argued that passive leisure can be pleasing and healthy when people use it as a restorative homeostatic activity; using it strategically in order to refuel and recalibrate to then return refreshed to flow activities. However, when people engage in passive leisure exclusively, thinking that ‘relaxing’ is the key to happiness, they run the risk of becoming complacent. Stagnation and complacency are characterized by shying away from complexities and adversity; people become overly secure in routine, and assume success in all facets of life. In other words, passive leisure can provide pleasure to help maintain the body and give us a sense of feeling relaxed and restored, but alone it cannot facilitate growth or lasting happiness“

The results of the study scientifically prove something everyone knows on the subconscious level. As the old adage says: No pain, no gain. Running a marathon makes us happier than obliterating a Big Mac Menu. Yet, most of us prefer to visit the local McDonalds instead of the athletic track on a regular basis. (15)Naturally, I have deliberately chosen two extremes to make a point here. The difference in effort between activities is usually not so pronounced

Apart from the fact we are all lazy motherfuckers, (16)Okay, I admit, this guy called Elon might be an exception another reason why people often choose the easy path is tightly connected with pleasure. More often than not, pleasure is not really difficult to achieve. And waaaaay too many people believe pleasure is the factor X that is going to make them happy.

Which leads us to the final myth about happiness.

  • Myth Number 4: PLEASURE LEADS TO HAPPINESS

If you ask an average person how he defines happiness, there are big chances he will answer with the something from the domain of pleasure. Bigger house, more money, new car, traveling around the world, more sex, more money, more likes on the Facebook page, more Instagram followers, Pina Colada per day, oh and have I mentioned more money?

Although seeking a little more pleasure seems harmless, excessive pursuit of pleasure might lead to a disaster. Almost every sort of addiction happens because a person can’t control his or her need for an additional pleasure. Also, as I have elaborated earlier, I think a great deal of Croatia’s problems is caused exactly due to the value system that puts pleasure on the pedestal.

Now, please, don’t get me wrong. Little pleasure is great. Little pleasure is enjoyable. Little pleasure is necessary. But as the aforementioned study pointed out, as a number of studies mentioned in Tim Kasser’s High Price of the Materialism have pointed out, as a number of articles all over the Internet repeatedly point out (17)Just google „Happiness is not pleasure”, pleasure is not the same as happiness.

Pleasure is only a small part of it. Which brings me to what actually happiness is.

SO, WHAT DOES MAKE US HAPPY?

Before I get to THE actual definition of the happiness, I would like to mention another one of Gilbert’s discoveries I haven’t mentioned so far. You see, Gilbert’s research demonstrated that after a major life event, your happiness returns to a certain level, the very same level before the event actually happened. No matter whether your spouse dies, your favorite football team wins the Champion League or you lose your job, at a distant point in the future you will feel the very same amount of happiness – your baseline value will NOT be affected. Dilbert called this resilience to either good or bad events psychological immune system.

And I know you must be thinking, what does all that mean, Vjeko? Is this some sort of nihilistic hullabaloo? Do you want to say there is no point in experiencing anything? That major life events bear no significance? That there is no real way of becoming a happier person?

Well, not really. Although studies (18)Lu, L. (1999). Personal or environmental causes of happiness: A longitudinal analysis. The Journal of Social Psychology, 139(1), 79–90 have shown that external occurrences have zero effect on baseline happiness, they have also demonstrated baseline happiness varies from individual to individual. (19)So fuck off and attend your wife’s mother birthday you have been avoiding, you inconsiderate prick! As Mark Manson explained:

“Not only does everyone have a different baseline level of happiness, but people are also able to slowly inch their baseline happiness up or down over time depending on how they live their lives.

That is the ticket to happiness — not a new car, not a fancier job, not a more attractive partner — but a permanent shift in the baseline happiness you continually return to despite whatever external factors occur in your life.”

With that in mind, let us finally get to the long-awaited definition of happiness. Ever since I started reading self-help and psychology literature, I’ve read a dozen of different definitions of happiness. Just on this blog, I have mentioned that the happiness equals solving problems and that the happiness is the process of becoming an ideal self. Listing all the other definitions of happiness I have stumbled upon over the years would be A) really an arduous task and B) completely incomprehensible.

However, one particular definition I first read in Eric Barker’s Barking Up The Wrong Tree and which originally appeared in the book Just Enough written by Laura Nash and Howard Stevenson, stood head and shoulders above the other. They divided happiness into four categories: (20)To be completely honest, the authors’ originally defined success in this manner. However, I think this division was an excellent definition of happiness instead. I have taken some liberty and slightly altered their definition to fit the purposes of this article. I know, I know. Sue me!

  • Pleasure – Having feelings of pleasure and contentment in your life OR enjoying yourself
  • Achievement – Achieving accomplishments that compare favorably against similar goals others have strived for OR winning
  • Significance – Having a positive impact on people you care about OR counting (to others)
  • Legacy – Establishing your values or accomplishments  OR extending

The main reason why I have become an advocate of the definition above is its balance. Using these values to measure our life essentially covers every possible area of human life and every possible aspect of happiness often mentioned in other definitions. I especially like the fact significance and legacy are included. They are often overlooked by a number of authors, yet those who DO mention them always emphasize their importance. (21)For instance, Mark Manson recommends us to Cultivate a perspective beyond ourselves as a way of increasing our baseline happiness. Something similar is the central theme of the book Denial of Death by Ernst Becker, in which the author claims the goal of our actions is to establish a legacy as a way of transcending death

However, despite its universality, this system doesn’t throw some general terms, like meaning in front of our feet. It is very easy to measure how well you are doing in each of the four categories. If you are lacking in a certain area, it is easy to identify it and to try to improve it, which ultimately leads to an increase in your baseline happiness level.

I can definitely say this system helped me a lot in my battle against the quarter-life crisis. Some year and a half ago, when I was just starting my chess blog, I worked night and day, and completely disregarded my friends and.. myself. Everything revolved mainly around achievement and partly around legacy,  but the pleasure, and especially, significance parts, were completely missing. I didn’t go out much, I didn’t watch the television, I avoided hanging out with people under the I-have-much-to-do pretense. As a result, my baseline happiness was extremely low for an extended period of time.

After a while, I realized I need to change something in my approach to life. First of all, I permitted myself to relax more often and to stop kicking myself in the butt if new blog posts don’t appear on the daily basis. I have tried focusing more on people around me and, although there is still a long way to go, I feel much more content in the significance category. I also decided to open popsychle and realized it was a major step forward in the legacy category in contrast to the existing chess blog. Finally, although it is yet unknown how much these blogs are going to achieve one day, the very fact I am working on them makes me feel like a winner.

In any case, there is no denying that my baseline level of happiness is significantly higher than it used to be one year ago. (22)Naturally, there is a number of other factors that contributed to this that weren’t quite mentioned here. For instance, factors like therapy or learning how to apply boundaries, that probably deserve a separate article

Now, if you will excuse me, I have an article I predict will make me extremely happy to post.

REFERENCES AND FURTHER READING

Daniel Gilbert: Stumbling Onto Happiness

Mark Manson: Happiness Is Not Enough

Jennifer Hecht: The Happiness Myth

Psychology Today: 7 Myths About Happiness We Need To Stop Believing

Mark Manson: Guide To Happiness

M.L. Kirngelbach, K.C. Berridge, The Neuroscience of Happiness and Pleasure, Soc Res (New York), 2010 Summer, 77(2):659-678

Mark Manson: Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Fuck

Tim Kasser: The High Price Of Materialism

Eric Barker: Barking Up The Wrong Tree

Footnotes

Footnotes
1 He met his wife during a Christmas party in church back in 1972. Source – houstonpress.com: Billie Bob’s (Mis) Fortune
2 I know this might ENRAGE religious readers, but I was under the impression that the Big Bearded Guy doesn’t always do so
3 Really surprising when you consider the nature and the ethics of financial companies
4 Which is, needless to say, a heck of a long time. So don’t get overly upset if you don’t get it on your first try
5 A number of them decided to dedicate their entire career to the scientific study of happiness. You might remember Ruut van Veenhoven from a previous article, for instance
6 Wilson, T. D., & Gilbert, D. T. (2005). Affective forecasting knowing what to want. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 14(3), 131–134
7 One of the authors of the aforementioned study and another scientist who devoted his life to the scientific study of happiness
8 Wilson, T. D., Meyers, J., & Gilbert, D. T. (2003). “How happy was I, anyway?” A retrospective impact bias. Social Cognition, 21(6), 421–446
9 For a general impression about Gilbert’s work and philosophy, you might want to watch his extremely popular TedTalk. For more information about Stumbling Onto Happiness, you might consider the review of the book on the website metapsychology, or the one on the website enotes
10 Every similarity with real-life persons and events is completely accidental
11 Unless that movie is the new Spiderman in which Peter Parker is 15 years old… Seriously, Marvel, what the fuck?
12 Mark Manson actually described this phenomenon excellently in his e-book about happiness and in the post How Your Insecurity Is Bought And Sold.  Btw, you didn’t really think I could write an article without mentioning my favourite blogger, did you? #Marknation
13 Parker Schiffer, L & Roberts, Tomi-Ann. (2017). The paradox of happiness: Why are we not doing what we know makes us happy?. The Journal of Positive Psychology. 13. 1-8. 10.1080/17439760.2017.1279209
14 This might seem contradictory with an earlier claim that we can’t really predict what makes us happy. However, Gilbert’s research revolved more about events and less about our habits and activities. Besides, predicting whether playing video games or exercising will make us happier is not a difficult task.
15 Naturally, I have deliberately chosen two extremes to make a point here. The difference in effort between activities is usually not so pronounced
16 Okay, I admit, this guy called Elon might be an exception
17 Just google „Happiness is not pleasure”
18 Lu, L. (1999). Personal or environmental causes of happiness: A longitudinal analysis. The Journal of Social Psychology, 139(1), 79–90
19 So fuck off and attend your wife’s mother birthday you have been avoiding, you inconsiderate prick!
20 To be completely honest, the authors’ originally defined success in this manner. However, I think this division was an excellent definition of happiness instead. I have taken some liberty and slightly altered their definition to fit the purposes of this article. I know, I know. Sue me!
21 For instance, Mark Manson recommends us to Cultivate a perspective beyond ourselves as a way of increasing our baseline happiness. Something similar is the central theme of the book Denial of Death by Ernst Becker, in which the author claims the goal of our actions is to establish a legacy as a way of transcending death
22 Naturally, there is a number of other factors that contributed to this that weren’t quite mentioned here. For instance, factors like therapy or learning how to apply boundaries, that probably deserve a separate article

Just Shut Up And Listen

The evening was not going according to the plan.

After approximately 10 rounds of a „friendly“ Cards against humanity game, I was very much lagging behind. As the next black card with the words: „What will always get you laid?“ appeared, I decided it was time for desperate measures.

I looked at the best card in my entire hand I have been holding for quite some time now. After a couple of rounds, this was the moment to finally use it. With the best poker face I could muster, I put it among seven other white cards selected by other participants. The Black Card Holder took them all, shuffled them and started turning them around, one by one.

After what it seemed like an eternity to me, he finally reached my brilliance. With a smirk on his face, he read its content in a highly dramatic tone:

Active listening

Read more

How To Battle Depression

Depression, and mental illnesses, in general, have become a major problem in today’s society.

Depression is an extremely complex illness. Its exact causes are not yet known, but there is a number of factors that might contribute to its development. For instance, one article mentions abuse, trauma, genetics, major life events (even good ones), personal problems, serious illness and substance abuse as the possible causes. This complexity is one of its main problems – when people don’t understand something, they often tend to ignore or neglect it.

Yet, according to the WHO (World Health Organization), depression will become the second biggest health issue by the end of 2020. It is estimated that 300 million people all around the globe suffer from some sort of depression. (1)Source: http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs369/en/ In the United States of America, major depressive disorders affect approximately 14,8 million adults older than 18 – which is almost 7 % of the population. (2)Source: https://www.healthyplace.com/depression/depression-information/depression-facts-depression-statistics/

And although the rest of the world likes to look at the USA with condescendence, depression is not something unique correlated with living on the American soil. For instance, according to the Varaždin Public Health Institute, 19% of women and 10% of men in Croatia suffer from depression. (3)According to this article: http://www.varazdinske-vijesti.hr/aktualno/uoci-svjetskog-dana-zdravlja-depresija-je-sve-ucestalija-i-treba-ju-destigmatizirati-15194/

According to the statistics, the number of people suffering from depression is increasing on a daily basis. The good question arises – why is that so? Why is this number so much greater than some 50-70 years ago?

Naturally, there is a number of factors causing this phenomenon. Let me mention a couple of sociological ones I have considered particularly interesting or relevant:

  • Cultural influence

Quite simply, considering that even today ‘coming out of the closet’ is extremely stigmatized, you can imagine how it looked in the past. Some 50-70 years ago, people simply didn’t talk about the depression. People didn’t want to admit to themselves they had a depression. People weren’t able to find professional help so easily – the whole field of psychology is relatively young, to say nothing of psychotherapy.

  • Fast paced world and chasing poorly defined success

I have already written extensively about how the world around us affects us and how badly success is measured in our society. Psychologist Tim Kasser, author of the book The High Price of Materialism and one of the co-authors of the celebrated book Psychology and Consumer Culture has shown that chasing goals such as money, fame and image are correlated with anxiety and depression.

  • Disconnection from the people around you

Let’s be frank – due to technological advances, we spend more and more time bleeding our eyes to death in front of our screens instead of spending time with people. Our communities and ties are weaker, our friendships are fading with years and more and more people feel lost and alone. Even when we do spend time with people, there is this thing in our pocket constantly bugging us, reminding us to watch the latest funny video or to check the latest snapchat story to see who our crush is ‘spending time’ with. (4)Actually, one article blames smartphones as one of the main causes for the increasingly depressed number of teens. Check these two pscyhologytoday articles for more details: Why so many todays teens are depressed and Why so many people are stressed and depressed

Oh, look, they are hanging out…

Now, why am I writing all this? Because only a couple of months after starting popsychle.com, Antonio, a friend of mine, asked me if I accept guest posts.  Considering he was the first person to ask me that question, I was slightly taken aback. But I was happy to know I motivated someone to write about something that is important to him, so why not, I thought.

Antonio then proceeded to tell me he wants to write an article about depression and whether I think it would be suitable for popsychle. Considering making people who read this blog feel miserable is one of its main aims, I told him it is a perfect match. Since I knew he volunteers a lot, I thought he has met a number of depressive persons and that he wants to offer his two percents on this subject.

What followed shocked me, to be honest – Antonio wanted to write an article about his own battle with depression. The worst point was – I had no idea. Although I haven’t known him for all that long, I would have thought he was the last person on the planet to experience this problem. It really struck me how easy it is to get fooled, how little real attention we pay to other people.

It also made me realize how brave Antonio’s request actually is. How difficult it is to write openly about such a problem – there is so much stigma and shame revolving depression and mental health in general, that it is always considered as ‘weird’ to even talk about it. But it also made me all fuzzy and warm on the inside – my writing has inspired someone on such a tremendous act.

Thus, after lengthy editing process and a number of back and forth iterations between Antonio and me, this article finally saw the light of the day. I can say I am quite proud of the final result. I don’t think the article is necessarily earth-shattering. But it does offer a unique perspective in the mind of a depressed person. Hopefully, people who suffer from something similar will be able to relate to it and ease their situation by realizing they are not alone out there in this cruel world.

So without further ado, I give it to Antonio.


My name is Antonio and I am depressed.

To begin with, I want to address the question that many people often ask: Is depression a real thing? Isn’t it all just in your head? I want to say it once and for all: a) NO, IT’S NOT! and b) FUCK YOU!. Depression is not all in our head. Depression is a real thing, a serious concern in today’s society. It is a crippling illness that gets a person to the state that he/she feels unloved and alone.

Yet, despite the scientifical evidence, despite the statistics, many people still believe that depression is something you consciously decide you have. That being depressed is a matter of choice. More importantly, few people think depression is something serious. Most elderly people often think it is some adolescent invention.  That it all comes down to looking out the window and listening to sad music.

What, feeling a little down, are we? Cheer the fuck up, you wuss!

It’s a very dangerous misconception. You don’t choose to be depressed, depression chooses you! Trust me, if I could choose, I would definitely choose not to have anything to do with it. Like, ever.

Alas, fate decreed otherwise.

You see, when I was 19, I have been officially diagnosed as depressed. To be honest, I can’t really pinpoint the exact moment when I realized I have it. I started feeling the symptoms when I was 16. I don’t know why I suffer from it, either. Depression in my life just appeared one day and started snowballing ever since. And this snowballing, this gradualness is one of the main problems. It’s not like you wake up one day and say: Oh fuck it, I feel very down today.

Nothing of a sort.

Depression is coming for you quietly. You start to struggle with small things, like going for a walk, but you ignore this alarm, by saying to yourself: „Oh, I am just tired, that is all.“. You give an explanation for this behaviour, you say to yourself: It’s just a temporary thing.  I will be back to the normal state in no time. It was only a bad day. Alas, little by little, day by day, the depression gets stronger and the hole you find yourself in starts getting bigger and bigger.

You stay in this state for a longer time. You accept that as a normal fact and put the mask on yourself. The mask that says to other people „I am fine, I am happy.“. You continue to live with other people with that mask on because that is what you have to do. After all, humans are social creatures. This mask works for some time, but every day it gets harder.

If you are lucky.

You feel like you will never be happy. The terms „satisfaction“ and „happiness“ seem like an unknown thing. The things that brought you happiness and joy in the past, suddenly become worthless. Even the most trivial and elementary duties and tasks become very painful and difficult. You start to feel heaviness all over your body. Every step you make seems like the most difficult task ever. You start to blame yourself and feel ashamed for everything that you have done and everything you haven’t done.

That is the moment when you lose your motivation. You ask yourself: Why would I try to do something properly if it won’t make me happy anyway? If nothing makes me happy, what’s the point? Weeks and months go past, and your life seems like an infinite loop of pain and sadness.

There is a small part of you that wants to make things right. But that part lives about few hours. You want to go out and make new friendships and relationships, and this „positive energy“ lasts very shortly until it completely runs out.

You start to struggle in everyday situations, like talking with your friends. You start to think: „Do I really need people around me?“ It seems like every interaction with other people ends up as a failure. You are already so ashamed of yourself that another failure is not an option, so you start to avoid any interaction. In the end, you choose to live within your „comfort zone“, where nobody asks (stupid) questions.

Eventually, you start pushing people away. You start breaking your relationships and friendships.  And considering that the people around you are the best way out, you find yourself in some sort of vicious circle – the more depressed you are, the more you push people away. In the end, you start ignoring your family and friends altogether.

Family and friends that are still here for you.

You realize you can’t live much longer this way. You basically have two options. The first option is trying to deal with it, which is probably impossible without seeking professional help. The second option is choosing the easy way out. Choosing to end it here and there.

Choosing to take your own life. (5)I might sound like a melodramatic emo teen, but this is the reality.  According to a Mayo Clinic study, about 65% of people diagnosed with depression have suicidal thoughts. Around 6% of them attempt suicide

As the more perceptive of you might have noticed, considering I am writing this, I haven’t yet committed suicide. After a lengthy and prolonged battle, I managed to gain some ground. The periods of depression still exist, but they are less frequent and less intensive than ever before.

How have I managed to get better? How have I dealt with all my issues? There are three major factors that contributed:

  • Antidepressants

Antidepressants were the key part in the early stage of my battle. The aim of antidepressants is to prevent depression from returning and to relieve its symptoms.

There is a lot of stigma revolving around people taking medications. Just think of it, if someone approached you and told you he just bought some Prozac, how would you react? You’d probably assume there is something wrong with him. You’d probably back off a bit. You’d probably think you are dealing with a madman.

This judgement is not only typical of the ‘outsiders’. Even people who experience depression often refuse to take their medication. They think acceptance of the medications means they have officially lost their mind. (6)You might remember Elliot Rodger from the previous article who went through something similar  – Vjekoslav Nemec. They doubt that antidepressants can actually help them.

Unfortunately, some of them are right. As with other medical treatments, this kind of medications may work for some people and have absolutely no effect on others. Moreover, some therapists are keen on prescribing them as a magic solution. What these ‘professional pill prescribers’ fail to recognize is that, in most cases, antidepressants are most effective only when combined with some sort of therapy. In his book Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, cognitive therapist David Burns writes:

 “Drugs are the most common treatment for depression in the United States, and there is a widespread belief, popularized by the media, that drugs are the most effective treatment. However, this opinion is not consistent with the result of many carefully conducted outcome studies during the past twenty years. These studies show that the newer forms of psychotherapy, especially cognitive therapy, can be at least as effective as drugs, and for many patients appear to be more effective.“

Moreover, it is well known that antidepressants can have some very negative side effects. When I started taking them, I became a victim as well – and it was very unpleasant. I suffered from severe headaches, dizziness and serious sleep deprivation.

However, most of the side effects appear in the first few weeks of treatment and later they disappear. Despite them, antidepressants helped me a lot. My “depression episodes” became shorter and less frequent. I feel like they were the key factor in my battle against symptoms of depression, such as feeling empty, exhausted and extremely sad.

It is important to discuss the advantages and disadvantages of antidepressants with your doctor. But in the end, it is up to you to decide.

The effect of the antidepressants on relapse prevention (Source: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0087089/)

  • Therapy

Arguably even more important factor in my battle were sessions with psychiatrists.

Understanding my feelings and raising my self-awareness was arguably the most important benefit of going to therapy. In conversations with my psychiatrist, we managed to find the mechanisms which can help manage my problems and feelings more successfully. He was able to see things from a different perspective and managed to put “that positive perspective” inside my head, as well.

It’s not all shiny of course. Throughout the therapy, you experience numerous difficulties. (7)One could even argue therapy is not efficient if it doesn’t ‘hurt’ The main obstacle to overcome is that there is a chance that your closest friends and family will not really ‘get the point’ or understand why you ‘have to go to the therapy’. Similarly like with antidepressives, going to therapy is shrouded with stigma and judging. People that go to the psychiatrist are often labelled insane.

Also, there will be times when even you won’t ‘get the point’. A major issue that often appears during the course of therapy is the feeling of being stuck. Of not making any progress. But in the end, after numerous sessions, I saw the light at the end of a very, very long and dark tunnel. It’s like I got a new chance in this world.

After losing many battles, I finally got the chance to win the war.

  • Other people

“One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood.” – Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Although the professional help was definitely helpful and required, in the end, the most important role was played by those closest to me. Family and close friends who were there when I needed them the most. In the last several years, I made a number of strong friendships that helped me overcome the depression and its episodes (8)If you guys are reading this, thank you once again, you are the best!

If you have depression, I wish that you will find the needed comfort in the fact that, no matter what you think, you are not alone. You are not the only one in the world with similar problems. There are people around you that care about you and love you the way you are. Even though you are often ashamed of what you are and therefore feel abandoned, trust me, you are never really alone.

When you are surrounded by friends and family who understand what is going on, who look you in the eye without judging you, depression episodes can be solved ever so easier. There were numerous instances when I had panic attacks, and people willing to talk with me until everything was resolved were simply there. Often, this conversations would last until the early morning hours (5-6 AM). These people often had obligations the very next day. These people often had something to worry about themselves. These people often had their own life to live.

But they were there.

And that’s what mattered the most. Being there. Because if you don’t suffer from depression, it’s pretty logical that you will not understand the pain that they are going through. Nobody expects that from you anyway. Just being there for that person is a perfect help!

Often, the depressed person doesn’t know what he/she needs, but they need someone in the same room who will not judge them and who will be there for them. They need someone who won’t mind if a person screams or cries, someone will help them to survive the tough times.

Because in the end, that is precisely what depression is all about.

Surviving.

Footnotes

Footnotes
1 Source: http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs369/en/
2 Source: https://www.healthyplace.com/depression/depression-information/depression-facts-depression-statistics/
3 According to this article: http://www.varazdinske-vijesti.hr/aktualno/uoci-svjetskog-dana-zdravlja-depresija-je-sve-ucestalija-i-treba-ju-destigmatizirati-15194/
4 Actually, one article blames smartphones as one of the main causes for the increasingly depressed number of teens. Check these two pscyhologytoday articles for more details: Why so many todays teens are depressed and Why so many people are stressed and depressed
5 I might sound like a melodramatic emo teen, but this is the reality.  According to a Mayo Clinic study, about 65% of people diagnosed with depression have suicidal thoughts. Around 6% of them attempt suicide
6 You might remember Elliot Rodger from the previous article who went through something similar  – Vjekoslav Nemec
7 One could even argue therapy is not efficient if it doesn’t ‘hurt’
8 If you guys are reading this, thank you once again, you are the best!

An Open Letter to Croatia

Dear Croatia,

In just a couple of years, you will be celebrating your 30th birthday. I often get struck by how fast time flies. It seems like just yesterday you were just a little girl playing with guns and tanks and look at you now. All grown up and fully independent.

Sort of.

Anyway, although you have been a woman of your own for quite some time now, I am worried. Worried because you haven’t become fully mature. Worried because you are constantly making some dubious decisions. Dubious decisions that might have dire consequences for your future.

This is the main reason I am writing you this letter. I know it might sound condescending. I know you might say it is none of my business. But, considering we have been living together for the last quarter of the century, it is. Don’t get me wrong, I would be the happiest man on Earth if this were a congratulatory letter. If I were able to take look at your life and say: “Well done! This girl is going places.”

But I am not. Because it is quite obvious you are, just like many millennials out there, experiencing a serious crisis. And I am not talking just about the demographic crisis and the projections according to which the population of the country might be halved up to 2050s. (1)Or the fact that 170 000 people left the country over the last couple of years Not even the economic crisis and the fact 200 000 people or 10% are unemployed.

No, I am talking about deeply rooted cultural and individual crisis.

Before describing what ‘cultural and individual crisis’ might mean, allow me to introduce you to Ruut Veenhoven. Veenhoven is a doctor of Social Sciences and professor at the University of Rotterdam. He is one of the pioneers and the world-leading authority on the scientific study of happiness. He runs and maintains the World Database of Happiness, in which he ranked 155 countries according to how happy their inhabitants were. According to his research, former socialist countries in Southern Europe, such as Montenegro, Albania or Moldova are the unhappiest places in the whole of Europe, averaging between 4.4 and 5.3 on a 1-10 happiness scale.

Naturally, it is hard to pinpoint one exact cause of such a state of affairs. Veenhoven’s research has demonstrated zillion factors contribute to the overall feeling of happiness, from the economic circumstances, overall health condition, life expectancy, etc. However, I would like to point one factor that is not immediately obvious. As Eric Barker explains in his book Barking Up The Wrong Tree on the concrete example of Moldova, one of the main reason for the lack of happiness in the country is- trust. (2)According to this survey, Moldova is the unhappiest country on Earth

Or more precise, lack of any.

Moldova is one of the most corrupt countries out there. It is one of those rare countries where former Prime Minister Vladimir Filat together with his sidekick banker Ilan Shor ended up in jail. But it is not only about the political elite. Corruption has become an integral part of everyday life. For instance, Moldovans refuse to visit the doctor if he is younger than 35 out of fear he purchased his medical school degree.

The corruption in Moldova didn’t just appear out of thin air. It’s not like Moldovan’s just woke up one day and decided, oh, fuck it, I am going to play against the rules today. Unlike the ancient egg/chicken debate, it is much more clear whether lack of trust or humans appeared first.

We did.

You see, most of us have heard the ancient mantra that Nice Guys always finish last. (3)Here I am talking about genuine Nice Guys, not the ‘Nice Guys’ stereotype described in a previous post That sometimes there is no other way but to avoid the rules. That sometimes, there is nothing wrong with screwing other people because that’s how business environment works.

And to an extent, this is quite understandable. We all know at least one asshole whose assertiveness and boldness kinda paid off. Whose attitude took him places. The sad truth is that going against the rules pays off in the short run.

But, what Moldovans failed to realize, what we all fail to realize, is that such a behaviour ultimately makes everyone worse in the long run. Once this pattern starts spreading, it propagates like a disease until it becomes a new norm. When people see someone succeeding despite being a complete prick, they will be very much inclined to try and do the same. Why, wouldn’t they? It obviously works and if they don’t try this path, someone else will. As an old adage goes, there are three categories of moral: good, bad and ‘everybody does it’.

The result is the culture full of distrust and negativity. Gradually, people stop trying and caring at all. The general state of mind of Moldovans can be described with three simple words: “Not my problem”. In the end, even though individuals seemingly go forwards, the whole society goes backwards. And being first in a shitty society is, well, worse than not being first in an awesome society. As Veenhoven himself put it:

” The quality of a society is more important than your place in that society”

Or, as the old politically incorrect joke states: Even if you win the Special Olympics, you are still retarded.

Think of it as of cheating on the test. Every class in the world has at least one smartass capable of outwitting the teacher and cheating without getting caught. Sooner or later, other students will begin to notice and feel foolish because they are, like, studying. Gradually, everyone in the class will start pursuing the easy way, especially if there aren’t any consequences. The result is a class full of cheaters where no one really benefits. Sure, you might get a good grade, but at the end of the day, you have learnt nothing.

Now, you might be wondering why am I mentioning all of this? Because, my dear Croatia, I think you are quite rapidly following the very same path. The resemblance between you and Moldova is striking. The same nurturing of the don’t-trust-anyone-and-let’s-screw-people culture is present inside your borders as well. Going against the rules has become so common, that people have simply given up on doing something against it. People have lost their faith.

People have lost their faith in the institutions. People have lost their faith in the bureaucracy. People have lost their faith in the system as a whole. But most tragically, people have lost faith in each other as well.

The company I am working for is a perfect example. It is divided into two divisions. Throughout the history, a combination of market conditions, unfavourable political circumstances and unethical management decisions has led to the gradual deterioration of the company well-being. And with it the very interpersonal relationships in the company. As a result, two divisions are constantly gossiping each other and shoving their noses into each other’s business. Lack of trust toward leadership and management turned into lack of trust toward the coworkers.

The saddest part is that my company is not the only one. You hear similar stories in other companies from very different branches. Doctors in hospitals, lawyers in the court, economists in banks, pharmacists in pharmacy stores all operate under very similar principles. There are exceptions that prove the rule, of course, but in general, the overall climate of suspiciousness and untrustworthiness prevails.

And at the end of the day, you ask yourself what is it all about? What is the point of everything? So that some douchebag at the top can earn more money than he can spend in his entire lifetime?

While we are at money, (4)I know, I know, what a transition. They don’t call me Mr. Smooth for anything I think that part of problem is that, in Croatia, we have started pursuing some sort of twisted American dream, where we use the holy trinity of metrics – money, sex and power – to measure our lives. We measure someone’s worth on the number of zeroes on his/her paycheck. We measure someone’s worth on the number of women he has slept with. (5)This is obviously primarily a male perspective, but both genders are guilty of this, sorry ladies We measure someone’s worth on the amount of power he holds.

The main problem of this ‘dick measuring contest’ is that by participating in it, we lose sight of things that somehow should matter. I think our complete system of values is way off the charts. Kindness, empathy and tolerance are being completely disregarded, unvalued and ignored. Helping other people has become a forgotten sport.

You might think this doesn’t apply to you, but when was the last time you admired someone purely because of his golden heart? When was the last time you read an inspiring story about someone really good in the newspaper and not forgotten it by the time you got to the sports results section? When was the last time you have said a simple and sincere: Well done mate, I am so proud of you? When was the last time you spent two hours volunteering and helping homeless people instead of grabbing a couple of beers at your local cafe bar with the guys and molesting the hot waitress just because she has big tits?

The meaning of life

I thought so.

People in high positions are a perfect illustration of everything that’s wrong in our culture. Within your borders, my dear Croatia, most people in power are the prototype of a narcissistic asshole. And it shouldn’t be that surprising, though. There has been scientific evidence that suggests there is a high correlation between rising to power and being a prick. In the afore-mentioned book, Barking Up The Wrong Tree, (6)If you haven’t figured it out already, yes, I am very very fond of it. It is one of the books that changed my life, after all Eric Barker has written the following on the correlation between power and kindness:

“The power that comes with confidence has another big negative that presents a roadblock on the highway to sucess: it can turn you into a jerk. Across a staggering number of studies, feelings of power have very negative effects on a person’s character. Power reduces empathy makes us hypocritical, and causes us to dehumanize others […] Studies show feelings of power cause us to be more selfish and more likely to commit infidelity. And we don’t just lie more; that powera also makes up BETTER liars […] Study aptly titled “Power, Competitiveness and Advice Taking: Why the Powerful Don’t Listen” showed that just making someone feel powerful was enough to make them ignore advice from not only novices but also experts in a field”

Yet, despite being subconsciously aware of all that, we pursue the very same goals the people in power did. Despite criticizing them on a regular basis, despite being outraged with their actions and with their path to the top, we consider them successful. We admire them. We want to be like them. Given the opportunity to do it against the rules most of us would do the same.

Another aspect of the problem arises when we don’t achieve the same. When we don’t become like them. When we don’t become successful. Instead of focusing on ourselves, instead of revising our goals, instead of recalibrating our measures of success, we once again focus on others. It all leads to the notoriously famous Croatian envy.

For example, very recently my friend and chess colleague Antonio Radić hit 100 000 subscribers on his youtube channel agadmator youtube. A local newspaper has written an article about his success and it spread all over the social media. The very tone of the article speaks for itself; it focused exclusively on the monetary side of the story, completely disregarding the promotion of chess, the opportunities Internet offers, the fact he managed to become independent by doing the thing he loves and other lessons one can draw from such an inspiring case.

But the comment section below those articles was even worse than the superficial journalists and their editors. I know that an average social media comment section is usually cancer, but Croatians manage to go to an extreme. Among other things, they suggested that ‘All Youtubers are idiots’, ‘Antonio is just a deadbeat doing nothing and wasting his days’, ‘I hope they tax him to death’, etc.

In any case, comments such as this are the main reason why I described the crisis as ‘cultural and individual’ earlier. My dear Croatia, there is no denying your culture is going through a serious crisis. But your culture is made out of individuals. Individuals who try to bring people like Antonio to their own level, instead of trying to raise themselves to HIS level. (7)As we have mentioned earlier, the level of society is more important than the level of an individual Individuals who say they don’t care whether they are doing better or worse as long as the opposing political option is not governing. Individuals who see two girls fighting to the death and take their mobile phones to film them instead of separating them because they fear to be different than the rest. (8)I know, I know, they are ‘only’ in high school. But that doesn’t make it less horrifying. What are the parents doing?

Therefore, my dear Croatia, I want to make a plea. A plea for the better tomorrow. There is no easy solution to this crisis. In order to resolve it, we need a revolution. But not the typical, violent revolution, involving guns and guillotine, especially dangerous for everyone named Louis. I am talking about much more difficult one. About a revolution happening in every single one of us. A revolution in the way we perceive the world and people around us. A revolution in our minds.

I firmly believe we must change the way we think. We must take a deep introspection and try to understand what really makes us happy. Are the external measures of success really worth it, or is there more to it? We must stop tolerating unethical behaviour just because, well, it happens. We must stop focusing on others in such a negative fashion. Stop constantly bringing them down only because that makes us feel better. We must start showing some appreciation, some good will. We must stop judging other people and try to help them instead. We really must stop living in accordance with the ‘There are two types of luck, my luck and misery of others’ principle.

We must not end up like Moldova.

With best regards

Your friend

Vjekoslav

P.S. I know your last relationship was very intense, but almost 23 years have passed since it ended. It is about time you stopped talking about it. Get the fuck over it.

Footnotes

Footnotes
1 Or the fact that 170 000 people left the country over the last couple of years
2 According to this survey, Moldova is the unhappiest country on Earth
3 Here I am talking about genuine Nice Guys, not the ‘Nice Guys’ stereotype described in a previous post
4 I know, I know, what a transition. They don’t call me Mr. Smooth for anything
5 This is obviously primarily a male perspective, but both genders are guilty of this, sorry ladies
6 If you haven’t figured it out already, yes, I am very very fond of it. It is one of the books that changed my life, after all
7 As we have mentioned earlier, the level of society is more important than the level of an individual
8 I know, I know, they are ‘only’ in high school. But that doesn’t make it less horrifying. What are the parents doing?

5 Books That Changed My Life

In the last year and a half, ever since getting my own Kindle Paperwhite, I have read more books than I can remember. Some of them were brilliant, some of them were utter crap, but all of them influenced my way of thinking in one way or another.

However, allow me to paraphrase George Orwell and his famous Animal Farm quote: All books are equal, but some books are more equal than the others. On this vast list, there were definitely books who influenced my way of thinking more than others. Who made an everlasting impression on me. Books I would recommend as a must read to my closest friends. Even my closest enemies. To everyone, basically.

So, without further ado, let’s take a look at the list of five books that changed my life a.k.a. opus of Mark Manson and the other three.

1.  MARK MANSON – MODELS: ATTRACT WOMEN THROUGH HONESTY

What is it about?

Before devoting himself to “giving life advice that does not suck” on markmanson.net, the famous blogger and published writer Mark Manson was an active member of the so-called pick-up artist (PUA) community. PUA community can be basically translated as “dating advice for men” industry. Mark spent a number of years working as a dating coach and later wrote a lot on the matter on his site postmasculine.com (1)Which doesn’t exist anymore as it became the part of the afore-mentioned markmanson.net blog.

Considering all of the above, it is not surprising Mark’s first book, Models: Attracting Women Through Honesty is a men’s dating advice book. However, this is not just another PUA book. Although he was a member of the community for quite a while, Mark has gradually broken away from its ideas and actually become one of its main critics.  (2)One of the main complaints regarding Models is that criticism of the PUA community is one of its hidden agendas. If you are interested in a brief version of Mark’s side of the story, I suggest you read his article My Life As A Pick-Up Artist, and decide for yourselves In contrast to the traditional PUA methods, Models advocates diametrically opposite approach and system of values. As the full title of the book suggests, the central concepts of the book are vulnerability and honesty.

Mark introduces the three H’s – three fundamentals of a successful love life. He defines honest living as removing the separation between the person you desire to be and person you actually are. He defines honest action as removing the separation between what one desires to do and what one actually does. And he defines honest communication as removing the separation between what one believes and feels and what one says. Or, more simply, honest living is the good old “be yourself”, honest action is the good old “fuck your anxiety” and honest communication is the good old “express your feelings” advice.

From the standpoint of these fundamentals, Mark covers a wide array of topics tightly connected to seduction, relationship, intimacy and attraction. Confidence, approaching, body language, looks, dating, humour, kissing, sex, etc., are all there. With the help of the three H’s, the book offers a fresh and unique perspective on almost every aspect of attraction and dating. For instance, some of the ideas outlined in the book are:

  • Rejection is not a bad thing; don’t fear it
  • Express who you are. Be open about it and proud of it
  • Talking about your emotions and imperfections is hot and sexy, not shameful and lame
  • Widely accepted metrics of success with women are crappy (quantity instead of quality, never being rejected, dating a better-looking woman than your friends, etc.)

In their essence, the concepts presented in this book are by no means revolutionary. Most of them are pretty instinctive and natural. One could argue that almost everyone is familiar with them to a certain extent. Be yourself? Seriously? Do I really need a book and a guru to tell me such a cliche answer? Boy, Vjeko, considering the things you are reading, you have even more problems than I thought.

Well, I think one of Mark’s greatest abilities as a writer is stating the obvious in a very simple and very elegant way. A way that makes you go: Oh, it makes a lot of sense! while you are well aware you would never be able to explain the very same concept in a similar manner. (3)In the words of an anonymous Amazon reviewer: I read it and honestly felt stupid for not realizing whats in this book,  it’s so obvious yet you have to read the book to really get it. Hard to explain, just read it. Moreover, although all these ideas don’t seem extraordinary, the truth is most of us aren’t aware of them.

They become obvious only after someone Mark takes his hand and points them out to us.

How it changed my life?

I have first gotten into contact with the PUA literature when I was in high school. Between hours spent playing DOTA and hanging out on Windows Live Messenger, I stumbled on the celebrated book The Game by Neil Strauss. (4)For the sake of the article, let’s assume you indeed DO randomly stumble on such a literature At a time, this book seemed like a holy grail. Wow, there are guys who are able to sleep with any women they want? Where do I sign?

Over the next couple of years, I read more PUA books than I am willing to admit. Tao of the Badass, The Mystery’s Method, even Lovesystems’ Routine Manual, to mention a few. I devoured other material, watched videos, followed websites and forums and accumulated a lot of “knowledge” about the whole process of seduction and attraction.

However, it goes without saying that when I tried applying that knowledge in real life, it didn’t have much effect. All the theories about approaching, openers, transition, escalation and whatnot would collapse like a house of cards once I engaged in a conversation with an actual human being.  The best I could do was to get the chance to walk away with some dignity. More often than not the result was just an astonished, what-the-fuck-are-you-talking-about look on the girls face.

Naturally, it had a disappointing and discouraging effect on me. After all, these things are supposed to work, no? Pick up lines and methods are obviously not the problem. You are Vjeko. Moreover, the books didn’t have anything to say about failure. Failure was not an option, really. What the fuck are you crying about, you wuss? Don’t have the results? Go practice more! Go approach more!

In such a state of mind (which, mind you, lasted a couple of years), Models was just the right book I needed.  It helped me understand my own behaviour and its consequences. It helped me break away from my juvenile and immature views on love life and relationships. Not just male-female relationships, but all sorts of relationships. I firmly believe it has helped me come one step closer  to that word defining adulthood we all fear so much (5)Hint: It starts with M and ends with aturity

It made me realize most of the PUA advice I read is bullshit. The whole premise of having a certain set of tactics that ultimately works is pretty derogative for the opposite sex.  It assumes women have to fall for us if only we execute correctly. Nowhere have I read about them saying no. About different types of women. About their different preferences. About their thoughts, rights and opinions. About their boundaries. No, the whole interaction turns into a roleplaying game, with us being the main actors and them mere spectators.

Moreover, when everything is scripted people think more about the way they are interacting instead of, you know, interacting. Thinking there is some magical formula for success shifts the focus of our actions from the person we are talking to the goal we have in mind. It is a pretty shitty way of treating anyone.  And it completely removes the authenticity and honesty of the conversation. (6)Also, when we have a hidden agenda, we often try to achieve it by any means necessary. Search the dictionary for the definition of the words manipulation and lying for more details

I think the lack of authenticity is precisely the reason why these pick-up lines worked so poorly for me. I didn’t enjoy a single moment of it. I hated it. I hated the clubs and the pressure of having to approach and the well-established definition that the night is not a success if you haven’t “scored”.

As Mark explains, your intentions in interactions are what matters. And my intentions were clearly way off. I didn’t engage in a conversation because I liked conversing. Or because I loved meeting new people. I did it with the ultimate idea of getting into someone’s pants. While trying to hide my insecurities and the real me all along. Which was impossible. No matter what I did or said, this insecurity, this lack of comfort, this lack of self-esteem would always come out on top. And detected by ever-intuitive women.

This violation of the “honest living” principle wasn’t visible only in nightclubs. It occurred regularly in everyday life. For instance, for a long time, I had trouble telling people I love chess. I feared they would mock it, I feared they would think of it as a nerdy activity and I feared girls would find it unattractive. I remember how astonished I was when a fellow chessplayer told me: “The first thing  I tell people is I play chess”. To my mind it was terrifying – what will they tell?

 Only after reading Models and growing up a bit did I change my attitude. I mean, chess is an integral part of my life. Why on Earth would I want to hide it?

That is not to say I suddenly have illusions about chess being the most interesting thing in the world. Hell, just very recently, I met two girls and one guy at a birthday party. When another friend asked me something about chess I started passionately answering the question. Later, I got the comment that a conversation wasn’t particularly enticing and that I the afore-mentioned trio was quite bored.

Earlier, I would have been quite struck with such a comment. Earlier, I would have wanted them desperately to change their opinion. Earlier, I would have hesitated to answer the question in the first place. But today, I am aware chess is not a particularly exciting topic for most of the people. Today, I realize them reacting this way tells a lot more about them than about me. (7)Especially since I tried to be considerate and not to talk about the 5 greatest players in the chess history in great detail. You can read about it here, while we are at it. Shameless self-promotion, you are doing it right Today, I realize if they didn’t like me for who I am, someone else will and there is no point in trying to convince them to change their mind.

It has to be said that “for who I am” in the previous sentence actually means “for who I am at the given moment in time”. Throughout the book, Mark suggests multiple advice to improve your looks, communication skills, humour and other essential components of not only sexual interactions but social interactions in general. And that is the aspect of the book  I like the most. Because although PUA resources occasionally suggest working on yourself, (8)As, for instance, this article on the website girlchase it is never truly in focus. Mark is the first to come up with an overall self-improvement theory as the best approach to improving your love life. As he put it in another blog article:

„The best dating advice is self-improvement“ (9)Before you jump to proclaim my love for Mark, I would like to point out that he is definitely not the only one with a similar mindset. There are multiple writers on Quora whose set of values pretty much aligns with everything written in the Models. The most prominent is certainly, Franklin Veaux. I have learnt so much from his answers and I can’t recommend going through them highly enough. It’s eye-opening

2.  DALE CARNEGIE – HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE

What is it about?

Written way back in 1936, Dale Carnegie’s book How To Win Friends and Influence People can be safely regarded as one of the first self-help books. The book that practically started the whole industry. Since its first edition, it has been sold in more than 30 million copies worldwide. It has been endorsed by people like Warren Buffet and Johnny Cash and can be rightfully be regarded as a true bestseller.

As the title suggests, the focus of the book is the development of one’s social skills. Throughout the series of stories and real-life examples, Dale Carnegie gives a ton of advice on the matter of dealing with other people. Yet, despite its cheesy title, the book is not dedicated to lonely losers who spend their days in their room crying in solitude because they are unable to have a proper conversation with another human being, let alone making friends. It gives numerous examples from business, stories from successful managers and salesman, and focuses at least as much on professional relationships as on private ones.

The book is divided in three parts and it teaches us:

  • Six ways to make people like us
  • Twelve ways to win people to our way of thinking
  • Nine ways to change people without arousing resentment

Although the book is bit outdated (it is more than 80 years old), I still believe you can gain a lot from reading it. It offers a lot of useful tips that should help you navigate your conversations, your business inquiries and, in case you are selling something, your salesman techniques. Similarly like Models, it does give you a certain „No shit, Captain Obvious“ feeling. Most of the tips are kinda obvious and should be common knowledge, yet I still feel most of us often neglect them in our everyday life. For instance, let’s look at six ways to make people like us:

  • Become genuinely interested in other people
  • Smile
  • Remember that a person’s name is, to that person, the sweetest and most important sound in any language
  • Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
  • Talk in terms of the other person’s interest.
  • Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.

Now, although everyone might agree these points are a matter of basic human decency, there are certain caveats. Book’s critics rightfully point out it is too simplistic. While all these advice, in general, have a lot of sense, I think they shouldn’t be followed blindly. Most of the suggestions lack sophistication. For instance, consider this passage on the theme of smiling:

„You don’t feel like smiling? Then what? Two things. First, force yourself to smile.  If you are alone, force yourself to whistle or hum a tune or sing. Act as if you were already happy,  and that will tend to make you happy.“

Although this is the basis of a great number of modern self-help books, I have never liked this “positive psychology” approach. In the context of smiling, there are even studies that indicate that “fake it until you make it” actually has a negative effect on your mood. I think that we should be aware Dale overgeneralizes when he makes his suggestions.

Listening to others and encouraging them to talk about themselves is another point that should be taken with a grain of salt. While it is indubitably useful to employ it in your own life, I think it shouldn’t be done unconditionally. We all know that active listening can be very demanding. I personally know a couple of great listeners who have told me that people start expecting them to listen always and it can be incredibly draining and exhausting. There are days when you are simply not up to it. When you have the right to say no.

Therefore, I think that saying: “In general, you should listen to other people and encourage them to talk about themselves, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t expect them to sometimes to the same” would be much more pragmatic and accurate than the way Dale has phrased it. (10)And much less sexy if you intend to sell the book, of course

Also, at first sight, it might appear the book is suggesting us to be manipulative and exploitive when dealing with other people. That all these suggestions are merely means to achieving our ends. That influencing people means mind tricking people into liking you.

In my opinion, the book suggests nothing of a sort. Just like in Models, the key concepts are honesty and sincerity. For instance, he doesn’t suggest asking other people about themselves for the sake of asking, he suggests doing so with genuine interest. Similarly, every other advice comes with the flavour of honesty. The book provides you with much more than a couple of tricks for dealing with people. Firstly and foremostly, it suggests maintaining an open mind and improving yourself. Dale suggests cultivating a mindset that will truly raise your interest in other people.

Still, if you are not a careful reader, you can extract wrong conclusions quite easily. The review of the book on Lifehacker has put it quite nicely:

„While people like Buffett praise it for its management techniques, it’s also easy to see how one could use those same techniques for evil. Which is to say, depending on who you are, you can read Carnegie’s book in  two distinct ways: to win friends or to influence people.  Which route you take can change how you feel about the book, yourself, and your relationships[…] How you incorporate Carnegie’s lessons into your life is totally up you.

How it changed my life?

All the criticism aside, this book has had a major influence on my life. It was the very first self-help book I have ever read. At a time, I had a big aversion toward the whole self-help industry. I felt kinda pathetic when I took the book with such a title. Still, I wasn’t quite content with the way I was dealing with people and I thought, fuck it, there is nothing to lose.

So, how have I benefited from reading it? Well, first of all, the book changed my attitude about social interactions. Earlier, I have considered dealing with people something very challenging and difficult. The cornerstone idea of focusing on the other person made me realize it is actually something very simple and intuitive. I have realized everyone in the world has a favourite topic to talk about – themselves. And that it is incredibly easy to make them start talking about it.

Secondly, the book has made me appreciate other people’s hobbies and interests much more. You see, during my college educations, I have met many brilliant programmers who were very passionate about their craft. They often talked about their latest achievements in great detail. I was always quite bored with those conversations. Like, wtf loser, who wants to listen about those nerd topics. (11)When you think of it, I was merely projecting my own, chess-related insecurities. Ever since I have, fortunately, managed to change my approach. Today, I am guided by the It is your job to find the best in people, not theirs to show it principle.

Finally, the book has made me realize that there is something in these self-help books. That, as long as one is reading them selectively and with a critical mind, one can learn a lot from them. Ever since I have been very much into similar literature. Had I not downloaded Dale’s book from the Internet that day (12)Sue me!, this blog would have never seen the light of the day. (13)Yes, humanity, you owe Dale big time.

3.  MARK MANSON, SUBTLE ART OF NOT GIVING A FUCK

What is it about?

Now, now, I know what the most of you are thinking. Common, Vjeko, ANOTHER Mark Manson book? Do you read anything else these days? How much does he pay you to advertise him?

Well, since he doesn’t accept affiliates since, like, 2015, unfortunately – none.  I have decided to include Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck because I think it is a fantastic book. And if someone thinks the list could have been more diverse, guess what? I don’t give a fuck.

Uhm, anyway, after writing Models, Mark has decided to broaden the array of topics he is writing about. The focus in the subsequent blog post was less on the relationships, and more on the “life advice that does not suck”. Mark started presenting his overall life philosophy through articles about motivation, society, happiness, life choices, etc. His writing has been unequivocally called more mature, retaining the combination of blunt honesty and light-hearted humour all along.

Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck is the result of the five year’s work in this direction. The book is sort of extended synthesis of Mark’s best blog posts in that period. Multiple stories, personal experiences and anecdotes are blended with key ideas presented earlier. This extra touch makes Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck extremely enjoyable, easy and instructive read.

Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck is a self-help book. However, it is not a self-help book in the traditional sense of that world – quite the opposite. Just as Models go against everything dating industry advocates, Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck contradicts conventional self-help wisdom has to offer (in a much less vindictive or personal manner, as well). In contrast to the standard positive psychology approach, Mark is of the opinion that self-improvement is a painful process and by no means easy or… pleasant. (14)The summary of Mark’s thoughts on the infamous Law of Attraction can be read in his article reviewing the book The Secret with the modest title: The Staggering Bullshit of the Secret

There is a reason why the subtitle of the book is a Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life.  Mark’s life advice is counterintuitive and unpleasant to hear at first. However, once it is processed, it starts making a lot of sense. Just as in Models, Mark tackles complicated ideas and elaborates them in a very comprehensive and simple manner. Among other things, the book teaches us that:

  • Happiness is not an absence of problems. Happiness is solving problems.
  • If everyone was exceptional, no one would be exceptional.
  • We choose which metrics we want to use to measure success in our life.
  • Even though something is not our fault, we are still responsible how we respond to it.

Despite its title, the book doesn’t suggest total apathy as a solution. It doesn’t say we shouldn’t give a fuck at all. On the contrary, it tells us our fucks are too precious to be given so easily. That we get to decide what is important to us and what is not. That we get to choose what we want to give a fuck about, and what not. That learning to give a fuck about things that matter is a first step towards living a good life.

How it changed my life?

When I was young I used to give too many fucks about too many things. I used to give a fuck about whether I got A+ or A- on the test.  I used to give a fuck whether that cute girl I will not even talk within a couple of years actually looked in my direction. And that’s pretty normal. As kids, we don’t really know where to put our fucks.

As years went by, however, I didn’t make much progress. I still gave a fuck what people thought about me. I gave way too many fucks about people who were completely unimportant and who treated me like shit. I gave way too many fucks about how successful I am. Partly because, from my earliest days, I never stopped to think what success actually is.

Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck was a game changer in that regard. Or more precisely, one huge hit in the head with the self-awareness sign. Reading it made me reflect on my past. It made me reevaluate my goals and plans for the present. Which yardsticks when I am measuring my own life. It made me question everything I thought I knew about life. It made me realize I can use my fucks much more wisely and explained in detail how to do it. In the end, it has influenced and formulated my life philosophy.

And with it, most probably my future as well.

4.  ERIC BARKER, BARKING UP THE WRONG TREE

What is it about?

The full title of Eric Barker’s book, Barking Up The Wrong Tree: The Surprising Science Behind Why Everything You Know About Success Is (Mostly) Wrong suggests it is a book about success. However, as the title also points out, it is not just another generic book about success. That offers „advice“ you can read on the Instagram of the trendy influencer. How you should follow your dreams. How you should never give up. How you should go against the odds, believe in yourself, create your own luck, because you are like, amazing and unstoppable and indestructible.

You know, all that bullshit.

Barking Up the Wrong Tree tries to tackle the conventional definition of success from a different angle. First of all, it offers a different perspective on what success actually is. Similarly as Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, Barking Up the Wrong Tree reminds us defining our own success is entirely up to us. It is that much-needed reality check some of us need when we forget what is really important in life. It teaches us that conventional success most often comes with a price.

Take for instance Albert Einstein as an example. Everybody knows of his contributions to the field of physics. What everyone is not aware of is the fact his first wife had to sign a contract in which his family duties were strictly defined. (15)And you thought Sheldon’s character was too exaggerated A contract according to which his wife was prohibited to disturb him whenever he is working.  A contract which stated Einstein should not be obligated to attend any family gatherings.

Lucky bastard!

Secondly, the book does offer a perspective on the conventional definition of success and means to achieving it. However, that perspective is quite unconventional and refreshing. The main theme dominating the book is The Golden Mean. Throughout the book, with the help of numerous examples, stories and scientific studies, Eric Barker keeps assuring us that moderation is the key. That the truth is always somewhere in the middle. That common advice about success is too general and in most cases – simply wrong.

Over the course of six chapters, Barkers sheds a new light on the questions such as:

  • Do Nice Guys really finish last and is it worth going against the rules?
  • Should you stick to your dreams no matter what, or should you know when to quit?
  • Is who you know more important than what you know? Do extroverts really do better than introverts?
  • Where is the thin line between confidence and overconfidence?
  • Is working like there’s no matter a guarantee of success? Is there something to be said about work-life balance?

Apart from being written very fluently and with a great dose of humour, the book doesn’t try to give any definite answers. Barker doesn’t pretend he has got it all figured out and doesn’t tell you how to live your life. He simply states there is a number of approaches that might or might not have worked for different people. It is up to you to figure out what works best for you, I can perhaps only offer some tips that might help you in the process.

The process of discovering you are most likely already successful. You just haven’t realized it yet.

How it changed my life?

I have to tell you, out of all the books on this list, Barking Up the Wrong Tree is arguably my most favourite one. It can be partly explained by the fact I stumbled upon it at the height of my quarter-life crisis. As explained previously in the blog, I was full of questions and answers were nowhere to be found. I value this book because Barker answered those very questions for me. When I was reading it, there were moments where I had the feeling like I personally gave him a list of my concerns and that he wrote the book on the basis of these concerns.

For instance, once I opened my chess blog, I started working like a maniac on it. There was so much to learn. So much to do. My god, I need to do this post today. Now. Fuck, I should have done it yesterday. I am already late. I would go to sleep around midnight and wake up at 6 and go to the table tennis practice in the meantime. There was a period where I completely disregarded my social life, my friends and broader social circle, even my family. Only after reading Barker’s book did I realize it might have gone too far.

In the chapter dedicated to work-life balance, Barker talks about the life of Ted Williams, a baseball superstar from the middle of the century. He describes Williams’ work ethic, perfectionism, dedication and perseverance. He also describes how, when his daughter asked him something about himself, he told her to „read his biography.“ In the very same chapter Barker talks about regrets people had on their deathbeds resonated with me. Among the top five regrets, „I wish I hadn’t worked so hard“ and „I wish I spent more time with my family and my friends“. Reading this made me realize chess blog will not run away, while relationships and friendships might.

The chapter on work-life balance is only one example. I have extracted similar lessons from almost every other chapter of the book as well. For instance, the story about Walter Green is also quite instructive and inspiring. In his retirement, Walter Green decided to make a list of people who have had a major influence in his life. After assembling more than 40 names, he decided to pay each and every single one of them a gratitude visit – a personal visit during which Green would sit down with a person and tell him exactly how big of a difference that person made in his life. Some of the visits included flying to other continents. But in the end, he carried all of them out. The effect of the visits was so powerful that they regularly ended up in tears. Not only that, he inspired a number of people to assemble their own gratitude lists.

The story made me realize how we are too focused on big things to appreciate small things. Like a smile from a friend. Like sharing a beer and a good laugh with someone we care about. Like writing a couple of sentences and then publishing them online, even though most people will laugh at them. It reminded me of the importance of gratitude. About the importance of showing people around you what they mean to you. Because, you know, they won’t be here until the end of time.

I could probably go on and on about this book for quite some time. But since this post is getting way longer than I initially envisioned, perhaps I should stop wasting your time and start talking about book number five.

Because Nice Guys don’t waste other people’s time.

5.  ROBERT GLOVER, NO MORE MR. NICE GUY

WHAT IS IT ABOUT?

We have all heard about the term Nice Guys. This term usually has a very positive connotation. When we think of a nice guy, we think of someone who is extremely polite, easy going, calm and not very aggressive. Someone who is possibly slightly shy and introverted. Someone who never gets into conflicts, who is always in control of his behaviour, who doesn’t get irritated or angry so easily, who is very likeable as a person.

In his book No More Mr. Nice Guy, Robert Glover, an American therapist and marriage counsellor, challenges this well-established opinion. According to dr. Glover, Nice Guys are anything but Nice. Some of the actual traits characterizing Nice Guys are:

  • Nice Guys are fundamentally dishonest
  • Nice Guys hide their true intentions
  • Nice Guys have trouble asking for what they want, so they resort to lying, manipulation and emotional blackmail
  • Nice Guys are dependant on external approval and validation of others

Nice Guys operate under what dr. Glover calls covert contracts. Covert contracts are silent contracts Nice Guys make with the person they are interacting with. According to them, that person has certain obligations toward Nice Guys. If a person refuses to adhere to their side of the bargain, Nice Guys get upset, angry and passive-aggressive.

Some examples of covert contracts are:

  • Doing people favours and expecting them to return them
  • Telling I love you and following it up with Do you love me
  • Complimenting a woman because you think compliments will make her like you

Everything Nice Guys’ do is almost always based on expectations. On hidden agendas. Although they outwardly seem pleasant and nice, their actions never come without any strings attached. They might seem like people pleasers, but their only intention is to ultimately please themselves. It is not about the actions; their intentions are what makes the whole difference in the world.

Franklin Veaux, a famous Quoran already mentioned above, gave a very accurate and concise definition of a Nice Guy:

 „The stereotypical Nice Guy is anything but kind and compassionate. The stereotypical Nice Guy is a guy who thinks that if he does emotional labor for a woman—that is, if he listens to her, does things for her, spends time with her, and supports her—he is entitled to get sex in return, and if she doesn’t give him sex, she’s doing something wrong.

That kind of Nice Guy is not well-regarded by most people. He doesn’t directly ask for what he wants; he feels entitled to get what he wants as compensation for his time and attention“

HOW IT CHANGED MY LIFE?

Going through this book was arguably one of the most painful things I have done in my entire life. Whenever I opened it and started reading the sentences, I felt as if someone just threw me in a ring with angry Mike Tyson in the prime of his career. Hell, I had the feeling that even if he suddenly took a bit of my ear, it would still hurt less than Mr. Glover’s words.

The book was incredibly relatable. I had the feeling like the author has been following me from the beginning I was born, writing episodes from my life down in his notebook and publishing them in a book. More than once I stopped reading to remember a certain episode from my own life and to reevaluate it with the help of the content I have just assimilated. I have realized there were numerous moments where I have operated under covert contracts. Where I have hidden my true intentions under the guise of being approachable and ready to help. Where I have behaved as a Nice Guy.

For instance, you might remember how I fell for my friend and how she rejected me. After the first rejection though, we continued to be friends. The problem was that from that moment onward, I wasn’t a friend just for the sake of friendship. Everything I said, thought and done was a calculated act of some sort. I thought me behaving nicely, avoiding conflicts, validating her opinions, withholding my emotions and being considerate would ultimately change her mind. “Convince” her I am the right for her. Naturally, when that didn’t happen, I was full of anger and resentment and in the end behaved like a typical Nice Guy, exploding in rage and destroying the whole relationship.

Of course, the syndrome most obviously manifested itself in the context of my sex life. However, the book made me realize the sex life is not the only area of my life that might use some serious work. For instance, some of the quotes that really rocked me like a hurricane were:

  • It is fear that prevents a Nice Guy from quitting a job he despises. It is fear that gets in the way of a Nice Guy starting the business of his dreams. It is fear that prevents a Nice Guy from living where he really wants to live and doing what he really wants to do.
  • Nice Guys are terrible receivers. They are terrified of asking for help. They are completely miserable when others try to give to them. A major reason Nice Guys frequently fail to live up to their potential is they believe they have to do everything themselves.
  • They might be jack of all trades, but they are typically masters of none
  • The more dependent a man is on external approval, the deeper he is going to have to hide his sexual behaviour.
  • All Nice Guys have shame and fear about being sexual and about being sexual beings.
  • Women consistently tell me that even though they may be initially drawn to a Nice Guy’s pleasing demeanour, over time they find it difficult to get excited about having sex with him. Often the partner feels defective, but it is really not her fault. There is just very little about Nice Guy Persona to flip a switch or arouse a prospective partner.

To be completely honest, I am not the only one who is guilty as charged. I have noticed some characteristics of Nice Guys in stories and actions of my friends, my acquaintance, my colleagues, even my father. Many men around me occasionally operate under covert contracts without them even being aware of it. Not only that, when I try hinting their intentions might not be fundamentally genuine, I am usually met with a combination of defensiveness, denial and good old ad hominem aggression.

I know a man whose wife is completely unhappy with her job. While she does nothing to change her situation, he actively searches for jobs and he writes application letters for her, even though she never asked him. He just assumes he has to take responsibility for her well-being.

I know a man who never tells the boss he is overwhelmed and overextended, yet he often complains about it when the boss is not around. He is outwardly nice and willing to do everything, but in reality, he is just unable to maintain his boundaries and say no in a healthy way. While he tries to do it in a passive-aggressive manner, he is full of resentment and anger.

I know a man who is outwardly calm and content. He is proud that he is not confrontational. When things don’t go his way, when the perfection in his world is shaken, he is unable to express himself, tell what’s bothering him or tell what he really wants. He indulges in self-loathing and explodes in rage instead.

Honestly, certain traces of a Nice Guy are (or were) present in almost every men I know. I think everyone can benefit from reading this book at least once. Naturally, that is not to say I agree with every single statement in it. I think it is important to bear in mind everything dr. Glover writes comes with the assumption that Nice Guys’ intentions are fundamentally dishonest. And once again, it is worth repeating that intentions are what ultimately determine whether an action was honest or not.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have to seek approval by sharing this article on social media.

Further reading

1) Very honest and detailed review of the How to Win Friends and Influence People

2) Eric Barker’s official blog

3) Dr. Glover’s official website

4) A nice summary of the No More Mr. Nice Guy 

5) Another very precise review of the No More Mr. Nice Guy 

Footnotes

Footnotes
1 Which doesn’t exist anymore as it became the part of the afore-mentioned markmanson.net blog
2 One of the main complaints regarding Models is that criticism of the PUA community is one of its hidden agendas. If you are interested in a brief version of Mark’s side of the story, I suggest you read his article My Life As A Pick-Up Artist, and decide for yourselves
3 In the words of an anonymous Amazon reviewer: I read it and honestly felt stupid for not realizing whats in this book,  it’s so obvious yet you have to read the book to really get it. Hard to explain, just read it.
4 For the sake of the article, let’s assume you indeed DO randomly stumble on such a literature
5 Hint: It starts with M and ends with aturity
6 Also, when we have a hidden agenda, we often try to achieve it by any means necessary. Search the dictionary for the definition of the words manipulation and lying for more details
7 Especially since I tried to be considerate and not to talk about the 5 greatest players in the chess history in great detail. You can read about it here, while we are at it. Shameless self-promotion, you are doing it right
8 As, for instance, this article on the website girlchase
9 Before you jump to proclaim my love for Mark, I would like to point out that he is definitely not the only one with a similar mindset. There are multiple writers on Quora whose set of values pretty much aligns with everything written in the Models. The most prominent is certainly, Franklin Veaux. I have learnt so much from his answers and I can’t recommend going through them highly enough. It’s eye-opening
10 And much less sexy if you intend to sell the book, of course
11 When you think of it, I was merely projecting my own, chess-related insecurities.
12 Sue me!
13 Yes, humanity, you owe Dale big time.
14 The summary of Mark’s thoughts on the infamous Law of Attraction can be read in his article reviewing the book The Secret with the modest title: The Staggering Bullshit of the Secret
15 And you thought Sheldon’s character was too exaggerated

Quarter-Life Crisis Or Why I Cried On My Graduation Day

Finally, it was over.

After a very turbulent year at the university, during which I mostly felt like crap due to the fact that the girl I liked started dating a mutual friend, on 14th July 2016, I managed to defend my  Master thesis and to get my Msc. in electrical engineering (1)Oh yes, and in informatical technology, as well. You’ve got to admire the versatility modern college provides you with.

This was the moment I have been striving for ever since I was seven. This was the moment where I finally accomplished this major goal. This was the moment when I am finally going to make everyone close to me really proud. After all, the sole purpose of preceding 18 years of education was to have a degree in my hand and to become a „man of my own“.

I woke up the following morning feeling relieved, joyful and hungover (2)Fuck you, we celebrated after all. The main reason for my optimism was the fact that I had a job awaiting me just around the corner. You see, during my final bachelor year, I had signed a stipend contract with a private electrical engineering company, according to which I was supposed to start working there once I graduate (3)Which had everything to do with my qualifications and my expertise and nothing with the fact my father worked in the same company.

Roughly month and a half later, on 1st September 2016, I entered my office for the very first time. As I was approaching the grey business complex built in the typical socialistic-Yugoslavia style, I felt both excited and nervous. „This is it“, I thought. „This is the moment when my journey in the adult world begins. From this moment onwards I am my own man, with my own salary and my own life. From this moment onwards life will be as easy and smooth as baby’s bottom.“ (4)Not that I know how smooth baby’s bottoms are. You perv!.

Alas, as it usually happens, things started unfolding in a very different way than I imagined. There were many questions left unanswered. Do I want to do this job for the next 40 years? When will I travel the world?When will I change the world? Dear me, I am still single, when on Earth will I get married? When will I get my own place? With what money will I get my own place? Should I get a car? Are my hobbies worth the time?  While we are at it, where is all the time going? How am I supposed to like, accomplish all I want and still manage to hang out with my friends? Actually, what DO I want? God, can’t we just all go back and play Pro Evolution Soccer the whole day like we used to do during our teens? (5)Sorry, FIFA fanboys, PES is for real men

Very soon, the excitement and curiosity and feeling of novelty were gone. Very soon, repetitiveness and boredom of everyday routine started to kick in instead. Very soon, I started feeling completely overwhelmed and lost.

These feelings completely escalated on my graduation day. In Croatia, the graduation can be safely regarded as one of the most important and memorable days of your life. (6)Comparable perhaps only to your wedding day. Or the day your first child is born. Or the day when Goran Ivanisevic won his first and only Wimbledon title. It was held in the grand Lisinski concert building, in the monumental main hall which can accommodate up to 3000 people.

It was one of those occasions where everybody dresses up to the best of their ability. Where men suit up and think they look like the newest James Bond actor whereas, in reality, they look like they are ready to do your tax report. Where girls spent abnormal amounts of time and money doing their hair and matching the colour of their dress with the colour of their shoes so they can look absolutely incredible when they are posing for the new profile Facebook photo with their family where they show the world how extremely happy and proud they are and overexaggerate the importance of their own accomplishments as if they have just discovered the 10th planet or something and not spent the last year writing their master thesis between drunken nights at a local disco club and romantic vacations with Juan all around Spain.

A photo such as this one.

Oh look at him how happy he is

For the overwhelmed and lost Vjeko the whole event was quite a drag. I have never been a huge fan of similar ceremonies. The traditional “your future is bright” and “you are the chosen ones” speech by the dean merely intensified the feeling of confusion. Also, due to my lack of interest in the electrical engineering during my final year (already!), the Latin words cum laude weren’t added next to my Msc. title. For someone as nerdy as me, who used to do quite well in the academic environment, this was quite a blow. I couldn’t admit to myself I didn’t put enough effort and that my results sucked as a consequence.

Still, I looked forward to seeing all the members of my generation at the same place. Both close friends and broader social circle were present there. I looked forward to reconnecting with everybody, even if it would last only for a couple of hours. Perhaps I am not the only one with similar problems and doubts, I thought. Perhaps talking and sharing ideas and perspectives is precisely what I need. Perhaps I am finally going to feel better.

Boy, was I wrong!

Everybody seemed like they have everything figured out. Everybody was so optimistic. So positive. So confident. So…happy. As I sat down before the start of the ceremony, I felt like I don’t belong there. Completely abandoned. Completely alone.  The interaction with my peers aggravated my state of mind even further. I felt so detached from the reality. As I sat there, waiting for the ceremony to start, I couldn’t overhear people around me talking about their plans, about their futures, about their goals:

“Oh, yes, I just got my dream job at Microsoft!”

“Oh, yes, I am moving to my new flat together with my fiance within a month!”

“Oh, yes, I have more than enough time for my friends, I have found the perfect work-life balance. I am travelling to Afrika next summer to treat the children with my newly invented medical device which is going to save millions of lives and change the world forever!”

FUUUUUUCK! YOUUUUUUU!

When the graduation ended, I returned home. The guests were to arrive at any moment. The table was done. The lunch was prepared. Everything was ready for the celebration to begin.

Except for me.

As we were driving back, I got into an argument with my parents. Being unable to take responsibility for my emotions and my choices, I started blaming them for everything in my life. Basically, acting like a complete prick. The argument got heated, voices were raised and everything resulted in me slamming the door of my room and throwing myself desperately on my bed. I was trembling with my whole body. I was unable to control myself.

And just like that, tears started rolling down my face.

THE QUARTER-LIFE CRISIS?

First of all, what is a life crisis? According to dr. Oliver Robinson from the University of Greenwich:

A crisis episode is a period in adult life that is noticeably more difficult, stressful and unstable than normal, during which you sometimes struggle to cope. A crisis is also an important turning point in your life due to challenging changes that occur during it. Crisis episodes typically last for a year or two but may be shorter or longer.

The quarter-life crisis is the first major crisis that usually occurs when people reach their mid-twenties or early thirties. It is characterized by doubt, insecurity, disappointment, loneliness, and in extreme cases, depression. Adults experiencing one often feel uncertain about what the future brings. They feel lost and confused. They feel they are never successful enough. Never rich enough. Never proactive enough.

Never good enough.

The quarter-life crisis most often happens when people enter adulthood and start dealing with the “real world”. It is very hard to pinpoint the exact moment it starts and its exact causes. Different triggers have been quoted by people experiencing it. For instance, in a study published on LinkedIn, finding a job one is passionate about was the top concern. Other complaints included not earning enough, being unable to buy a property, failing to achieve personal goals, being pressured to marry and have a baby, etc.

The results of this study are echoed in other publications dedicated to the quarter-life crisis. In his book Get It Together: A Guide to Surviving Your Quarterlife Crisis, Damian Barr interviewed a huge number of people who have gone through the damn thing.  „Not doing what I love“, „Bad relationship“, „Stuck in a job without perspective“ were most often quoted as reasons for the quarter-life crisis.

I personally think quarter life crisis has a lot to do with the end of your formal education. During our school days, we are a part of the system. There is a clear goal ahead of us and our every single action is supposed to bring us closer to it. There is not much uncertainty about the near future. Hell, most of us even rarely ever think about what will happen the next day,  let alone in a couple of years. (7)Or else we would never have “just one more drink” on Saturday evening and suffer from a headache during the entire Sunday

After graduation, things abruptly change. Suddenly, you are responsible for your own life, for your own problems, for your own decisions. It seems like our every single choice comes with huge consequences – imagine if it is the wrong one. Every failure seems like the end of the world. It is one thing to ask for your parents support when you lose a year at the university and quite other to do so when you should be employed, married, independent and like, fulfilled.

There is another aspect of the quarter-life crisis I haven’t covered so far. In the LinkedIn study mentioned above, 75% percent of 25-33 years old said they experienced something similar. Why are these number higher today than ever before? It is not hard to imagine someone older reading this article and merely shrugging his shoulders, attributing the quarter-life crisis to the entitlement of the younger generations. Did our parents really know what they wanted in life so much better? Is the quarter-life crisis really something typical for us, spoilt and whiny millennials?

Well, I think these extremely high percentages have a lot to do with the dramatic changes world had undergone toward the end of the 20th century. I have a theory that three major factors have influenced the way we perceive and value our own lives:

  • The world spins faster than ever before

Let’s be frank. Today, the pace of life is faster than ever before. The advances in technological development have exerted major influence here. Cell phones allow people to call us whenever wherever. If someone delivers a seen at our Facebook message or doesn’t reply in the next 10 minutes, we are immediately pissed. Hell, according to one study, it takes us a full second LESS to walk for 60 foot than it took us some 10 years ago.

This sense of urgency is apparent when we are considering our future as well. There is a lot of social pressure on those who aren’t succeeding fast enough. Members of the older generation who have kinda forgotten how it is to be 25 are especially keen on asking the unpleasant questions. If I had a penny every time a family member or an older colleague asked me when am I getting married and what am I waiting for I would have had… quite a lot of pennies.

The pressure is especially apparent when we compare ourselves to our peers. Which brings me to the following point.

  • The internet and the social media

Let’s not kid ourselves – we all compare ourselves with people around us that to a certain extent. We all make occasional reality checks to see how we are doing in life in comparison to our social circle. As they say, nobody wants to be the dumbest kid in the classroom.

One of the consequences of the appearance of the Internet and social media is that today, the classroom is bigger than ever before. Many years ago, our social circle was much smaller. More importantly, we were less aware of what everyone was doing at any given moment. The internet and the social media have allowed us to compare ourselves more thoroughly with a greater number of people than ever before.

The problem is that while we make these comparisons, we fail to consider that social media present us with a distorted picture. That we are looking at someone’s highlight reel. That most of the people are simply deliberately posting the best of the best. That most of the people are bluffing. (8)For instance, I am certain we all know at least one annoying couple that floods our Facebook feed with numerable photos in which they declare their everlasting love, whereas, in reality, their relationship is toxic and highly dysfunctional This state of affairs merely distorts our perception of reality. It is very easy to lose perspective and imagine everyone else is having the time of their life. That we somehow, somewhere made the wrong choice.

  • The freedom of choice

In a study carried out by D.A.Redelmeier and E.Shafir (9)Redelmeier D. A., Shafir E., Medical Decision Making In Situation That Offer Multiple Alternatives, physicians read about Medication X and were then asked whether they would prescribe the medication for a patient with osteoarthritis. The physicians clearly considered the medication worthwhile, because only 28 percent of them chose not to prescribe it. When another group of physicians was asked whether they would prescribe medication X or an equally effective Medication Y, 48 percent chose to prescribe nothing. Apparently, adding another equally effective medication to the list of possibilities made it difficult for the physicians to decide between the two medications.

Dan Gilbert, the author of the book Stumbling Onto Happiness, explains their behaviour as follows:

If you’ve ever caught yourself saying, „I’m having such a hard time deciding between these two movies that I think I’l just stay home and watch reruns instead,“ then you know why physicians made the mistake they did.

Everyone behaves as the physicians from this study to a certain extent. We like to have choices and number of options available. But, if we have to choose between a greater number of possibilities, we often have trouble deciding to choose between them. We fear we might have the wrong choice and that the other choices might be better. (10)In the 21st century, two separate terms were coined describing this phenomenon: FOMO, or, Fear Of Missing Out and FOBO, or,  Fear of a Better Option The main reason this phenomenon is nowadays pronounced more than ever before is the number of choices available to us. Compared to, some 50 years ago, we are able to choose between multiple options in almost every single area of life.

Let’s consider something as mundane as watching the TV. In the past, it was a miracle if a household had a TV set, let alone multiple channels. Nowadays everything is different. Don’t know what to watch on the TV? Just grab a remote and switch between 100 channels available. Or open your Netflix and choose a documentary or TV Show of your own choice. Or open youtube and search for a random movie you’d like to watch.  (11)Or download the movie/TV Show via piratebay. You haven’t heard it from me

Your career is arguably an even better example. It is no wonder so many people struggle to find their dream job – there are simply too many options. Some 50 years ago, there was no internet, the borders weren’t as open and travelling was much slower. It was more common to remain in the same workplace for the entire life. An average farmer in Texas was probably bound to remain a farmer for the rest of his life. Nowadays, on the other hand, you can freelance, you can become an entrepreneur/self-employed more easily, you can move to another country if you are not satisfied, etc. Once again the choice is abundant and this abundance is slowly killing our generation.

FIGHTING THE QUARTER-LIFE CRISIS

Now, this is the part of the article where I am going to disappoint you (12)And pretend I haven’t done so already. Because so far I have once again detected the problem, but haven’t  offered a hint of a solution. The quarter-life crisis has been getting more and more recognition during the last couple of years. (13)Remember dr. Oliver Robinson, mentioned earlier? He has devoted a greater part of his career – ten years, researching the matter Numerous publications and books have been written that tackle this problem and offer a handful of useful guidelines and pieces of advice. I have decided to combine the most common ones with my experience and present them in a form of yet another bulleted list.

Because who doesn’t like fucking bullet lists?

  • You are not alone

In the months following my graduation, a great number of my close friends finished college as well and got their first job. Some of them were already in long-term relationships, some of them had their own place to live, some of them exclaimed they got the exact job they wanted. However, none of them said they got it all. Through conversations, I have discovered that most of them have their own doubts. Their own uncertainties. Their own questions. Very few of twentysomething I know claim they’ve got it all figured out.

I have written previously on this blog how our problems are rarely our own. This doesn’t mean they are not real. Nor does this cognition solve them. But the thought we have someone who is in the similar position with us, who can listen and understand us, who we can rely on, is very comforting. Talking to your peers, nurturing your relationships, hanging out with people and sharing experiences is often recommended as an efficient way of dealing with your quarter-life crisis.

All of it means we are not being irrational or unreasonable. It means things happening to us are perfectly normal.

Scary. And confusing.

But normal.

  • Having problems is not a problem

In his book Subtle Art Of Not Giving a Fuck, Mark Manson wrote happiness equals solving problems. (14)Readers might be familiar with it from the You Suck article, but since I think its importance can’t be overemphasized, I have decided to mention it here once again And not just any problems. Difficult, high-quality problems. Oh my god, I just want to go to sleep and wait for this day to finish sort of problems.

Manson was echoed by one of the most notable and influential psychologists of the 20th century, Erik Erikson. Erikson, who spent his lifetime studying identity, wrote the following in his book Identity: Youth and Crisis:

“Crisis […] is not an impending catastrophe, but rather a necessary turning point, a crucial moment, when development must move one way or another, marshalling resources of growth, recover, and further differentiation.”

When you think of it, it makes a lot of sense. Running a marathon makes us happy. Finishing college makes us proud. Raising a child makes us fulfilled (15)At least that’s what my parents keep telling me None of this things are pleasant, or, god forbid, easy. Every single one of them includes solving a multitude of difficult problems. Every single one of them is often unpleasant and seemingly impossible. But they are totally worth the effort in the long run.

I think the quarter-life crisis is partially caused by the perspective we have in regard to our problems. We like to think problems are superfluous. That they merely ruin the perfection of our mid-twenties. But ironically, mid-twenties are full of difficult problems. I firmly believe we benefit from accepting them as a part of life. This small shift of perspective is the first step toward actually dealing with them.

  • Avoiding the problems does not solve them

Now, the easiest way of dealing with your problems is to avoid them altogether. We humans really excel in this approach. Not only do we refuse to take responsibility for our problems, but we are champions of making excuses about why we fail to do so. The issue is that, no matter how much we try to avoid the problem, it is bound to return and haunt us again.

My sex life (or, lack of any, to be more precise) is a good example. It has been my soft spot for quite some time now. Over the years, I managed to convince myself that it is not actually such a huge problem. I altered my excuses but I really believed I shouldn’t be doing anything about it.  And whenever the problem threatened to surface, I diminished its significance with the help of some good old rationalization. I distracted myself with my hobbies. I spent time with my friends and thought not being alone is equal to not being lonely. I convinced myself the whole aspect of dating is not that important to me. However, under the surface, I was basically the same insecure teenager I was in high school. I have just learned to hide it very well. (16)Or probably not so well – you can’t hide that from people around you, but I reckon most of them were considerate enough not to rub it in my face. Most. Of. Them!

This state of affairs lasted for quite some time. A couple of years really. Until yet another failed coffee triggered a chain reaction. Which hit me at the age of 24. And when I say hit me, I mean ran-me-over-like-a-bulldozer-and-jumped-on-my-lifeless-body. The sudden realization that the problem is still there hurt as fuck. It made me realize I am unable to deal with it on my own. It forced me to take responsibility. It resulted in me going to therapy and trying to solve this difficult problem.

Ultimately, it led to something good. Because, sooner or later, you have to, you know, do something.

  • Res, non verba

Although my graduation has resulted in me hitting a new personal low, it had one major positive consequence. It acted as a wake-up call. I realized I can’t take this to continue any longer. I realized something needs to change. I realized I need to act. The question was only in which direction.

Roughly one month afterwards, I opened my chess blog. It was not immediately successful. But I was doing something. I was devoting myself to something I love. I was expressing myself and creating something that will last. Although I dreamt about earning some money out of it, it was never my primary motivation.

And somehow, little by little, it led to something. It is still not successful. I still haven’t managed to cover my initial expenses (17)Which probably had something to do with the fact I managed to crash the entire thing a couple of times. But just recently, I got a message from a chess player who told me my writing has inspired him to start playing chess more actively. That comment solely is more fulfilling than anything I have ever experienced in the corporate world. Taking the action has definitely resulted in a big smile on my face.

And it seems I am not the only one with a similar experience. For instance, in his TedTalk – Refusing To Settle: The Quarter-Life Crisis Adam „Smiley“ Poswolsky, the author of the book The Quarter Life Break-Through, recommended acting as one of the pillars of resolving the quarter-life crisis. He called it making the ask:

„Take a risk, sign up for the class, volunteer, go abroad, work abroad, launch the crowd-funding campaign, start the blog, build that website… MAKE. THE. ASK.“

 

I think people too often wait for a magical solution to their problems. They complain about them, they ponder about them, they have wonderful ideas for resolving them. But they never do so. They remain passive and they never undertake any action. They never make the ask. Because making the ask is not easy. Making the ask is quite difficult because it is terrifying.

When I was opening my first blog, I didn’t know what I was doing at all. I made an awful lot of mistakes. Learning about WordPress, HTML, and CSS or figuring out how to display a chessboard scared the shit out of me.

But people forget bravery is not the absence of fear.

Bravery is choosing to act despite our fears.

  • Think with your own head

In his book Barking Up the Wrong Tree, Eric Barker writes about regrets persons and had on their deathbeds. „I wish I didn’t work so hard“, or „I wish I spent more time with family and friends, were among top five regrets. But do you know which was the number one?

„ I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.“

I honestly think this statement contains the core of the quarter-life crisis. I think that every trigger of the crisis mentioned earlier is connected to this sentence on some level. I think one of the main reasons people are unhappy today is because they concern themselves with the lives and opinions of other people.

We want to start a new sport, but friends tell us we will suck at it? Yeah, let’s sit at home and binge watch the new season of Narcos instead.

We are considering a change in career, but we are afraid what our parents will tell? Oh fuck it, we will remain miserable for the next 40 years instead.

We are unhappy in a relationship, but we are afraid what the society will think if we are still single? Oh fuck it, let’s enter a shitty marriage and hope everything will somehow work out in the end.

I think we often do things not because we want to do them, but because we are trying to please others.  I think it is really shitty to bring major life decisions on the basis of what someone thinks. I honestly believe the key to resolving the quarter-life crisis is to stop trying to please other people. And to start pleasing yourself instead. (18)That is not to say that you need to become an egotistical prick who ignores the needs of other people. The way I view it, as long as pleasing yourself doesn’t violate other people’s rights, doesn’t violate their boundaries and doesn’t do them any harm, there is no reason not to go for it Almost every article, book or video discussing the quarter-life crisis I have read or watched gives this advice in one form or another. For instance, in the afore-mentioned Ted Talk, Adam Poswolsky tells us to:

„Stop comparing yourself to others. Start doing what’s meaningful to you.“

Another quote from the book Get It Together: A Guide to Surviving Your Quarterlife Crisis, goes as follows:

„It’s feeling good about yourself whatever you’re earning, wherever you live, whoever and whatever you’re doing. […] The decisions we make don’t need to be popular – they just need to be right. For us. That’s not to say we should be contrary or go out of our way to harm or offend other people.“

In the end, it’s not those around you that are most important to you.  It’s not your coworkers, not your boss, not your friends, not even your spouse, parents or children.

In the end, it’s you.

REFERENCES AND FURTHER READING

Vice: The Vice Guide To Getting Through a Mid Twenties Crisis

Lifehacker: How To Overcome Your Quarter-Life Crisis

Forbes: Millennials – This is What Your Quarter-Life Crisis is Telling you

The Guardian: Quarter-Life Crisis – Young, Insecure, Depressed

CNBC: 4 Steps To Break Out Of Your Quarter-Life Crisis

Oliver Robinson: Quarter-Life Crisis – An Overview Of Theory And Research

Oliver Robinson: Emerging adulthood, early adulthood and quarter-life crisis: Updating Erikson for the 21st Century

Mark Manson: FOMO Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Instagram

Footnotes

Footnotes
1 Oh yes, and in informatical technology, as well. You’ve got to admire the versatility modern college provides you with.
2 Fuck you, we celebrated after all
3 Which had everything to do with my qualifications and my expertise and nothing with the fact my father worked in the same company
4 Not that I know how smooth baby’s bottoms are. You perv!
5 Sorry, FIFA fanboys, PES is for real men
6 Comparable perhaps only to your wedding day. Or the day your first child is born. Or the day when Goran Ivanisevic won his first and only Wimbledon title.
7 Or else we would never have “just one more drink” on Saturday evening and suffer from a headache during the entire Sunday
8 For instance, I am certain we all know at least one annoying couple that floods our Facebook feed with numerable photos in which they declare their everlasting love, whereas, in reality, their relationship is toxic and highly dysfunctional
9 Redelmeier D. A., Shafir E., Medical Decision Making In Situation That Offer Multiple Alternatives
10 In the 21st century, two separate terms were coined describing this phenomenon: FOMO, or, Fear Of Missing Out and FOBO, or,  Fear of a Better Option
11 Or download the movie/TV Show via piratebay. You haven’t heard it from me
12 And pretend I haven’t done so already
13 Remember dr. Oliver Robinson, mentioned earlier? He has devoted a greater part of his career – ten years, researching the matter
14 Readers might be familiar with it from the You Suck article, but since I think its importance can’t be overemphasized, I have decided to mention it here once again
15 At least that’s what my parents keep telling me
16 Or probably not so well – you can’t hide that from people around you, but I reckon most of them were considerate enough not to rub it in my face. Most. Of. Them!
17 Which probably had something to do with the fact I managed to crash the entire thing a couple of times
18 That is not to say that you need to become an egotistical prick who ignores the needs of other people. The way I view it, as long as pleasing yourself doesn’t violate other people’s rights, doesn’t violate their boundaries and doesn’t do them any harm, there is no reason not to go for it